From March 12, 2007....

Well, no heartbeat today.

:(

I'm definitely bummed. I was SO looking forward to telling the rest of my friends, blogland, and my students. In fact, I was quite excited to tell my students as I could use it for leverage. I.e. "PLEASE sit down and be quiet NOW or the PUDGY PREGNANT TEACHER will HURL on you!"

Alas...I must keep things quiet for 3 more weeks. Hopefully then the little Z will be big enough to register a heartbeat. And, I'll be out of the woods for any bad stuff, which will really be a load off. It's quite exhausting, this first trimester thing. You're so afraid to do certain things, for fear of screwing up your kid that you can't even really tell exists...the only reason you know it does is because you have a perpetual, Miami University Natty Light Style hangover 24/7, and you look like you can't lay off the brownies.

Seriously. I had to rubber band the button on my jeans. Arg! I don't look pregnant yet. I just look FAT. And not with a PH, either. F.A.T. pudgy pudgy beer gut fat. Oh well...I suppose this ain't NUTHIN' compared with what's coming my way later.

The only other thing that happened today at the Doctor's office was they had to do standard prenatal blood work, which I was NOT crazy about. I mean, I fainted in my 12th grade government class when some nurse came in to TALK about giving blood. You say needles, I say "THUNK." As in "THUNK-my-passed-out-head-just-hit-the-floor." Why? I don't know. It makes no sense. It doesn't hurt. I think it's just the thought of my blood and stuff leaking out of me freaks me out.

(Boy, I'd better get over that by October)

Anyway, so I had to get blood work and apparantly prenatal blood work involves ELEVEN VIALS OF BLOOD.

ELEVEN!

Dear LORDY what on earth can you possibly need with ELEVEN FREAKIN' VIALS OF MY BLOOD? Are we going to be performing some kind of sick ritual in the LAB TONIGHT YOU SICK BLOOD SUCKING FREAKS? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

So, yeah. Good times. I closed my eyes, thought happy thoughts, and looked away and tried to breathe. You know what's funny? The happy thoughts that came to my head were my recent Hawaii trip (well, that's obvious) and crossing the finish line at Ironman Wisconsin (not as obvious, but it worked, big time). Over and over again, running towards the chute. I really, truly thought of that as the bloodletting ritual ensued. I think I was trying to convince myself that I was tougher than I felt, you know?

Anyway, this is hard. Because I don't know what to say. And I love to write on this blog, but I can't say anything about this yet, and it's sort of all I can think about. So I think I may have to take a month off here, which I'm sure will make some people wonder what's up. I don't know what else to do...

The doctor said I really shouldn't be doing the half marathon. I guess that makes sense, since I have barely been able to run more than 10 miles/week here in this first trimester, but I'm sad. I really wanted to at least run-walk it, but she said that "moderation is key" and "half marathons are not really moderation." In my head, I was thinking, "But that IS moderation, Doc! Come on! It's only 13.1 miles!"

Sigh. Moderation for an endurance athlete doesn't really translate well to the rest of the world I guess.

But you know what? I'm still gonna go. It's going to be fun--I'm going to stay with Luscious and Jacks is meeting us there, too. Runner Susan will be there, so COME ON! How cool is that? So I can't break 1:50. So I can't break...um...anything. I will walk a little and be a good fat pudgy pregnant cheerleader and it will still be fun.

So, I shall remain quiet. Those who know me will definitely know something's going on, but it's all I can really do right now. The next three weeks will be a little nerve wracking, so I'm just going to have to remember that I'm wired for this. As long as I do what I'm supposed to, if it's meant to be then everything will work out fine. All I can be is me, and all I can do is what's healthy.

And so it goes...

Baby's First 5K

I signed up for the Race to Remember, mostly because it was for Alzheimer's Research and that's a cause that's very personal to my Mom and I. Little did I know that Jenn's Grandpa was also suffering from this disease, and she was excited to race it, too. The weather report looked OUTSTANDING (and at this point, outstanding is really just anything that doesn't involve a freak blizzard) and the post-race spread was catered, so I perked up for that. :)

DaisyDuc and a few other of my friends from Second Sole were doing the 10K--most of them as a training run and an alternative to doing their normal 6 mile recovery Sunday Run. Not Daisy--I'm pretty sure the words "recovery" and/or "training run" are not in her vocabulary. She came to kick butt and take names.

We got there about 45 minutes early so Jenn could register. It was strange for me to be at a race and not really care about what time I get there, what I eat beforehand, how long my warmup should be, blah, blah, blah. I was just hoping to actually run the whole thing and not walk!

(Special Thanks to TriSaraDad for being the race photographer) :)
Before the race I chatted with some friends.

Chris, Canada Jenn, Me, and TriSaraMom posing before the start.

Second Sole friends! Chris, Me, Canada Jenn, Platinum Jen, Tracy, and Courtney

I lined up for the start and thought how strange this was...it was really the first 5K, since my very FIRST 5K, where I didn't have ANY inkling of what my time would be or what pace I could hold. My normal 5K pace is around 7:40ish. I know that it's been a struggle to hold 11 minute miles...(agh!) so I thought if I could run comfortably and come in under 11 minute miles, I'd be stoked. Funny how your sense of accomplishment changes here, huh? I also thought it would be nice to NOT be in last place. See, Competitive Sara still rears her ugly head from time to time, even 4 months preggers. :)

CanadaJenn was a SAINT and said she'd run with me. I tried to tell her she didn't have to but she'd have NONE of that--this from a girl that could easily go sub-23 if she wanted to. This girl rocks the house so much. I am really going to miss her when she moves to Peoria, IL in July. We started running together when she moved to Cleveland in 2002 and I really can't remember what it's like to run without her. Together we trained for and completed the Flying Pig Marathon--for me, a HUGE PR race, and for her, her first marathon. Peoria doesn't know how lucky it is.

The gun went off and we ran...slowly! It was such a nice day that I didn't even really notice it. We went over a few bridges in the industrial section of downtown and then before I knew it, it was time to turn around. We got to the 2 mile marker and the guy yelled, "22:20." I started laughing and said, "Hey, we're at Mile 2 when we're usually about ready to finish!" CJ laughed, too. It was OK for today!

The course was pretty easy--there was one gradual hill before the turnaround and I thought, "wow, this would be a great course to negative split!" Little did I know that most of the speedsters got caught by a BRIDGE going UP for a BIG BOAT and had to come to a DEAD STOP for over 6 minutes! And the poor RD had even called ahead of time to stop the boats! I bet the poor guy's getting flooded with emails. Let me tell you how mad I woulda been if I was on track to PR, then had to come to a dead stop. My buddy from work Eric said that some people JUMPED TO THE OTHER SIDE WHILE THE BRIDGE WAS MOVING! Okay, there's where I draw the line. No race is worth an accidental dip in the Cuyahoga River. It's cleaned up its act quite a bit since it caught FIRE (?!) in 1969, but STILL...

We came near the end and I almost tripped on a broken bottle of Hennessey...which was a little bit funny, but would have been NOT FUNNY AT ALL had I really fallen! I think they could have done a little bit to sweep the street...Jenn and I were laughing at the Colt 45 bottles we saw lying around. Nothing but the best in the Flats... :)

Finally, we jogged to the finish very easily! My chip time was 33:33, which is my slowest 5K on record, but we had FUN. I found out later I achieved my 2 goals: I ran a 10:49/mile pace (not 11! yahoooooo!) very comfortably, and I came in 19th /29 in the age group--not last! Yippee! The times were all skewed because of the bridge debauchle, so my time didn't even look TOO bad! ha ha

They even had finisher's medals, like it was a marathon or something! I wore it. :) And, it was baby's first 5K, so they even let me take a medal for the baby at Jenn's suggestion. It's totally going in the nursery.

(That's one for me, and one for my HOMEY.)

Afterwards, we ate and relaxed and waited for awards. They had to shorten the 10K to about 5.2 miles because of the bridge and boat situation. I thought that was good that they were even to change the race course on the fly like that! So the "10Kers" really were only a few seconds behind us! DaisyDuc was 3rd overall female and grabbed the 1st place in AG!

We waited to hear awards and TriSaraMom won a great door prize! She was pumped. But she was even MORE pumped about her FIRST EVER AGE GROUP AWARD!

TriSaraMom was 3rd and was only 8 seconds away from 2nd place! And all this after having the stomach flu earlier this week! She rocks.

It was such a great day! Seeing my friends got my mind off some things, and watching my Mom accept her award made me so proud. It was better than any age group awards I've won!

So I suppose that was the first of many race reports where Baby Z will make an appearance. It was nice to take him (?) or her along for the ride, and it was nice to feel like TriSaraTops again. Albeit, a much slower verson....but for the first time, I think I ran an EVEN PACED 5K!!!!!

Yippeeeeeeeee!

Over soon...

Tomorrow's Friday, and I can't say enough how much I am ready for this week to be over.

Things won't really be over until next weekend--they want to wait so Danny's buddies from college can come home. But this weekend, I have lots to look forward to.

Dinner with friends tomorrow night.

Yoga with ESpeed Saturday morning.

Brunch with ESpeed and DaisyDuc after that.

A wedding shower for a friend in the afternoon.

Sunday morning, the Race To Remember 5K...which will, undoubtedly, be the slowest 5K of my life and I'm determined to have fun doing it. It's raising money for a good cause, Alzheimer's research, and that disease took my Great Grandpa, so it means even more to do this race with my mom. Jenn's Grandpa is currently battling, so she'll be there. Marie and some of my Soler friends like Tracy and Courtney will be there, too. And the buffet breakfast afterwords sounds damn tasty to this pregnant chick. :)

Then, a baby shower with some more friends and family.

See? Lots of things to celebrate.

(I'm trying to talk myself into this.)

The sun's been out and it's even going to hit close to 70 degrees. I'll try to overlook the Indians implosion to the dreaded Yankees today...other than that, and other than the other awful stuff that happened this week....things could be worse, you know?

And you know what? There's a baby goin' on up in here. Little miracles everywhere.

TGIF, friends.

And just like that, the world stops for a minute

I sit here in my classroom like I do every morning, and check my email.

And I get the message.

We lost a student. Graduate of 2005. Killed in the line of duty in Iraq.

I don't even think he was 20 years old.

I knew him, and my heart aches.

From March 10, 2007...

I haven't felt like myself lately.

I sort of feel like my body's been hijacked by a sick and perpetual hangover feeling. This too shall pass, I know. But it really has been pretty rotten, and the worst part about it is that I don't feel like ME. Because I'm not able to eat the things I normally do, and I'm not able to run.

It's been kind of rough.

I come home from work, after the kids in the last few classes ask, "Are you OK, Mrs. Z?" "What's wrong?" "You look green." I know, I know, I answer. It's OK. I know what it is. Just let me sit down....

They have got to know something's up. I NEVER sit down when I teach.

So anyway, last night I was so frustrated that I was so sick I couldn't even make it to my tri club meeting. I mean, the very thought of driving 40 minutes to the meeting and then having to keep a smile on for everyone and NOT want to hurl made me want to hurl. So I passed.

I never miss triathlon meetings. I love hanging out with my tri friends.

This morning was the St. Malachi 5 mile race. It's a rite of spring here...a tradition downtown that I've done for the past 5 years. I love it--it kicks off my season and is always so fun, and a chance to test my winter base work.

Not this year.

I looked out the window this morning in bed, and saw the sun shining, and thought what a great day it would be to run. But I missed my race, and I felt sad.

So I decided, that no matter WHAT--no matter how bad it was--I was going to run today.

I put on my shorts--shorts! yay!--and a long-sleeve Second Sole Running Club technical tee on. And my Ironman finisher's hat. Because it always makes me feel better.

And I ran. For 29 glorious minutes. I ran slowly and surely and felt the sun on my face, and tried not to think about the nausea and it sort of disappeared.

It was amazing.

For 29 minutes, I felt like myself again. I remembered the runner girl--she's still in me, but she's on the sidelines this year. She's a little sad right now, but I'm sure she'll figure out that it will all be worth it in the end. Right now she wonders why she missed her race this morning, and why she can't hit the track for some hard 800s.

I know she'll get it eventually.

But she's in there--she's a part of me, and she's not going anywhere. And neither is the road.

Or the races.

So I need to remember that. Plenty of time, plenty of time.

So today, it was all about my 29 minute run at a snail's pace. I felt so good...I felt like me.

And it feels good to be reminded.

From March 5,2007...

You know what's really weird?

Maybe it's my body or mind's way of trying to prepare me for what's to come. A total, complete overhaul of my life, my priorities, and my concept of "free time." Maybe it's a healthy dose of reality--that, as stated before, I don't "half-ass" anything, and maybe trying to complete another Ironman next year would force me to half-ass SOMETHING...at best, the race...at worse, more important priorities.

But I've been having these thoughts and even dreams lately. About going fast again.

See, I haven't really gotten to go fast for a while. The past two years were very LSD oriented as I prepared to go long. For me, right now at this stage in the game, I cannot go fast and long. Kudos to those who do and can. Perhaps someday I will be there.

Right now, I seem to have to choose one or the other, and I'm OK with that.

So, even the sprints/olys I've done in the past two years haven't been very fast for me. I've had to use them as practice, as a gauge to test nutrition, hydration, leg power, etc. And all this summer I did say how I missed hammering, didn't I? I know that I did. I remember telling Wil I couldn't wait to go fast again next year--we even planned on doing the Chicago Triathlon before she got the whole RaceAthlete deal, and I, uh, got knocked up. :)

Maybe what I need next year is a nice, healthy dose of fast.

I mean, it could be just what I need to feel fresh again. I was very tired at the end of this season. Hungry for more, but tired nonetheless. It had essentially been a two-year journey to the Capitol in Madison on September 10, 2006. A slow, steady, and deliberate two year journey.

With a newborn (wow, I can't believe I even really just typed that), time will be at a premium. I still think I am capable of marathon training. I know it sounds bizarre, but to me after IM training, marathon training just doesn't seem to take up the same amount of time that it used to in my head. But maybe I will focus on racing short-courses for a while--the local sprints, olys, and even the 5Ks again. To mix it up. Keep it new. Test out my new wheels and push my speed on the bike. Perhaps training for those would fit better into my lifestyle, as I can easily get up early to hit the track for 800 repeats, do some Open Water swims in the evening or push my pace with the Masters, and try some lactate work on the bike. Efficient. No "junk miles." Every workout with a purpose, and speed and hills being an efficient way to do this.

This way, I could race often. I could race every weekend, theoretically, if I wanted to--whether it's a local 5K, the Towpath Marathon, or an NCN triathlon. There's so many great races around here. I haven't gotten to do this in what seems like forever.

Looking at my previous Oly times, I factored in my "PRs" for each distance: the swim, the bike, the run, and the transitions. Now, granted, each course is very different, the weather, hills, humidity, etc. blah blah blah I know outside factors play a large role. But, when I put together my "perfect" race based on my Oly PR times, I get a 2:43. So, in my head, I think I should be able to do that. And I'm a little excited to try.

Cause it's FUN to hammer sometimes, you know?

So maybe I should follow the excitement. Maybe what I thought I wanted I really don't. Maybe I'll have this little one and decide I still want to go long and slow again. Maybe I can't possibly sit here and predict any of this, but for some reason, it just feels right to lean towards the direction of faster.

I think my body's talking me into it. This little fetus is smarter than I give it credit for, huh?

Okay, I don't usually do these but...

Rae and Lana had it on their blogs and I couldn't resist. Plus, I'm really bored at home on Spring Break and Matt's working and at school all day and evening. So, here it is: I'm the ring finger.

The only bad thing is it says to stay away from Lana, an INDEX! Agh!

But the description kinda fits! Bizarre....

You Are a Ring Finger

You are romantic, expressive, and hopeful. You see the best in everything. You are very artistic, and you see the world as your canvas. You are also drawn to the written word. Inventive and unique, you are often away in your own inner world. You get along well with: The Pinky Stay away from: The Index Finger

What Finger Are You?

From February 28, 2007....

But first, a prologue from today. :)

Yet another episode of my body laughing at me is up for your reading pleasure. And thanks for the advice, too--I am (now, on April 12) continuing to "run" (that's in quotation marks for a reason...it's really just glorified walking), swim, ride on my trainer, and do yoga almost every day. I hope to continue to do these things as far as I can into this whole deal.

One of the best books I have is "Runners World Guide to Running and Pregnancy." It speaketh to ME. I heart it.

My doc is on board, but we both came to the conclusion that with my rotten energy-deprived 1st trimester and lack of running more than 3-4 miles MAYBE 2 times/week, trying to run the Indy Mini, even slow, was not a good idea. I'm still GOING (hear that, Runner Susan? I'd love to meet ya!), but I'll be the pudgy obnoxious cheerleader for Jacks and Lush. It's the least I can do to repay them for 15 hours in the pouring cold rain in Madison, Wisconsin last September. I am, however, probably going to sign up for the 1st Annual "Run To Remember" 5K next weekend with my Mom downtown. It benefits Alzheimers Research, which took my Great Grandpa's life when I was 15. It will be my slowest 5K on record, and I'm totally ordering a size Large shirt, and I'm OK with that. :)

I'm also happy to see I haven't lost the guy readers out there! Thanks for all your advice...many of you have partners that have gone through this and it's so nice to hear your side, too. I'm so lucky I have quite possibly the most patient and understanding husband ever to help me out. I promise to try not to get to "girly" on you here. Who am I kiddin'...I really never was very girly to begin with. And, guys who are single and triathletes...remember, athletes often gravitate towards other athletes, and you JUST might have to deal with this someday. I'm happy to offer a preview, albeit slightly irrational. :)

By the way, just called and checked on this...Ironman Florida is November 1, 2008. I'm just sayin'. ...

And now, back to February 28th's scheduled programming....
_______________________________

I'm speechless.

I don't even know what to say.

When I said before that I wasn't this tired during Ironman training, that was dead on. I think I figured out the last time I felt this tired.

When I had mono freshman year of college. I think that's just about close. When I was so tired that taking a SHOWER required an hour nap.

I can BARELY get through a day of school...and, of course, have to totally fake that I'm normal, upbeat, slightly sarcastic and always "on" Mrs. Z. The saltines and ginger ale I have on my desk would be a dead giveaway to most adults, but not to my students.

Mono. I think that's it.

Do you understand the workouts I've done so far the past 2 weeks?

Do you want to know? Really? Because it's SAD.

Ran 4 miles twice, and 2 miles on Tuesday. TWO. MILES. I haven't ran 2 miles and stopped in YEARS. For the past 3-4 years, unless it's a 5K, my lower limit is 4, and even that's pushing it.

TWO.

DOS.

Today, I had to put my head down on my desk for 15 minutes just to make it through the afternoon. Then I came home, MADE BROWNIES (WTF?!), ate like 4 of them, and took a NAP.

In my head, I want to run. SO BADLY. I want to put on my Garmin and head out for a nice 2 hour run on one of my favorite routes...I have had dreams about it, actually.

But I just. Can't. Seem. To. MOVE.

They say this gets better after the first trimester...I really hope so. When I told my best friend Monday night, she asked me how it's been. I said, "Well...I'm so tired I have to nap or I pass out...and all I've wanted to do the past three days is eat cheeseburgers."

She about DOUBLED OVER LAUGHING and wondered what the hell happened to her best friend--the one who works out at least an hour or doesn't think it "counts," the one who eats only whole grains and organic stuff and lean meats..

I don't know where she is. I'm a little sad. I really want her back.

Because this whole "fall asleep on the couch after work" thing is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not me. NOT my style at all. And I don't like to feel like my body's been kidnapped by Evil Sara the Lazy Ass Cheeseburger and Brownie Eating Non-Running Blimp.

It's supposed to be 50 degrees tomorrow. SO HELP ME my LAZY ASS is getting outside and doing AT LEAST 4 MILES or I might spontaneously combust.

Please help! Send energy! Send mojo!

Send brownies...

From February 21, 2007...

OK. So I've had a few realizations.

One.

I can't really blog and publish right now, because I can't really think about anything except how this baby will change my life, and how excited and scared I am. So I'm just being quiet.

Two.

I'm not going to watch "A Baby Story" on TLC. Or ANY show about labor. Nil. None. All they do is freak me out. We're just gonna have to roll me in there when the time comes and roll with it. Ignorance is bliss.

Three.

I really, really want cheeseburgers. So we went out to get one Sunday night, and I made big juicy homemade ones Monday. Mmmm. And I had another tonight. With pickles and tomatoes and lettuce and mustard and ketchup and a whole wheat toasted bun. And 96% lean beef, so it's all good.

Four.

I am coming to peace with the fact that I have to cut back on working out...but I don't have to stop. I am enjoying my 4-5 mile runs 4-5 times a week, so that's 20-25 miles a week, which really isn't so bad for a knocked up chick now, huh? I haven't really felt like swimming, so I ordered a new suit from the Grab Bag at SwimOutlet.com (Let's hope, Pharmie, that I don't get one as fugly as your poor sister Steph got!) :) As the weeks go by, I'm sure my runs will gradually be replaced with swims...and that's OK. I'm gonna be fine.

Five.

I ordered my IMW Finisher's Jacket today. Because sometimes I forget that it is a big deal. Because I might not get another shot ever, or in a while, and because I can't predict the future. It's nice to have a little token of where I've been to help me remember where I'm going. I think it will help get my slow, chubby ass moving out the door next November the day I'm allowed to run again.

Six.

I totally forgot about the OneOOne competitions. Maybe THAT'S a better move for me...40 less miles on the bike? Could be more doable. Perhaps I will head to Texas in the fall of '08? Or not! Perhaps I'll go to Steelhead. Or do both. Or do none. I need to remember that I can't possibly think about that now...which is hard, because I just got my latest edition of Inside Triathlon and, damn, they explain all the best races at every distance and it gets me SO. PUMPED.

Seven.

Somehow I must be a good actress. It must be that poker face I can pull off. I felt like SUCH crap today at work, and had to lay down twice...but pulled off a lesson and even, during the last period of the day when I always feel like I've been hit by a truck, took an active role playing Woodrow Wilson in a League of Nations simulation I wrote a few years ago. They didn't suspect a thing.

Eight.

I've gained three pounds. I feel like such a tub. I feel like my stomach is already poking out and everyone MUST KNOW! But they don't. Apparantly, three pounds doesn't signify that much...good to know, I guess. So I'm going to have to let go of worrying about pounds for now. It's just hard, because I've struggled with pounds pretty much ever since I can remember...but when the time comes to drop 'em, I'll just have to buckle down and drop 'em. It's worth it, I know.

Nine.

I have two parties to go to this weekend where there will be lots of beer. I'm going to have to REALLY put on the poker face big time. "No, see...I have a LONG run tomorrow...none for me!" Worked before...can I pull that crap two more times? Sure hope so...

Ten.

I'm excited. I can't really believe it. This whole thing is surreal and I can't wait to share it with my family and friends. And I'm pretty scared, too. I can do this....I can do this...

From February 18, 2007....

And now, sports fans, is about when my body started giving me the proverbial middle finger. When it started saying, "Okay, CEMENT BLOCK HEAD, if you don't GET IT YET, then I'm a-gonna SHOW YA what's going on here. Whether you like it or not!"

The positive side here is that it seems to be almost done, now that I'm in week 14. THANKFULLY. I almost banged my head against the wall many a-time, but I just couldn't muster up the energy.

I'm back to working out 5-6 days/week (slowly and no more than an hour!) now, but it's kinda funny to look back and see how crazy NOT being able to work out made me.

Enjoy.

_____________________________

I am so tired.

But really...that doesn't even sum it up.

I guess I should consider myself lucky--there's no "puking my guts out" like it seems a lot of people have. I have sort of a low-grade nausea all day long, which at least is somewhat managable.

What would I rather have: puking for an hour or all day nausea and this tired?

It's really a toss up. Because, see, I don't "slow down" well. And this is FORCING ME to slow down.

Like, how much? Oh, to the tune of I can BARELY FUNCTION IN 7TH PERIOD CLASS ANYMORE, and I have to come home and TAKE A NAP almost every day. Which I hate. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate because I PRIDE myself on being able to get out there and RUN when I feel tired--that it makes me feel better every time.

But I just haven't been able to do it. I can't even really get my workout clothes on.

I almost fell asleep on my stairs yesterday when I was trying to put my workout clothes on.

I don't know what to do! Matt's NEVER seen me like this. I told him, and I'm not exaggerating here (and I think he knows, because this is a whole new TriSaraTops he's seeing) that I was NEVER this tired during Ironman training. Not even in the worst weeks--the 8 hour brick followed the next day by a 15 mile-hilly-run, 20 hour weeks.

And I just don't know what to do to fix it. Except sleep.

It seems, from reading around, that it gets better in the 2nd trimester....? That the low-grade nausea will cease and I'll have my energy back....?

In the meantime, I'm feeling some more of that "mourning for my independance" as my weekly 10 milers I so look forward to and enjoy are nonexistant, and my friends all had such a great race yesterday at the Chili Bowl. I can't help but be just a teensy bit jealous.

I want to race.

I need to remember that the races aren't going anywhere. The road's not going anywhere. This will all be there when I get back. But it's just sort of hard right now, I think. This takes some getting used to. I've never really had anyone or anything tell me what I can and can't do. And I'm lucky in that sense...I need to remember my blessings and that I've had 29 years of MY way, MY choice, MY races, MY exhaustion.

I know this is one more little reminder that it's not all about ME anymore, nor ever will be again. And that what is going on inside of me will make it all worth it in the end....that I need to TRUST this fatigue and do what my body tells me to do.

Friday night I had so much fun with Matt at our inter-club social downtown at a brewery (me drinking water, of course). A bunch of the local endurance clubs were there: CAMBA, CWRR, CTC, and the Nordic Skiiers. It was so fun! I got to see my buddies ESpeed, DaisyDuc, Charlie, Rob, JenC and her hubby Matt, and a whole bunch of other old and new friends. Matt talked to some CAMBA guys about getting involved with their club, which was great to see. He's a bit shy so I'm glad he had fun, too. And a few people asked me, "So, you gonna race the Chili Bowl tomorrow?"

I totally forgot I still have it on my 2007 Race Schedule. Oops.

I had to sort of make up an excuse that I was out of town. A few people even called me out on it and said "Well you could still race in the morning, right?"

It turns out that, for better or for worse, my friends KNOW me. They know that if I showed up to a 5K, and DIDN'T give it my all--didn't come in at least 24 minutes or faster, that I would be upset. With no verbal explanation offered, and with me not being able to run faster than 10 minute miles due to heart rate restrictions, if I showed up at the Chili Bowl and came in at 30 minutes and offered NO EXPLANATION, I'd be doomed. Everyone would know something was up. And it's just not smart to let the cat out of the bag too early, from what I've seen.

So I had to pass.

God willing, if everything's fine, I can announce to the whole free world in mid-March. And then, maybe what I need to do is sign up for a 5K. No secrets. No PRs, no pressure. And what I can do is pace my Mom to PR. Seeing her face when she'd reach her goal just might be the boost I need right now.

And then I'll probably come home and take a long nap.

From February 12, 2007....

And, my friends, it was RIGHT about NOW that I started to hit some reality. And it totally messed with my head. And continues to mess with my head. Meet Sara, the Pregant Ironman who has no freakin' clue how to NOT follow a plan. It's quite sick, actually. :) Enjoy my floundering. I'm sure I'm not done yet.

________________________________________________

For starters, here's what NOT to say to a room full of 9th graders in the computer lab, after a few students took the little balls out of the computer mouse and threw a few:

"That's enough. The next one I see gets a detention. I don't want to see ANY LITTLE MOUSE BALLS flying anywhere across this room."

*cue 15-year-old laughter*

Over the past few days, I've been getting my monthly Outside Magazine, Athleta Catalogue, and YogaLife. I can't help, as I flip through the pages, wondering what I'll be able to still do, and what I won't. I also can't help being a little scared of this: that there might be some things I can't do again--or at least for a very long time.

Backpack the Grand Canyon? Probably not. Not for a while at least. Thursday night yoga with my friends? Most likely on hold. Email on Friday--"meeting up for Happy Hour at such and such! Meet us there!"--OK! I'm so there! Not even a second thought! Probably gone.

I know that this seems pretty naive, to think I can try to predict what being a mother will be like, and what it will do to my life. I'm sure that next year at this time I'll probably laugh at all the things I thought I could...and could NOT do. I'm sure that some mothers out there are probably already laughing at my feeble attempts to predict the future.

I can't seem to help it...I'm a goal-oriented girl, after all. And the number one goal on my list at the moment?

Ironman Florida, 2008.

And this is starting to worry me a bit. Am I nuts? Can I do it? Probably. Do I want to? I think so.

Is that enough?

Why do I want this?

If I had to try and put it into words, I'd have to say I want it because the amazing emotional rush of the day, the romance and culmination of several years coming together, the feeling of being so alive and feeling so much gratitude and amazement and wonder all at once is hard to turn down. Especially, when you know, as I do, that I could do it even better.

I am certain, without a doubt, that I could take at least an hour, and more likely an hour and half, off my IM time in another go. I know this because I know myself. I know what happened that day, I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, and I know what I'd do differently.

I knew what would happen in my second marathon, and it happened. And the second marathon was even more amazing than the first, for that reason. All my potential, all my hard work, all my sacrifice and dreams came true and 56 minutes were gone.

I know I could do this at another Ironman. I know it.

So here's the quandry.

When is "just knowing" enough?

And when is "just knowing" being weak, and bowing out?

I am absolutely, 100% incapable of half-assing anything that I do. Anything. Ever.

I don' t know if I want to do another IM for the right reason. I said myself, over and over again this summer, how I didn't know how people did it with kids, with full time jobs, and everything else Ironmen do.

I'm going to have a baby.

A little person, completely dependent upon me and my husband. I can't possibly sit here and say I understand what I'm getting myself into here, because I know that I haven't got a clue.

I'm going to take on a very challenging position at work, teaching 3 classes of AP US History. I'm excited and also a little scared of this challenge--especially seeing as it is coming when I'm expecting my first child. It will be a HUGE change from what I'm used to.

I'm also a friend, a wife, a sister, an aunt, and a daughter.

My biggest fear is, if I took on another Ironman right away, I'd have to half-ass something. And I would hate that. I would hate every minute of that.

Maybe what's better for me right now is to accept that I might need to make a game time decision. That I will do IM #2 someday, when it's right, and not just as soon as possible so I don't "just know" and I "just do." Maybe that' s not the right reason.

I remember getting back to the car with Iron Johnny after a 2 hour hilly Hinckley run in 90 degree heat on a Sunday, after doing a 7 hour brick the day before. I remember laughing, as we high-fived each other (because we ALWAYS did when we finished a workout, no matter what), and saying, "If I ever, EVER complain about marathon training 'taking up too much time,' please smack me. Hard."

Maybe what's best is to "just" do 70.3s for a while, go for the sub-4 marathon, heck, go for the sub-23 minute 5K. Accept that Ironman is Ironman, and I know myself, and I already know that I respect the distance. There is no half-assing Ironman. And, for me, there's no half-assing life. Period.

Maybe it will just fit in when it fits in, and, much like it did the first time, Ironman will find me when I'm ready.

Maybe.

From February 10, 2007....

Things I'll Miss this Year:

1. Racing.

2. Racing.

3. Did I mention racing?

4. Going fast and kicking my own butt.

5. Trying to hit a PR.

6. Going for sub-4 at the marathon.

7. Testing out my sweet new wheels.

8. Hard 800s at the track...even though I sort of hate them.

9. Running hills. I do actually like that.

10. Long rides. Did I just say that?

11. Preparing a bunch of water bottles Friday night with Carbo-Pro and NUUN, chopping up little Clif Bar bites, and getting my fuel belt ready for a 6-7 hour brick.

12. Crossing a finish line, gasping, sweating, and knowing I've used every last ounce of energy I have.

13. Grabbing some hardware.

14. Open water swims with my buddies.

15. All the fears and excitement that surge through me on race morning.

16. Long rides with Iron Johnny, my training buddy.

17. Accidentally "running into" TriAl in the Metroparks as we're both on a 5 hour ride.

18. Road-tripping to 70.3s with my buddies.

19. My "10 Year High School Reunion," which is actually in our 12th year out (Why?), is on September 28th. No sense going if I am about to pop and can't throw back a few. I'm not too upset about it. :) I'll just wait 8 more years to 20. College for me was a lot more fun, anyway.

20. Being at the finish line at Ironman Wisconsin, to catch TriShannon and Wil and all my tri friends...and repay all the karma that I was given last year. Whenever I think about how I won't be able to be there this year, I get a little teary. It's the #1 thing I'm sad about giving up.

Things I Won't Miss This Year:

1. Open water swims where I run into the occasional nasty object that makes me freak out.

2. Ugly feet with half-on toenails.

3. Getting all the damn water bottles filled up with stuff and carting everything around Saturday morning.

4. Endless Hammer Gel.

5. Port-o-potties that are a little "ripe" in the heat of July.

6. Having the occasional rough race day and feeling bad about it.

7. Pressure: to do better than last time, to come in such and such place, etc.

8. Not-so-hot tan lines that I still have in February.

9. Driving 45 minutes just so I can ride on some decent hills.

10. Riding hills. (OK. I might miss it...just a teensy bit)

11. 10-20 hours a week of training and time away from my family and friends.

What I Can't Wait to Try:

1. Running slowly and really, REALLY enjoying it.

2. Swimming with a big ol' belly. Yeah, that's right! Deal with it! I'm gonna be HUGE! And in a pool!

3. Volunteering at the Burning River 100 Race, and all the races I can get to.

4. Hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time.

5. Remembering that in every swim and every mile I run, my baby is with me.

6. Meeting a little person sometime in October.

7. Thinking how someday soon, I'll cross the finish line and have a new little person there to hug me.

8. Listening to all the advice I can get from triathlete moms out there.

9. Being a good mom.

10. Seeing how happy my parents will be when they have a little grandchild.

From February 6, 2007....

"Okay, So This is How It's Gonna Be..."
___________________
I had ANOTHER day of school called off today! 2 in a row?! Woot woot!

So...I went to the pool for lap swim around 7:20. It felt nice to sleep in a bit, but still get a workout in. I swam an easy 2000 yards--some drills, some pull, some steady. And it felt good.

So, I think this will be my philosophy for the next nine months. I'm going to just do something that makes me happy (swim, bike on the trainer, easy run, or yoga) every day for a half hour to an hour, as long as I can. Eventually, the runs will turn to walks. And I'll maintain a bit of fitness while preparing my body for what's going to happen to it in October. And then, hopefully, I'll bounce back relatively quickly since I'll have kept active.

A season without races.

This will be my first one since 2000. It's going to be a little odd. But, I'm sure I can find other ways to pass the time. I just signed up to volunteer at my Tri Club's Spring Duathlon Series. I'll probably volunteer at a bunch of tris around here this summer. And, I'm very pumped to be part of the aid station for the brand new Burning River 100 Race this August, since I will no longer be able to compete at Steelhead.

So, I guess it won't totally be a season without races. Just without ME racing. But I'll keep myself occupied....I'm sure there are a million things that are going to come up that I have absolutely NO idea about yet.

After all, I'm an entirely different kind of newbie this season.

From February 5, 2007...

Well, I called my doc today.

I had to leave a message with the receptionist. It went something like this.

"Um, hi. Yeah, um, I just found out I'm pregnant. My first! *giggle stupidly* Yeah, I'm so excited! Thanks! Well, see, I'm a patient of Dr. S's, and, um, I have a question. I'm a runner, see...well, not a sprinter but a distance runner, and I wanted to ask the doctor how far I can go now....slowly of course. Yeah, that's right...no, definitely not fast....I mean, everything I'm reading says I can do "normal activity," but for me normal activity usually means a 10-15 mile run on the weekends...yeah, I know it's a little bizarre...no, you're right, you definitely don't have to talk this one into exercising, ha ha...so, could you just have her call me back and let me know how long I can go? Slowly of course... I was thinking maybe, like, an hour? Two? You'll have her call me? Sounds good! Thanks!"

*click*

About a half hour later, the phone rang.

"This is so and so from Dr. S's office. The doctor says you're clear to run slowly for no more than 5 miles during the first trimester. Then she'll make changes as she sees fit."

*click*

Five miles?

Five miles is....a short run for me. Five miles is the least I usually do--I don't even like to do a run if it's less than 5 miles.

For some reason, this is making me quite sad.

I know it's what is safe, and I need to remember what is safe. But it's just that running has been my sanity since I found it 4 years ago. What did I do before I became a runner? I can't even really seem to remember it.

I guess I'll have to.

There will have to be lots of time in the pool and on my trainer, I guess. This is fine. It will be OK. The road's not going anywhere. It'll be there when October comes...or, rather, November, which will probably be when I can really hit it again.

When we were in Hawaii, we got to hang out one night with my buddy Vicki and her husband Jeff and son Aidan. He's so darn cute--about 18 months old. We went out to dinner and were talking about things, and she said how being a mother was even more amazing than anyone had ever tried to explain to her.

"But you definitely go through this little thing, this period of, like, mourning of the loss of your independence," she said. "It takes a little getting used to. But it's worth it."

I supposed this is small potatoes for what will come. It will be worth it. I know this...I really do.

But I really look forward to a nice, 2 hour run on a Saturday. I really do...

Five miles.

I guess I'm just going to have to learn to love five miles for a little while. I've gotta keep my eyes on the prize, here, and remember how it will all be worth it--how it will be better than I can even imagine right now. Life is definitely changing...and this is another little reminder.

My First Ever DNF

And my last, if I have anything to say about it!

Okay, we're starting to enter the realm of "I am in denial that my body's going through MASSIVE changes and I'm just going to keep going full speed ahead! Yeah! That's it" phase. Looking back in my journal, the first week of February was when some of the nausea started, but it really didn't get AWFUL until around Week 6. In fact, this race was the only time I tossed my cookies. I guess I should count myself lucky!

Nonetheless, this was a humbling experience. My first ever DNF, served up for your reading pleasure.

_______________________________________________

From February 4, 2007

Well, I had my first taste of it today. What it's like to be a parent.

(I think.)

I headed out to the Dirty Dog 10K, to be greeted with HUGE wind gusts and a HIGH (yes, HIGH) of 14 degrees today. I just didn't feel quite right about things. For starters, my stomach's been going absolutely haywire. I haven't thrown up (good news) but I am feeling like I need to....almost all the time (bad news). So, I just didn't feel quite up to it. BUT--I've never been one to let a little weather slow me down...let alone, STOP me from doing anything I sent out to do. So, I drove to DaisyDuc's place to meet up with her and then drive an additional half hour away from there.

I grabbed my Ginger Ale and my pretzels. "I can do this. It's just a 10K. You can't let anyone know what's wrong, either. It's too early."

I had never made it out to DaisyDuc's cute place. Man, she wasn't kiddin'! I laughed at the yellow "Watch Out for Amish Buggy" signs I saw on the way, and also chuckled a bit when the Cleveland radio stations went out near her place. But Mr. Daisy and her have done such a nice job fixing up their century home--it's so cute!

I still wasn't feeling well. I decided that I'd better let SOMEONE know, just in case...in case what? I don't know. Just...in case, I guess. So I told Daisy last night, when I was starting to question even participating. She was very excited and swore to keep my secret.

We drove to the race venue...a 10K on snowy covered trails, around a lake that had many people out ice fishing. Now THERE'S a sport that just does NOT sound appealing to me. Then again, they were probably out there sitting in their little huts thinking the same thing about us trail runners getting ready to go for a 6.2 mile run in ten degree weather with a wind chill below zero.

We took off! I was excited to be there. I felt like me: Sara the runner, the one who loves a great race, the one who loves the snow. It was fun to race, even though this wouldn't be a "race." I didn't even have a watch. It was kind of nice. "I can do this!" I thought. I stuck with Daisy for the first mile or so.

And then....

Gurgle. Sick feeling in pit of stomach.

Uh oh. I slowed down.

It didn't go away.

I slowed down some more. People started flying by me. Competitive Sara got a little hurt. "What are you doing?! You can go faster than this! Look at all these people passing you!"

But I just didn't feel like myself. I started to get sick...and asked a volunteer where we were. Maybe we're close to halfway?

"Sorry, I have no idea."

Great. Keep going....it can't get any worse, I thought. The trail was beautiful. On a normal day, I'd eat this up. I'd be laughing and high fiving people and joking with runners around me how nuts we all were.

But it's not a normal day. This is the first time I've ran since I found out I was pregnant.

And I could tell that I wasn't my normal self.

The snow, as beautiful as it was, was about a foot (or more) deep in some places. I felt as if I was running up a sand dune. I could tell my heart rate was high, so I started to walk.

"What are you doing? This is nuts. Just walk. RUN RUN RUN YOU LAZY ASS! WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING, IRONMAN? But I just don't feel right...burp. Walk...your heart rate is up, dumbass. Walk. YOU'VE NEVER, EVER QUIT IN A RACE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! ARE YOU ABOUT TO START NOW?!"

I saw another race volunteer. "Excuse me, can you tell me where we are?"

"Sorry, Miss. I have no idea."

I had no watch. I had no gauge of how far I had gone. What sounded like a great idea at the time was proving to be wrong. What would my friends say if they saw me at the finish line if I didn't really finish? What would they think?

But what I really wanted to know, was what would I think?

I stopped and coughed--it must have sounded pretty bad. I must have sounded like I was going to hurl.

"Are you OK? Are you cramping?" asked a nice girl who passed me.

"I'm OK. I'm pregnant." I told her. For some reason, I just felt like I needed to tell her. To explain my walking. My poor performance. I needed to justify it. She congratulated me and told me what I knew...to just take it easy.

The trouble was, it's harder to take it easy when the wind chill's below zero. All I could think about was getting back to my car, and, dammit, the fastest way to do that is to run.

Beth caught up to me eventually. And then, Carol. And I knew now I had a decision to make. I thought about it. Hard. Tears welled up in my eyes. I saw the sole water stop and asked them how much was left.

"About 2 1/2 miles or so? I'm not sure."

I thought about what it meant to stop. How, up until this point in my life, stopping meant quitting. It was unacceptable. It was not even an option. I have had all kinds of weather thrown at me: from the 95 degree humidity of Musselman 70.3 last summer to the 38 degrees and pouring rain at the Fall Classic Half Marathon. I finished despite that, and even finished well. I trained all summer for Ironman, the biggest physical challenge of my life so far. I trained in the heat and humidity and had a few long rides in the pouring rain, and was surprised as most of us were when we got a race day that was 54 degrees and pouring, not the 94 and sunny like we all thought. And I still did it. I adapted...somehow I made it.

I've never, ever not finished a race.

Until today.

Because before, I was in control of me, and me alone. It was all about my race...my body...my mind. I've always been able to shut up my mind when my body is complaining...when it's hot, cold, when I feel nauseaus, when I hurt.

And I think I finally realized, out there on the trail this morning, as tears welled up in my eyes for just a second, what being a parent will be like.

It's not all about me anymore. Ever again.

I knew I could make it through the last 2 1/2 miles. Sure, I could do it. I'm mentally tough enough. I can put one foot in front of the other and have forward motion for 140.6 miles, that I'm quite certain I could make it through 2 1/2 more here.

But, if something went wrong with my baby because my stubborn ass was too pigheaded and selfish to stop, I'd never be able to live with myself. And suddenly, that made my decision VERY easy.

"I think I need to stop." I coughed and heaved a bit, and as soon as I stopped, I felt a little better.

A nice race volunteer gave me a ride to the start. I told her what was really going on, because I needed to tell someone. It felt better. She said what I already knew--that I was doing the right thing.

I made it back to the finish line just as Daisy Duc was finishing. She looked at me, confused for a minute, since she knew what she was seeing was impossible. I smiled, and said, "Not one of my smarter moments." I told her what happened, and since she knew, she gave me a big hug.

I let out just a tear or two as I said, "J, I've never, ever not finished a race I've started. This is a bit of an adjustment."

She hugged me back and said quietly, "I am SO excited for you."

And it was another reminder of how things have changed, even in this short week. A little foreshadowing of how much changing is to come.

I DNF'd my 10K today. On my terms. Because today, it wasn't all about me. And, in some ways, it never will be again.

I'll still race...I can't wait for my first comeback race this Thanksgiving at the Nakon 5K. But--I have a feeling that my goals will change. That I will race less for the hardware and more for the enrichment. I'll be picking races that fit into my life first and PR list second. This, for a girl who's done nothing but race with PR's and goals in her mind, is a little scary.

I strongly believe I can do Ironman Florida 2008. This is still my underlying goal. But I think I will get a nice shock-lesson in time management here this year, and my first DNF today has helped me realize this.

I can evolve into a Mom Triathlete. I believe that a Mom Triathlete can still be strong and competitive and brave...but she also must have the guts to realize that sometimes she needs to stop in order to keep moving forward.

WOW.

I am amazed at the outpouring of well-wishes! Thanks! Man, there's a lot of people out there! Sometimes I forget this is public. :) Good people rock. I promise now that I don't have to lie anymore, I'll be writing more and commenting more, too! Just get me to spring break and I can get caught up....

Okay, as promised, here is what I've been writing the past 2 months or so. We'll go from the beginning and work our way on through.

Remember...don't laugh to hard at naive TriSaraTops. Laugh with me, please.

Okay, you can laugh at me. I already am.

_______________________________________________________________

From February 1, 2007.....

I would have killed to have a camera in my bathroom this morning. Just to see a replay of my face.

I didn't think anything of it...I'd already taken a few tests, but felt a little off somehow, so I thought I'd take one more.

PREGNANT

Wait.

Where's the "NOT?"

OMG.

There's no "NOT."

*stares into mirror. looks at test again. stares into mirror with eyes the size of saucers*

Oh my God I'm pregnant.

Am I ready?

I'm ready.

I'm scared.

Oh, God I'm really scared.

I'm so happy! I'm jumping! In my bathroom! Yahooooooooo!


I'm running down the hallway, pumping my arms Kirk-Gibson-style!

Now I'm staring in the mirror again.

This will change everything. This will change my entire life. It's not all about me and my time anymore. Ever again.

Can I do this and still be me? Sometimes I see some people who stop being them, and they get bitter and mad and upset.

I can't ever stop being a triathlete. Or a teacher. Somehow, some way, I'll need to be those things still. The theaters may change, but I need to be those things as much as I need to blink my eyes.

Some people do it every day, and they inspire me--my blog buddies, Lana and Michele never cease to amaze me, with time for family and girl friends AND training. Wil's a mommy...and a teacher...and a triathlete...I see lots of wonderful other people out there doing it, too. They make it work, somehow.

All day at school I had this goofy smile on my face. I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know....

I know you're not supposed to tell anyone for 12 weeks...and let me just tell you how much THAT rule is going to suck. Because when a miracle happens you want to talk about it, you want to scream, you want to laugh all stupid giddy and jump up and down.

And then for a second you get scared again.

But it goes away. Waves of scared, elated, scared, overjoyed...

I think this is an entirely different kind of nine month training plan. And I'm going to have to try really hard to get used to it.

But, WOW...is this finish line going to be amazing or what?

A tiny little heartbeat

Okay.

Now it's real.

I just got back from my Doctor's appointment, and Matt and I heard our baby's heartbeat for the very first time. I started laughing, which then really screwed it up, but then once I stopped I could hear my swish swish and my little baby's swishswishswishswish and even though I've known this since January, I can finally share my secret.

I've been pregnant now for 13 weeks. I've been writing lots, but haven't been able to share until now...so I will. This has already been quite a wild, crazy, humbling, emotional journey and I've barely even started. I'm sure all of you with kids out there will laugh at my naive attempts to predict how I'll feel like I'm doing some kind of race plan. As I read through all the things I wrote yesterday, I got a few good laughs in at myself.

I think it's safe to say I'm out of my element here.

The new race date is October 8, which obviously changes my race plans quite a bit. For instance, running the Chicago Marathon and going sub-4 on October 7 is probably not a good idea, unless I want to go in labor on the course and scare the bejeezus out of 42,000 people.

So I'll start at the beginning, and tell you my story so far. Warning. Disclaimer. I'm not going to even try to pretend it makes sense. I am fully aware that some things I'm feeling are irrational. This is what it is: the story of an Ironman whose life has revolved around race plans and schedules for the past five years getting a nice healthy dose of reality. It's the story of my fears, too...and this amazing, overwhelming feeling of joy I felt today when I heard that little heartbeat.

Buckle in, folks. Here we go. :)

I Went Back to the Pool-O

That title's a reference to a Pretenders song.

Sorry. It's all I could think of.

Anyway, today I went to the Y to swim....all my swimming buddies from last year (Noodle Lady, Navy Guy, etc) were absent, and that was a real bummer. So, I thought I'd just splash around a bit and see how things went.

I did a measly 2000 yards...which totally violates my "It's-not-worth-getting-wet-for-less-than-3000-yards" rule, but I'm finding that most of my old rules are being broken on a regular basis now. And you know what? I'm starting to be OK with that.

I could definitely tell I was out of practice, and felt like the best I could do at holding a semi-decent pace was to do sets of 200s. So I did 200 pull, 200 swim, 10 times. Not the most exciting workout ever, but hey, it worked.

And I totally raced the dude next to me in my second-to-last set, but he didn't know it. I caught him pretty early on and then was able to still bury the hatchet. So I've still semi-got-game.

Okay, maybe just a teensy, tiny bit of game. But we'll take it.

Then I had my guest speakers come to school today, which is always awesome. A WWII-vet who was shot down by the Germans and held in a POW camp for 22 months, and then two Japanese-Americans who were interned during WWII when they were kids. Very different perspectives and all pieces to a very large puzzle of a story. I'm glad I have the opportunity to bring such amazing people into my classroom.

So I'm feelin' pretty good....it was 75 degrees and sunny here....Opening Day is in T minus 10 Days, the Buckeyes are in the Final Four (but I think I may have to root for Georgetown since I do have a transcript there...so torn....), and life is pretty much rockin' right now.

A certain friend of mine has a pretty big birthday coming up on Thursday, too. Hee hee! The secret's out. :)

Lots of reasons to celebrate around here!

I DON'T WANNA WAIT

I WANNA SEE THIS NOW!!!

Here's your daily hit of inspiration...



Some one just posted this on our tri club forum! SO cool.

Now, don't you wanna get out there for your run today?

A Bad Date in Hollywood

Okay, I have an admission to make.

*hangs head in shame*

I really, REALLY like that REALLY STUPID MTV show, "The Hills."

There. I said it.

I am fully aware it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ridiculously stupid. I know it doesn't really match up with my interests or intelligence quotient. But, I TiVo it and watch the dumb show anyway. Here's why.

It is very refreshing to see that no matter where you are--no matter how glamorous your life may be--your twenties are still probably going to have the same drama. Uncertainty about your future, what you want to be when you grow up, boys that are dumb and some that are not, and going through it with your friends.

These girls have a lifestyle that I never did, and never will have. They live in the Hollywood Hills and despite the fact that they are 20 year old INTERNS, they have a nicer furnished apartment than any furniture I have in my house NOW. They drive ridiculous Mercedes Benz cars, wear expensive clothes, and go out to glamorous LA clubs.

Now, for me, I spent the early part of my twenties in a blue-collar kind of town, drinking Rolling Rock and eating happy hour pizza at the local holes in the wall, trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to be with my best friends. So, in a way, it's a TEENSY bit similar. Take out the glitz and glamour, and it's the same old story.

So, it's nice for me to see that it doesn't matter where you live. It doesn't matter if you move to the "it" town and have Daddy Dollars coming out your nostrils. You have the same ol' same ol'. And I enjoy seeing that, and remembering going through some of the stuff these poor little rich girls are going through.

A bad date is a bad date, no matter if it's Brody Jenner or some guy I met at Local Bar X. And I remembered this last night, as I had a bad date with the Masters Swim Team.

I sort of knew this was going to happen. But I've been desperate for some things to change around here--hoping things will change and ready to try anything to make it happen--so I took up my buddy Joh when she said that I should give it a shot. Now, for me, swimming is a solitary thing. I spent many a year getting yelled sets and having a whistle blown in my ear doing endless laps, so I really, really enjoy swimming solo now. But I'm desperate.

"Sure," I thought. "No problem--I haven't had a swim in 2 months--literally--but I can usually wing it in the pool."

Almost everything about my date was wrong, starting with the first guy I met there, who was about as warm and welcoming as the Berlin Wall in January. He clearly was trying to "size me up," and bombarded me with questions that eventually got quite rude and obnoxious. Where, oh where is Joh? Agh!

The best part of my date was hanging out with Mr. Buckeye (totally cool hubby of Buckeye Runner) and Joh. Other than that, I knew it wasn't a good fit for me within about five minutes--just like a real date.

It's not you, it's me.

See, lots of other people like you, Masters. But we're not clicking.

I think I'd just be better off alone for a while.

And, like any bad date, well...then at least you know. So you shake hands, say "nice to meet you," and you leave. You find someone that's much more your type, since only you really know why it wasn't clicking.

Now, I should never say never. Matt, my hubby, tried several times to ask me out when I was in 10th grade and he 11th. I kept turning him down, despite the fact that he was the nicest guy ever, very cute (of course), and all my friends were knocking me upside the head saying YOU IDIOT! GO OUT WITH HIM!

I just needed about 9 more years before we really connected. And look how things ended up!

So, perhaps Masters and I are not finished. For now, however, we are. Aside from hanging with 2 cool people, everything else about it felt wrong at the moment. I need a break and it just didn't work for me. Totally not my style right now.

So, whether you're 20 in the Hollywood Hills, or 29 in blue-collar Cleveland, Ohio, you know when it's right and when it's not. And why waste your time?

This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race

The Scene: somewhere near Painesville, Ohio. August 12, 2001. Two smelly, sweaty chicks flexing on a curb.

TriShannon: I am so pumped we just did our first Tri!

TriSaraTops: Me too! I'm pudgy! Let's get a Blizzard.

TriShannon: Seriously, we should probably pass on the Blizzards. You want to get one every time we finish a workout.

TST: OK, Dude, whatever. You so go with me every time and I don't even have to twist your arm.

TriShannon: Yeah, yeah. I know. Hey, I think our $19.99 Adidas trail shoes we got at Kohl's a few months ago are fierce!

TST: No way, man. The best part of my shoes is the COTTON socks I have on that I put on in T1. So necessary. They totally made my race.

TriShannon: Is that a nuclear power plant in the distance?

TST: Yeah...it's cool. I don't have a third eye yet, do I?

TriShannon: No...I suppose you're right. So, um, we did get here a little early didn't we?

TST: Well, the book I have says always to get to the race early so that you have plenty of time to set up your transition!

TriShannon: Yeah, but I don't think they meant to get there 2 hours early and before the Race Director shows up.

TST: Well?! We SO had lots of time to get ready.

TriShannon: OK. Whatever. These leis are hot!

TST: NO WAY. What's HOT is my shorts that I put on in T1 that made my thighs chafe because it poured on us and I like to eat Blizzards. Now THAT'S hot.

TriShannon: I executed a flawless pre-race strategy.

TST: I was at a wedding last night and my drunk roommate best friend forgot her key and had to throw things at my window at 1am to wake me up. At the time, I was really pissed but I bet in a little bit that will seem funny.

TriShannon: I am SO going to do an Ironman someday.

TST: YOU CRAZY! I will NEVER do one of those. That's just INSANE. I mean, HOW can you do that?! There's no way. I have no desire to ever do that.

TriShannon: Whatever, wuss. I've always wanted to do one.

NOTE: TriShannon would have done an Ironman LONG before TriSaraTops if it wasn't for a nasty injury she had to deal with. She would have most likely whooped her ass.

TST: I don't doubt it, dude. You do everything you set your mind to. Hey, maybe I'll do a marathon now!

TriShannon: Um, don't you think you should try something more than a 5K first?

TST: Nah! No biggie! I just did a triathlon, so now I think I can probably do anything!

TriShannon: Yeah, I feel strangely invincible. Like our training ride where we rode 21 whole miles on our mountain bikes! Our mountain bikes are FIERCE.

TST: Yeah! Remember when we were doing a ride on our heavy mountain bikes and I ran into a curb, skinned my knee, blew my tire, and we had to walk all the way home? That totally sucked.

TriShannon: Yeah. We looked like tools.

TST: I need a Blizzard just thinking about it.

TriShannon: Hey, if I ever move away, let's be tri friends forever!

TST: Totally.

Possibilities

I just posted on the Flash Point Blog here. I'm being a somewhat bad blogger and commenter here, but only for a little while longer...I swear!

For now, I'm off to enjoy a picnic dinner with my two boys up at the Lake! 71 degrees, baby!

Don't worry, it's supposed to be 31 on Saturday. :) March is so nutso!

Happy training, everyone!

Being sick is no fun.

Waaa.

I'm sick and have lost my mojo.

It's cold and I'm over it. They say this is the "last arctic blast," but I've lived here long enough to know there will probably be one more...but the little 50 degrees and maybe even a 60 that comes our way in March will get me through!

And hey, Daylight Savings comes this weekend! Yahoooooo for that!

This weekend one of my bestest friends, Sammy, came into town and we had a blast, despite the fact that I was hacking up a lung. We went to this awesome store, Big Fun, where they sell old, new, and used toys....and I traded in my old broken Nintendo set for a BRAND NEW (OLD) ONE THAT WORKS!

Oh yeah. We played Mario like nobody's biznasssss. I still got game!

And we played Double Dribble, too. But we both were HORRIBLE. Lost my touch on that one.

Um....not much else to report that I can say at the moment. Perhaps I can say more later...

Bring on the spring! And BASEBALL SEASON! Yahoooooooooooooooo!

Suit and Wheel Porn

I got my new suit from SwimOutlet.com's grab bag today....and it's....TOTALLY NORMAL!

Yahoooooooooo!



Actually, it's totally what I would have picked out for myself, and looks almost like the Nike one I'm replacing it with--except much cheaper!



Oh NO WAY I paid that much! :) I paid WAYYYYYYY less than that. Good deal! I'll be sure to use this website again.

And now, proof positive that my sweet new wheels are:

A) way cooler than me

B) way cooler than my bike



My bike's bringin' sexy back. Yeah!

HAWTNESS! Oh, to ride on these babies...I can hardly WAIT! Arg!

For The Record

I'd just like to state that I'm well aware that pool swimming and open water swimming are very different things. I feel a little insulted here, and wanted to clear that up. Perhaps I should have stated all of this in my previous entry, but I guess I didn't think it really needed to be said.

Again, my goals are MY goals, I know what I'm capable of. I set my goals based not only on what I've done in the pool both the past year of training and throughout my 25 years swimming, but also from my 5 years of triathlon racing at all distances in open water.

Thank you for the kind words--I am and continue to be proud of my Ironman day. What would life be without high goals, you know? I will continue to aim high.

Now I'm off to the CTC Newbies committee meeting--I'm excited to meet some new triathletes and help them meet their goals this year!

Settling the Score

I woke up a little angry today.

This is rare. I usually don't wake up feeling like, really, anything, except hitting the snooze button perhaps. But I just felt kind of mad. At me.

I think what triggered this was that I finally got my swim photo from Ironman Wisconsin. They forgot to include it before, blah blah blah. So it came in the mail a few days ago. And I probably should just throw it away. Because it really just reminds me of feeling rotten.

The photographer that snapped my picture as I tried to get off my wetsuit and stepped on the mat completely captured my emotions of that moment. Too much, I think.

It is a face of complete, utter disappointment and disgust.

Now, I realize that my 1:28 swim is "fine." I realize that this may sound a little bit like someone who is mad about running a 3:47 marathon because they wanted 3:40. But, in this one instance, I think I understand how that feels.

For ME, and this is why I do this, anyway--for ME--I had a rotten swim that day. The worst swim of that distance of my life, actually. And when I look at that picture, I see it in my face. No one else probably could even see it, but I know me. And I know what's going through my head at that exact moment.

"I blew it."

For me, on my face I see the look of someone who knew they could do better and didn't. And that, for me, is the worst feeling of all.

I know, I know...all the things my head and even my friends have told me to try to justify....

"It was a record Ironman swim start--more people than in any Ironman in history"

"Most people's times were a little slow...not like what they usually post"

"Even the pros came out later than usual, Sara"

"You had a BLACK EYE at school on Tuesday from the BEATING you took in the water"

Blah. I hate excuses.

When it comes down to it, I swam 4500 yards in the pool weekly at a much faster pace than what I swam that 4224 on Ironman morning. And it's the ONLY thing I'm disappointed about. Not the endless, cold bike ride from hades....not my marathon (actually, I think that was my favorite). Just my swim.

Because I could have done better. I can do much better. I expected to come into T1 nowhere near that. I had a number in my head and it wasn't even close to the one I saw on that clock when I stepped on that mat, and I see it in my face and I hate it.

I want another shot. But I can't have one for a while. So I'm just going to have to tuck that picture away for the time being, I think. I'll pull it out again when it's time to prepare for IM swim #2.

In the meantime, I am pretty proud of myself for being able to move past the moment. When I read my recap of that swim again, and when I remember how I decided at that moment--or rather, the moment AFTER that photog snapped my utter disgust--I was going to have to forget it or it would eat me up that day, I am happy that I was able to do that. So, in that sense, the picture doesn't really tell all of the story.

Because if, on the bike, I sat there and bitched in my head at myself about how much that sucked, I would have wasted so much energy on negativity. (Kind of like I am right now)

And I really don't think I would have made it. I needed all the energy I could get that day.

So, I'm gonna try to remember that. Clocks are clocks, bad stuff happens, and disgust and disappointment happen too. They are inevitable.

But the real test in life is what you do with them.

And I moved on that day. So I'll just put this picture away, and do that now.

I ordered my IMW Finishers Jacket Today

I finally did.

I've been waffling about it for about 3 months...."Should I? I dunno....that's expensive...but it's pretty sweet....I dunno...."

Sack up. I bought it. Boo ya.

'Cuz you know what? It is kinda a big deal. The more I think about it, I remember this. And I think I deserve to have one from my first Ironman. So that's that.

I also ordered a new swimsuit from the Grab Bag at Swimoutlet.com...here's hoping it's not as fugly as the one that Pharmie's poor sister Steph got! I've been lacking some swim mojo lately, so I'm hoping maybe a new suit might do the trick. Like new running shoes...you know, they have that "new shoe" smell?

(OK. Maybe that only works for cars)

But new shoe FEEL. It just gets you excited, and if that's what it takes to get me a little motivation, then I'll take it. It's a good $19.95 gamble.

Today my freshmen were filling in a map about Europe at the outbreak of WWI, and we were discussing the English Channel. Someone asked how far across it is, and I guessed about 20 miles (turns out it's 21--not a bad guess!), since I said it can't be THAT far if people swim across it. "Not far? Maybe for YOU!" one kid said. I had to laugh at that. "Um, no guys, that's way too far for me." So some of my students then decided that's what I should set as my next goal.

No thanks...2.4 is quite enough for me. :)

I'm pretty pumped for the SimplyStu Worldwide Triathlon and for the Indy Mini Marathon! These should be fun...and interesting....

And on a positive note, only 6 more days until March!

OK. I'm not usually like this, but I get a little antsy this time of year. February can be a bit dreary in these parts. I don't mind the cold, but I definitely am not down with the gray. March brings spring and sun and even an early daylight savings time this year! Yahooooooo for more daylight!

And, of course, March Madness. GO BUCKS! But, why does Oden look like he's about 37?

Man, I'm all over the place with this post. I guess that just kind of sums up how I feel right now. A little. All. Over. The. Universe.

So my jacket should arrive in a week or two, and my new suit...and I will be all decked out and ready to go. Come on, March...

Polar Opposites

Staring out the window at about 6 inches of the white stuff...getting 3-5 more tomorrow, and 6-10 tomorrow night...don't get me wrong, I love the white stuff! But...

...just got these pictures from my buddy Vicki in Oregon, that we snapped on the boardwalk from Lahaina in Hawaii.

And this is pretty sweet, too.





Le sigh....

But--running in nice weather is boring! Running in 12 inches of snow is much more fun!

Yeah, that's RIGHT! Bring it, Lake Effect! :)

Race Resume

Well, I really am finding I have some extra time on my hands on the weekends.

Like, a LOT of extra time.

I'm just not used to this. But I'd better get used to it....

Anyway, since I really have nothing better to do, I figured I'd take up Cara and Elizabeth at InTransit and try to make my "race resume." Currently I have most of my bib #s in a pile somewhere, but I can't find 'em. So, I'll have to go from memory here and from the random race hardware I've managed to get over the years. This resume is probably a better way to keep track. I can add to it as the years go by and just keep the bib #s that REALLY mean something (like 2198, for example).

This has been fun...it's helped me realize how FAR I have come in just a few short years. It also is reminding me that, for crying out loud, I'm only 29. I have many, MANY years left in me to reach some more racing goals. With the current situation, sometimes I think I forget that and get a little bummed. So it's been kind of fun to type this up and put it all out there--and FORCE me to remember how, just a few years ago, my first 5K was in about 31 minutes. I was carrying about 30 extra pounds around, even in my first marathon! And now? Wow...progress is definitely good.

I also find it funny that I pretty much STARTED with a marathon. That's totally something I would do.

Let's see....how to start? Perhaps I will make it look like one of those cheesy templates on Microsoft Office. :)

TriSaraTops: Race Resume

Education: Second Sole Running Club, Cleveland Triathlon Club, Angela Forster Training

Objective: To continue to challenge myself in every way possible by pushing my own little envelope in racing...and in life.

Skills: Persistance, steady speed
Areas of potential for greatest growth: 70.3, IM, Marathon
Life racing goals: PR by at least an hour in IM #2, complete a 50K run, BQ (although I may need to wait until I'm at least 35 for that one...I need every minute I can get), meet up with my good friends and travel all over the world for Half-Marathons and 70.3s until the day I die.

2006 Highlights

• Pace Team Leader the first half of the Cleveland Marathon "In On Time" Pacing Group 4:45 (hit split exactly)
• Maumee Bay Olympic Distance Triathlon: 2nd AG, PR in the swim, 2:59
• Musselman 70.3, as a C race and long training day, negative split the run, 6:47
• First of a few Century Rides: Sweet Corn Challenge 100 Mile
• Ironman Wisconsin: First Ironman, finished in 15:32 (close to my B goal)
• Fall Classic Half Marathon 1:55, PR by 40 seconds on not much training
• ran with one of my best friends from mile 23-26.2 at the Chicago Marathon and ran into another good friend on the course, and got to see another good friend, too--and decided I MUST do that marathon someday

2005 Highlights

• Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon 4:18, a 56 minute PR over previous and only attempt at distance
• Silver Spring Stow Sprint Triathlon, 2nd AG
• Findley Lake Sprint Triathlon, 1st AG
• Lorain Olympic Triathlon, 4th overall female (out of, uh, 10...but it sounds pretty sweet, huh?), 1st AG, PR on the bike at Olympic distance. 2:54
• Deer Creek Pineman Half Ironman, first 70.3, 6:34
• Rocky River Spirit Run 5K, fastest staff member (female)

2004 Highlights

• Great Lakes Escape Olympic Triathlon: First Olympic ever! PR on the challenging run at Olympic distance 2:59
• Hermes Road Race Series: 2nd in Age Group 25-29 for year long competition of 5Ks and 10Ks for 2nd year in a row
• Lorain Sprint Triathlon, 3rd AG
• Dolores Sawan 5K 2nd AG
• Rocky River Spirit Run 5K, fastest staff member (female)

2003 Highlights

• First real season of racing 5Ks and road races
• PR in 5K this year 23:33, and haven't really been able to work on bringing it down since I fell in love with the long stuff
• First Half Marathon in Athens, OH 1:59 with Matt!
• Second Half Marathon: River Run 1:55
• Hermes Road Race Series: 2nd in Age Group 25-29 for year long competition of 5Ks and 10Ks
• A Most Excellent Run 10K: 2nd AG
• Multiple Sclerosis 150: Pedal to the Point: 2 day, 150 mile charity bike ride to and from Cedar Point Amusement Park, raised $500 to benefit MS Research
• Huntington Sprint Triathlon, 2nd AG
• Independence 5K 2nd AG
• Old Oak Run 5K 1st AG
• Dolores Sawan 5K 2nd AG
• PR'd by 8 minutes in the Turkey Trot 5 Mile, 40:02
• Lost 30 pounds, kept off to the present!

2002 Highlights

• First Marathon Ever: Cleveland Marathon, 5:14. Trained by myself with little knowledge of running, or racing for that matter

2001 Highlights

• Lighthouse Sprint Triathlon: First Triathlon ever with TriShannon, and now you can safely call us addicted.

1998 Highlights:

• First Ever 5K: Cincinnati Race for the Cure, September 1998, 31 minutes or so? Looked behind me just after the gun went off and thought..."Wow...a lot of people do these things...it must be fun or something."

________________________________________________________

So I guess you could say I've come a long way.

Kinda fun to think about what I'll add to this as the years go on...!

Tagged again

Me gots nuthin' else to report, except I'm back in the pool after a short hiatus! Yahoooo

So, I'll respond to tags from Lana and my girl TriShannon. They were to list 6 weird things about me. I guess that means I have to list 12? Hmmmmm....here goes:

1. I don't eat things that swim as their main mode of transportation. I've tried. I just can't do it.

2. When I was a kid, my favorite thing to eat was a McDonald's Filet 'O Fish. WHA-WHA-WHAT?! The horror!

3. I put peanut butter on my pancakes. Syrup is bunknasty.

4. I've got a damn good poker face.

5. I have to sleep with socks on.

6. I have a teddy bear (Teddy) from when I was a kid and pulled all the hair out of it by the time I was, oh, about three. DaisyDuc and TriShannon would always torture me in college, calling him "Baldy" and "Furry" and "Harry" and stringing him up by the light in our room.

7. Cleaning relaxes me. I love to come home after a stressful day, go for a run, and then vacuum.

8. Both of my last names (maiden and married) are difficult to spell and pronounce. One of my very first swimming ribbons for 1st place, no less, had "Sara Avicado" written on the back. (I'm still pissed.)

9. I sometimes enjoy messing with telemarketers.

10. I keep things in my classroom immaculate....but don't open my desk drawers.

11. It really bothers me how President Bush says "nuclear." I mean, REALLY bothers me. I usually yell at the TV loudly when he does it and sometimes throw things. I don't know why.

12. I have a pretty high threshold for girliness. I usually backpack with Matt and 2-3 other guys, and am often the only girl. I go several days without a shower (it's not pretty) and it doesn't bother me TOO much. But when backpacking July '05 in Kentucky at Mammoth Cave, I had a level 5 girl meltdown when we had some "dehydration and tick/chances of Lyme Disease issues" where I sat in the tent and sobbed that "I want to go home and I want some shampoo NOW." The guys knew better than to say a word. I'm pretty sure they all laugh now at it. (I'm finally ready to start laughing)

And now, I need to get on the trainer! I'm going to celebrate my buddy Sarah's 30th tomorrow at my FAVORITE MEXICAN RESTAURANT so I need to do some double duty workouts today and tomorrow to get ready to eat tasty enchiladas.

JenC and E-Speed, have fun at yoga tomorrow and I should be back next week! I'll be stuffing my face with oh-so-healthy grub. :)

Oh--yeah--and if you want to be tagged, you are.

SNOW DAY SNOW DAY SNOW DAY!

No school tomorrow!

No school tomorrow!

*jumping and dancing around my room*

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Apparantly when the high is 8 degrees with a wind chill of minus 15, that'll do it!

I'll take it! :)

On a side note, I will most likely have very sporadic posts for the next month or so. I'm writing lots, actually, and will probably publish some later, including my race report from the very chilly Dirty Dog 10K. But for now I'll just be lurking around a bit. All is well...no worries!

As for tomorrow, I'll be making me some gingerbread waffles and sleeping in! BOO-ya! Enjoy some pictures from the Dirty Dog, courtesy of DaisyDuc. Yes, those are teeny tiny little ice fishers in the second picture on the frozen lake. And all of our hair was totally blowing in the wind gusts, too! Gotta love it.

Who would want to sit on a frozen lake and fish when it's 10 below with the wind chill?! Seriously. Then again, who would want to run a trail 10K when there's 1-2 feet of snow in some drifts and a 10 below wind chill?

Man, those ice fishers sure are crazy! ;)







Chillin' like Bob Dylan in the O-H,
TriSaraTops