Butterflies in my tummy.

Can I just say that I wish there was an Ironman every night, so I could watch live feed of the finish line for 2 hours or so, like, every NIGHT?!

Man. Was that FUN.

MAJOR congrats go out to all who finished IMUSA, and especially JenC and Cliff for their Iron-Debuts! I got to see Jen cross the finish line and jumped up and down. Well, as much as I can right now.

Also, major Balls to the Wall Awards go out to my IMW training buddy/partner in crime, IronJohnny, and to kIM, for signing up for IMUSA next year! I am so pumped to follow their journeys.


So I was watching the live feed of IMUSA for Jen to finish when I saw something SOOOOOOOO crazy. RIGHT within a few minutes of when I finished IMW, a girl came through carrying a little one at the finish line--not sure if it was a girl or boy--looked about 2 years old or so. I got a little choked up and teary. Stupid hormones.

IMKY '09, anyone? (For the record, Baby Z would be around 2...)

Got some butterflies from that.

Speaking of butterflies in my tummy, Baby Z is currently 3 pounds, 7 ounces. Holy smokes! That's big. Don't get too big in there, you hear? You have to get OUT somehow.

Also, I'd like to state for the record that WHEN I SAY WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE GENDER AND FILL OUT FORMS SAYING THAT, AS WELL AS ANNOUNCE IT BEFORE EVERY ULTRASOUND BEGINS, THEN WE SORT OF FLIPPIN' MEAN IT. SO THANKS A MILLION TO THE TECHNICIAN TODAY WHO LET IT SLIP, AND THEN BACKPEDALED TO TRY TO STOP THE FLOODGATES.

Seriously. You're lucky I can't kick very high anymore. Many, many f-bombs were dropped by me in the parking lot, as well as threats to go back in there and kick some arse. Much backpedaling occured as did promising that it meant nothing and WASN'T REALLY A MISTAKE, but I don't buy it.

Oh well. Nothing I can do now. It just makes me really upset, that's all. Why people gotta BE LIKE THAT? Keep your mouth SHUT, beeeznatch. We don't need your stinkin' commentary. I guess I'll find out if she really slipped up or if her attempt to cover up her mistake was honest in a few weeks, anyway.

Baby Z stuck its tongue out at us today. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time. So that made me feel better.

And all is well in there, too. (Except that a very LOUDMOUTH technician sucks.) But in the scheme of things, that's what really matters.

Do you know what's really sad? It took me about 40 minutes to WADDLE 2 MILES YESTERDAY.

FO-DEY.

Sigh.

I guess I should be glad I'm still able to walk my 2-3 miles and am not on bedrest. I can't think of a worse punishment for me than being on bedrest. I think I might pull all my hair out and start speaking jibberish, like Billy Madison did at dinner.

And....I'm spent. That's all I got. Looking forward to some open-water swimming in a very, very cool location this weekend! Here's a hint: it's NOT Lake Erie. :)

Shakin' it up

Not really a theme to this post, just a lot of odds and ends.

FIRST things FIRST--good luck to my buddy JenC as she tackles her first Ironman in Lake Placid! Jen has worked so hard and I just know she's going to rock the course. Also, good luck to Cliff as he takes on IMUSA, too! These guys are both just awesome people and I wish them an amazing and memorable race day. I'll be cheering for everyone out there!

Second off, I never got to disclose the Super Fast Blogger I got to meet last week....drum roll please...it was Kurt! If ya don't believe me, here's proof:

(agh! my camera is swallowing pictures...stay tuned for proof!) :)

Kurt was just as nice as could be, which is how I pictured him exactly! It was great to meet him in person and I hope our paths cross again. We talked about all kinds of stuff, and I asked him what the secret was to his super fast 5 and 10Ks, since my favorite thing to do is go out way too fast. :) Wish we could have hung out longer, but he had to go to work! Thanks for having lunch with me!

Onto next year...my races are EXTREMELY subject to change, and they are already changing by the day. I think what I really want to do is to balance my family with my friends and racing--and racing friends. That's a tall order. So, I decided I really, really wanted to be able to go back to WIBA next year. There are just so many awesome people that I met there, and hopefully there will be a good crew next year as well. So, turning around and doing Muncie the following weekend is just too much traveling for this chick with a little one--I can already tell and Baby Z ain't even here yet! So.......here's my new plans: (don't worry--they might change in 5 minutes)

• End of May: Cleveland Half Marathon, hopefully to race, but at the very least just to run!


• Early June IF life permits: Maumee Bay Sprint or Oly Tri....cuz why not? It's not too far-and I can be back by the afternoon!


• July: WIBA with my Ironfriends (maybe I can pick up Jacks on my way to Madison....? :) Hear that, Jacks?) and perhaps a local sprint tri, like Huntington, since I earned a free race by volunteering this year--boo-ya!


• August: Greater Cleveland Half Ironman--this is a great race put on by an awesome guy and HUGE supporter of all things triathlon, Mickey, and TONS of peeps in my tri club do it every year. It would be a great chance for me to get in a 70.3 close to home. It's not the flattest bike course, which for me means probably not a big PR, but I might need to sacrifice finishing time for distance. The other option is Steelhead, which I believe is a flatter bike course...but requires a 4 hour or so drive and a night at a hotel. Boo. So...we'll have to make that call probably more in May or so, when I see how I'm handling life at that point.
  
• October: Chicago Marathon--big trip and a big A race...and hopefully a sub-4 or at the very least a PR with my IronSis Wil !!! Lush might be there if life allows it for her, which would be hella sweet. And I know another SuperAwesome person who might be on the course somehow, too! :)
  

This sounds a bit more doable. And, it only really calls for 2 weekends (possibly 3 with Steelhead but that would really just be one night) away: one to Madison, and one to Chi-Town. AND, I'd get to see lots of my IronBlogger friends while also doing a great race with my Cleveland TriClub friends. I've never done a "big" marathon before, and I think I could really feed off the crowd support and atmosphere when the going gets tough, as it inevitably will if I'm (able and) trying to go hard.

So that's the new flavor of the week. I'll have to update my chart! But for now, a storm came through and cooled things off, so a nice long walk is in order.

Sammy and Justin are coming into town this weekend for Cerveza's wedding, as are Po, Lush, and Hedda...so I'm pumped! And HAPPY 30TH TO MY GIRL JACKS! I have a few days on her but now we're even. :)

GOOD LUCK to all at IMUSA this weekend!

Motion

How do you avoid triathlon burnout?

Get knocked up.

(Seriously.)

I think this is great advice. I was thinking about it the other day, and I really haven't stopped moving in a while. 2004 saw a bunch of triathlons, a Masters degree, and a marriage. 2005 brought me another marathon, some olympic and sprint tris, and my first half ironman. 2006 brought me another half ironman, 2 half marathons, a few shorter tris, and an Ironman. I did a half marathon in late November, 2006.

I didn't stop.

Until February rolled around. When my body gave me the proverbial middle finger and sort of FORCED me to stop.

I kicked and screamed. I tried to keep going...and mostly failed. I slept. A lot. In short, I really didn't know what to do with myself. If I'm not moving, then who am I?

I think that's a good question for all triathletes out there to ask themselves.

Because this thing can be taken away from you at a moment's notice. And not always for good, exciting reasons.

You really, really need to know who you are when you're not moving.

I'm getting to know her...and maybe starting to like her a bit. I'm realizing how much of a dreamer she is--that she can't stop thinking about the future. She thinks about school...will she really be able to handle an AP class and a bunch of honors kids? She hasn't really had the honors kids...ever. Far from it. Especially not with a new (or at least MUCH more detailed) subject and when 9 months pregnant.

Then, she remembers...yeah. Cum laude, Miami University. Armonk Scholar. James Madison Scholar. 3.9 GPA in MA program.

She can do it somehow. She'll make it work.

She thinks about the fall. How the room that used to be an office is now starting to fill up with blue, yellow, and green things. How she can't deny what's about to happen when she feels a strong kick to the rib cage. How sometimes it's all so overwhelming it brings tears of frustration to her eyes...this thing is so much bigger than anything she's ever done. It's so damn scary.

But she's never let herself down before. She remembers that...at mile 5 of the bike course last year, she knew if she was going to make it that day she was going to have to adapt to the situation and throw all prior goals out the window. It was going to be all about surviving.

So she knows she'll somehow do that, too.

She dreams about next year. Of how happy she'll be to get on her bike for the first time, after watching so many rain-less, brisk mornings go by this summer. Of how she can't wait to run...to really, really run again. To do a track workout. To gasp for air again. To see a "7" on her watch--at the front--after running a mile. To feel her heart pounding.

Of how good it will feel to be at a starting line next year.

Any starting line. And how good it will feel to finish.

But for now, she's forcing herself to be in the present, because she has to. The kicks remind her. Snap out of it. Think about now.

She's packed away all her trophies and age group awards, and really wasn't sad to see them move to the attic after mostly gathering dust in the old office. She's starting to realize that's not what this is really about. That she'll never, ever be in the top 3 at an Ironman, a marathon, or for that matter, probably at a half-ironman. But she knows that those races are where she needs to be.

She's getting as ready as she can...because you never will be ready. You can wait your whole life to be "ready," and still not be there. She's figured that part out, at least.

But sooner or later, she knows she's going to have to trust herself and her abilities.

And that's who I am when I am not moving.

Okay, Blogger won't let me put a title on my posts now. WTF?

Anyway, I have a few additional and somewhat unrelated things to say.

NO more watches for my swims.

I wore a watch today and it was sooooooooooooooooooo sad. I just didn't have more than 1600 meters in me today. I had to have a break in the middle because the "lifeguards saw lightening," which I think was total bull and they just wanted a break. So yeah. One mile. A LOT slower than usual. Many, MANY minutes. Ew. I've had to scrap the flip turns, so maybe I can blame a few minutes on that...? Ah, who am I kiddin'. But, I guess that's what I get for carting around a 2.5 pound, 15 inch being (or so the books say at this point in the game).

Furthermore, it was too hot for me to walk at the track so I passed. Ugh. I miss running so much. Boo. Saw a lot of people braving the heat out there and it reminded me of all my runs last summer, to "get ready for the heat" in Madison (now that's just COMICAL). Iron Johnny and I would have LOVED to do a nice 2 hour run on a day like today. We used to wait until it was as hot and humid as possible. And then on race day I had to wear a garbage bag...ha ha!

While Matt was putting our floor in and I felt useless, I tried to assemble one of those "easy assemble" shelves. I SUCK at that stuff. Sure enough, within 5 minutes, I screwed it up and put 2 holes in it and started crying. So Matt came up to help me and saw in the directions where it said to use the SMALL dowels instead of the large ones and I SWEAR THE WORD SMALL WASN'T THERE BEFORE. Anyway, the holes are in the bottom so at least I screwed up the part no one would see. Matt helped me get back on track and then had to read for his classes, so I finished it up and put the blue, green, and yellow drawers in it.

And just for fun I put some stuff on the shelves that we've gotten. A piggy bank my niece made the baby. A blue stuffed bunny. A book.

And then, I realized it's starting to look like a baby's room.

And then I cried again but just for 10 seconds or so.

Damn, I wish I could go for a run.

Ugggggghhhhhhh.

There's a reason I don't live in the Southeastern US, folks.

I. HATE. HEAT. AND. HUMIDITY.

Yes, that's right. I will take 3 months of snow, sleet, and blustery winds in exchange for my nice, temperate spring, summer, and beautiful fall.

So this 93 degrees and high humidity thing BLOWS. And not just when I'm pregnant. Pretty much all the time. I enjoy living in a city with very few 90-plus degree days, and I have not been a happy camper the past few days! Man, how do you guys that live in the south DO THIS? Ugh....

Anyway, we had a great weekend. I feel like Rae with our kitchen remodeling! It's about halfway and unlike Rae we are ONLY doing the floor. I will post some pics when it's done. I'm not much help though, since I can't bend over very well and am the most un-handy person alive. Good thing I married the most handy person alive. But, I'm good at organizing, so while he was working on the floor, I cleaned out and organized all our cabinets. Yay! I contributed. :)

We also have some bathroom remodeling going on--the last of our wallpaper infested house to go down! It's not going down without a fight. The shower stall with pink and black tile, I'm proud to say, is no more. But we still have the fugly wallpaper with butterflies and stripes. Our whole house was pretty much covered in wallpaper when we moved in and we've saved this little gem for last. Hopefully we can just finish the stall this year and tackle the wallpaper later, because......

The nursery is still a disaster.

Maybe I'm just worrying too much here, but sersly. Alls I got is STILL my jogging stroller. Uh oh. Good thing we have a room that's yellow and blue. Matt likes to say it's because Baby Z is a Michigan fan (ew). It was our old office, so going through everything has been a pain. We're getting there, but we need to get rid of some more stuff PRONTO. And, like, get some stuff we need. But, I guess we've got time for that.

This Sunday I volunteered for the Lorain Sprint Tri and Du. It was hella fun! I did bodymarking and then was the "pointer" for T1 and T2. It was REAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYYYY hot though, and even though I drank a lot of water, I still didn't quite feel like myself even yesterday. Saw lots of CTC people kicking some butt, which was good. It's a great race for first-timers, too, so it was fun to see people getting bitten by the tri bug. And my buddy Marie was 3rd in Age Group, so she picked up some hardware! The best part? I get a FREE RACE VOUCHER for next year for ANY NCN race! Yahoooooooooooooooo! I might need to bail on the Chicago Oly for next year and just stay local and do the Lorain Oly...two trips to Chi-Town might be too hard to pull off, and I definitely want to do the marathon. Don't hate me, Wil....I'm still in for Muncie and the marathon though!

Today I'm going to do a 2000 yard swim and then maybe meet the Second Sole crew for a walk while they run. I don't know....I gotta see how this heat factors in. I might have to bail on the walk. Luckily, it is supposed to go back down to the 70s later this week.

And guess what? Tomorrow I am meeting a SUPER FAST and SUPER COOL Blogger for lunch! Super Fast Blogger is from quite a ways away and coming through on business, so I will leave you in suspense as to who it is...but don't worry, I'll get pictures!

Embracing 30

Man, so many changes in the last year.

I became an Ironman.

I became pregnant.

I became the new AP US History teacher for next year.

I became unsure of what to do with myself in the face of all these changes.

It turns out, all I have to do is believe in myself and lean on my friends. My husband, who is the most amazing person in the world to me. And I am blessed with the most wonderful, supportive group of friends EVER. Thanks to all my buddies for helping me celebrate a new year--I was bombarded with voicemails, texts, emails, and cards on Thursday. It really brightened my day!

So they say that when you're 30 you finally start believing in yourself. I think I believe in myself for the most part...but I have a long way to go. These next three months are going to really test that, I think. I'll be volunteering at a triathlon this Sunday, and then volunteering at the Burning River 100 mile race this year...I have sent away my wetsuit to my good buddy Jacks, and sent away my wheels to TriEric.

This year, it's my turn to step back and return as much tri-karma as I can, because I know how lucky I was last year to receive so much.

This year, I'll watch my good friend TriShannon cross that finish line at Ironman Wisconsin, after she was forced to sit back with an injury and support ME last year. Her dedication, talent, and perserverance never cease to amaze me.

This year, unfortunately, I'll have to settle for Ironmanlive.com to watch Greyhound at the finish line. Last year, I got to put my sweaty, nasty, rain-soaked and shivering arm around him at the finish line and RobbyB put the medal around MY neck. I wish I could be there to do the same.

This year is my Iron Sis Wil's year. I can't wait to watch her finish Ironman. I can only hope to repay her somehow for all she's done for me in the past few months. It's amazing how something as seemingly insignificant as a race can bring people together and bond you for life, you know?

So in the spirit of embracing this year's changes, here I am. I'm done hiding.



13 weeks to go until things change more than I can even imagine.

I am a HUGE dork.

I hate to admit this, but I saw this movie yesterday and it was AWESOME. (Except for the part where I got MASSIVELY motion-sick and since I can't take any dramamine, I had to beeline for the bathroom afterwords like a 19-year-old at a keg party. Ugh.)


It kinda makes me want to go find my bro's Optimus Prime.

I must also give big birthday shout outs to the Great One, Huey Lewis, who shares a birthday with me tomorrow.




Seriously. He's, like, the only famous person that shares my birthday with me. I guess I'll take what I can get.


I have MAD love for Huey though, and threw a few songs on our July 4th picnic playlist for tonight! Hopefully this rain will hold off and we can get in some good games of cornhole tonight. I just made potato salad and deviled eggs, and am taking a little break before making antipasta salad (yum) and my extra special burgers. Mmmmmmmmmmm.


To all here in the states, Happy 4th!

No Sugar Coating Zone

Alright, I'm keeping it real now.

I never heard it would be like this before, so maybe if I just keep it real someone out there like me might feel less alone on this stuff. If you'd like a happy entry come back later, I guess.

Except for one thing: had a WONDERFUL swim today outside in a beautiful blue sky. 2500 meters. Felt great. Felt almost normal.

Other than that, here goes.

I only cried once today, which is down from 3-4 times the past 3 days, so that's a start. And at least Matt was here instead of backpacking in Michigan out of all cell phone reach. I think that's why I cried so much this weekend. Lonely house. No way to talk to my best friend. Ugh.

I went to lunch with some of my close friends from work, and it was so good to see them....but so overwhelming. There were 5 cute little ones there and 3 of them are 6 weeks old or less. The others are 2 and 3. Just watching my friends and hearing them talk totally, completely overwhelmed me. Two had to go to the bathroom--one to try and stop her sweet little newborn from crying, the other escorted another friend's adorable daughter so she could hold her son. Then a little cutie started crying and I was the nearest one...so I tried to help and realized I really didn't know how. I couldn't even get her out of the CAR SEAT. I had to get instructions from my friend. All I could think of was, "What have I gotten myself into? I know NOTHING...." So that freaked me out. Big time.

This calorie stuff has me feeling like I'm in a prison for the next three months. I don't know if I can do it, because old habits die hard. Old habits being whenever I've counted calories before, I turn it into this sick almost-game where I try to keep it as low as I can. I can pull that crap off when it's just me...(not that it's GOOD. I'm just saying that unfortunately I can and did) but I can NOT be doing that now. It's not just me that might get hurt.

"The charts" that I have come to detest say that you are supposed to eat 300 extra calories a day, plus if you work out, an additional 200 or so on top of that. So, the past 4 days, my 1400 calories and 4 workouts really aren't cutting it. I know this. I sort of knew this would happen. I'd like to say I could track my food and count my calories without it happening, but that's not true. Maybe someday, but apparantly, still not now.

So I don't know if I should track my food anymore. I'm fearing that it will only make me feel worse (as it has), but more importantly than that, only make things worse for the baby. I might just have to tell my doctor to stuff it.

By the way, I'm in the process of trying to switch doctors. That's stressful, too, as I've only really gone to this one, but I know that things are only going to get more tense and emotional and scary from here on out, and I can't have what happened on Friday happen again. I just can't. Asking if I "drink a lot of pop" and then leaving the room when I'm in tears is just not cool. I think I need one that is a bit more sensitive, and I've gotten some great recommendations from friends. I just have to see if insurance will allow it this late in the game.

Thanks for the emails and comments with stories of others who don't fit the charts. It's nice to know I'm not alone. For the record, I'll just lay it out here: my doctor is freaked because I am up 27 pounds. According to ME, I am up 33, since I go from what I weighed before I got pregnant and not what I weighed my first visit at 10 weeks. Whatever. Compared to numbers I'm hearing from some of you out there who have been so gracious to share it, that's the only thing making me feel better. 27/33 isn't 400. I am 27 weeks along today. 13 weeks to go, so if I can keep it to 1/2 pound a week, I'll be at 40, which from what I'm researching for my frame is still considered pretty average. But, what if I can't? I worry about that, too.

I remember sobbing when I was 7 or 8 because one stupid kid would call me fat and I would just fixate on it and it was all I heard. My Mom tried over and over again to tell me I wasn't, that I was a strong little swimmer, that I was tall...when I was in high school, my friends said the same as I started the calorie counting ridiculousness. For some reason, I just can't shake what my doctor said, even though all the voices of reason out there are knocking me over the head with the obvious. And when I'm counting these damn calories I just can't stop being worried to put anything in my mouth that's not spinach, fat-free yogurt, carrot sticks, or a plain piece of chicken.

I can't do that for 3 more months. Not only will I drive myself insane, but it's not healthy. So I don't think I'm going to.

I think what I need to do is block OUT the one voice that doesn't make sense, and focus on all the other ones that do.

And focus on mine, too.

And stop crying, too. These hormones are freakin' out of control. Maybe this is a girl in here...I've sworn it was a boy all along until this past week. :)

Starting Fresh

...kinda like next year.

I was just telling Wil how excited I am to race next year, because it will just be all shiny and new again. After spending the better part of the past two days crying and feeling sorry for myself, I think I'm done now. Gotta love these hormones.

My philosophy will be to track everything I'm consuming. It shouldn't be too different from before, but I'm going to really watch the salty carbs that I like so much. Like pretzels. And Sun Chips. Mmmmm. Sun Chips. They will go bye bye.

I went to a natural foods market today and bought lots of vegetables--even more than usual!--and some other stuff to make lower-carb and lean-protein things. Anyway, all is not lost. After all, the baby is fine. That's what really matters. I went on a 2 mile walk today at the lake and it was a beautiful day. I'm not going to let this get me down. I've got a birthday Thursday, too. A big one. There's no crying at birthdays. Not that I'm even really doing anything that exciting, but still. Supposed to be happy. And I WILL eat enchiladas and a little ice cream cake that day. I'm sorry. It just is going to happen.

I refuse to go through the next three months of this hating every second. There's got to be a silver lining in here somehow. And although I've felt more down on myself this weekend than I have in a long, LONG time, there's still hope. Maybe things will level out. Maybe I can stay around where I am. I'm not off the "chart" yet...

All I can do is be the healthiest I can be. I did that last year, but I had the luxury of being able to torch 2 or 3 thousand calories in a nice long brick every Saturday. I could eat what I wanted and not pay as much attention. I feel like I've paid lots of attention now, but maybe I haven't. Something's not adding up.

So now I'll pay close attention. It couldn't hurt. And if it still doesn't change things, then at least I know I've done everything possible in my control. And I'll have to let it go then.

I found a great site: http://www.babyfit.com/ where I've started tracking my nutrition and workouts. They even have a nice message board where there are "teams" of Moms. I found a "Racing Mommies" team. How cool is that? Most of them are already moms but maybe they'll let me in the club. :)

I'm gonna do this, dammit. And I'm gonna like it.

All better, sort of.

I talked to four people whom I trust: one is an athletic good friend dietician, two are athletic moms (one of them being my own), and one's a best friend. All said pretty much the same thing, which was reassuring to hear that no matter if it's a dietitician or my best friend with no kids. My doctor probably spoke without thinking a bit, which might explain why when I started throwing things at her like "zero refined carbohydrates" and "high-fiber" and "low-glycemic" and "light but sustained physical activity" she started backpedaling and looked very confused. When she asked me if I "drank a lot of pop" and I said I haven't had pop in probably 15 years, or that I know not to drink juice because of empty calories she seemed lost. She sees me more as a piece of paper, which is just the way our medical system is set up right now, and she's probably trying to cover her ass. I can respect that, but I've had some philisophical differences and this just might be the straw that broke the camel's back. Next time around, I think I'll be going with a doctor who understands athletes more or is at least willing to entertain the possibility that someone might be doing everything right and still not fit into the "recommended chart."

I will still write everything down like she suggested, and I will BRING it next month. Yeah, that's right. BRING IT, DOC. I'm coming prepared. And she said she "might need me to see a dietician" if things don't change and I might grow a pair and tell her thanks for the suggestion, but that's unecessary. I already have a good friend dietitician who is an endurance athlete that thinks my doctor is overreacting.

And I just did that blog rating thing last night that TriEric had on his blog and mine was PG because I had the word "ass" 4 times on my blog. So make that 5. Or actually, 6.

ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS.

Ha!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go for a nice long walk with a few podcasts.

Okay, so I was JUST finally making peace with things and getting used to things...even a little excited, less scared and worried and upset.

And then I went to the Doc's today. I did my normal "don't look at the scale" thing, because it just messes with me, and I told her to just tell me if there's a problem.

There's a problem. She says I'm gaining too much weight. And now I can't stop crying and no one is home that I can talk to. I am angry, I am upset, I am trying really, REALLY hard to block out the 20+ years of body and eating issues that I've had, and now I feel like just when I was starting to get comfortable standing on this rug it just got pulled out from under me.

She talked to me about calories in and exercise, and it was all I could do not to start screaming and kicking the wall. I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. I SWEAR that all I am eating are small portioned whole grains with lots of fruits and vegetables. Ice cream makes me sick so I only have it maybe once a week, and I never finish it...I have fruit popsicles when I am craving something sweet. I eat nothing fried. I work out at least 4-5 times a week--swimming, walking, elliptical, and yoga.

I just don't understand, and it makes me mad and very sad. And then I feel overwhelmingly guilty for feeling mad and sad, because I guess I shouldn't feel bad since it's just me and not the baby. But this is hard. I don't like it at all. I have to now write down everything I eat and measure portions, just like I did before on Weight Watchers. Like before, when I was fat.

I don't like this. I want to be done. I want everything to work out in the end fine more anything but so far I have not really enjoyed this process one bit--I was almost there and now I feel like I've just taken one step forward and lept about 2oo yards back.

Outswimming the Storm

You know in those Charlie Brown cartoons where there's a little black cloud that follows Charlie around when he's having a rough day?

I feel like I've had that around me for the past week or two. Probably just general anxiety about me hitting the 7th month and only having a jogging stroller.

(It is a really sweet jogging stroller, BTW.)

That's part of it, but there's some other stuff, too. Essentially, I've been worrying about a few things quite a bit that I need to let go, and I've really been down and extra extra hard on myself lately.

(I'm always kind of hard on myself, so the extra extra part is not so good.)

I gave Wil a call to chat on Sunday as she was driving home from High Cliff 70.3 and then we finished our conversation up on Monday. It made me feel a lot better to talk to a like-minded individual about some of the dumb stuff I'm worrying about on all angles of my life. We also got talking specifically about tris and next year. She gave me some good advice.

She told me that Peter Reid gave her some advice (update--Okay, so he gave Melanie McQuaid the advice, who then passed it onto Wil...either way, STILL PRETTY SWEET!), which, is pretty damn cool that Peter Reid is giving her advice--holy shizz! I had to interrupt her and laugh at that. Anyhow, he said that at every race, he's not trying to WIN it. He goes out and tries to do the best he can for that possible day, and if he's done that, then he wins. Of course, this is a guy who, with that philosophy and mindset, has MULTIPLE Ironman WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS under his belt.

Maybe he's onto something.

I know I can't compare myself to others now, or even next year--that's not why I got into this sport anyways, and I need to remember that. It's the main reason why I think swimming was such a good sport for me as a little girl. You are on a team, but ultimately, you are competing against yourself. Next year will be harder than anything I've ever tried to do. The nervousness and anxiety I feel now trumps my sleepless nights worrying during my Ironman summer about 10 to 1, and I've still got 3 months to go. So I need to remember what Peter said now more than ever.

Will I win the Muncie 70.3 next year? Of course not.

Will I PR? I'd like to, but there are so many factors that I can't control.

The only thing I should worry about is what I can control...my attitude, my training (to the extent that I can control it with a few-month-old at home--it will have to be flexible and efficient), my nutrition, and my knowledge of my gear and the course. If I can keep the right mindset, I may not win the 30-34 age group, but I will win the first overall female with an 8 month old baby at home who hasn't raced in a year category.

Life's too short to sweat too much about your time anymore, I think. I had several years of age group awards at sprints and olys, and that was fun....but I feel like long course suits my personality better. Putting in the training required to pick up hardware at one of those things for me is not totally impossible (I never like to say never), but at this point in my life, would require an amount of time that I just will not have and am unwiling to create.

So I will look to the countless other rewarding aspects of triathlon besides the trinkets.

I've got a whole shelf full of those collecting dust, anyway. They're on a dresser that will soon be the baby's, and I'm not even sure where to put them. I don't want to say they don't matter anymore, because they were and are an important reminder of who I am and how far I've come, but they might just be moved to a box somewhere upstairs for now. I think now, as I'm staring a new decade in the face, I'm realizing that they are overrated.

You know, kind of like waistlines. :)

Anyway, yesterday I couldn't help notice while I was banging out 3000 yards in the pool again (hey, it's the only thing I can really do right now, so I have a feeling we'll be doing a lot of those workouts these next few weeks), that a ominous black cloud was hovering over me--literally. I stopped to fix my goggles, and the wind blew some lady's newspaper into the pool as she sipped her iced mocha. Kids ran after hats and toys. "Oh, no you don't," I thought. "I'm not done swimming yet." So I pushed off again for my last 1000. There was a guy in the lane next to me with a gatorade endurance bottle and I figured he must be some kind of triathlete. He was pretty fast, and for once I just let him go so I could focus on my own sets. He did his short sets fast and stopped, while I just went steady...the opposite of what I did for so many years...the 50 and 100 free, sprinting. I've got trinkets for those, too, I thought. I'm not even sure I know where they are.

Steady, steady, I kept going and the black cloud still hovered. On my last 100, I noticed fast guy was right around me. I decided to try and keep his pace just for fun on the last 50. I "beat" him by a stroke.

Alright, so that's the closest I can come to racing this year. Cut me some slack. I've got to appease otherwise slow Competitive Sara somehow.

Victory is often in the eye of the beholder. That's what's so great about this sport, and now more than ever, I'm learning that as I sit on the sidelines and watch this season. My first tri season in 6 years without a tri.

I might just be learning more this season than in all the other seasons, combined.

Help a Brutha Out!

We hereby interrupt the usual programming here to plug my buddy Manitoba Guy's quest for a new Cervelo! Manitoba Guy, aka Laird, has entered a contest where he had to create a 15 second movie about how much he loves his Cervelo. He made the top 10--yahoo!!! So now it's up to loyal fans to get him the prize. His movie is quite riveting. I think Spielberg and Scorcese are pretty jealous.

So, if you have a second, please head over to www.cervelo.tv and find his video entitled "Laird L. Cervelo Dream" on the right. Then, after wiping the tears away from his Oscar-contending performance, please vote a "5 I Love It" after viewing. You can only vote once, but he'd really appreciate it!

Why should you vote for Manitoba Guy? Because he rocks! He and his wife were across the hall in the hotel with me before Ironman Wisconsin, and when I arrived at the hotel to check in we struck up a conversation since I was alone, and went on a little ride on the course. Then we ran into each other at the Gatorade Swim and all hung out at dinner at Stu's on Friday. He's a cool guy and a kick-ass Ironman to boot. And--apparantly he's pretty creative with a camera!

So why not share the tri-bike love? :)

Sports bras are awesome.

Not a whole lot to report, here...

Monday I swam in the lake with the tri club, then the rest of the week I've done some walks (I think I'm even done with wogging. Lower back hurts too much. We'll see.), a few rides on my Raleigh mountain bike (on the sidewalk, of course) and some yoga last night. I'm feeling a little better about the whole weight thing. You can't really fight biology. So either I continue to fight and get frustrated, or I just continue to eat as healthy as possible, do some kind of physical activity 5-6 times a week, and just go with it.

I had 2 different strangers on 2 different days this week tell me there's no way I look like I'm 6 months pregnant. That was certainly nice to hear after some of the ruder comments I've gotten lately. One of the people has a 4 month old at home and looks fantastic, and CLAIMS she gained 80 pounds with her first and 60+ with her second. ?!?!?!?! That just can't really be good, but hey, she looks fantastic so I guess what do I know? Makes me feel a little bit better about the number I've gained so far.

I've also discovered that the only bras that are really actually somewhat comfortable right now are my sports bras. Woo hoo! This triathlete has plenty of those.

I'm still missing triathlon, but trying to really focus on this new aspect of my life. Tris, I keep reminding myself, ain't goin' nowhere. But I'm still dreaming of future races, and have added my '08 race schedule. It's good to think about the future a little to get my mind off some of the nervousness and scared feelings that come. I wear my Ironman necklace every day and it helps me remember that sometimes things you think are impossible really aren't. The body is an amazing thing.

Tonight, a cookout with some family, and then this weekend I've got some fun stuff planned with friends. And whoa--I turn 30 in less than 2 weeks. That's pretty crazy...too bad I can't test out the new age group until next year! But 30-34, watch out cuz here I come! :)

Holy Smokes.

Well, this certainly makes it real.

That's the little monkey that's been kickin' like crazy. Not too much longer and Baby Z will make its world debut.

All was almost well at the last ultrasound, and now all is very much well, which is good news.

Kinda amazing, huh?

The Most Fun You Can Have Without Doing a Triathlon

I am all pumped up!

STUPENDOUSLY awesome night tonight.

I met the TriClub down at the beach for an Open Water Swim. This one was newbies-specific, but welcomed all. We had a great mix of seasoned tri-veterans and Ironman finishers along with people who have yet to do their first sprint tri. Outside, it was 90 degrees and humid, and I was really, really hoping that Lake Erie wouldn't be too cold since A) I can't fit into my wetsuit right now and B) even if I wanted to fit into my wetsuit, I sent it away to Jaclyn so she could use it this season.

Bellissimo! Perfect lake temperature. Some in wetsuits even got a little warm!

We practiced sighting, turning around buoys, and then just swimming in the open water. I felt pretty slow, but it was just nice to be out there and help out some newbies as they were getting excited for their first tri. I never even did an open-water swim before my first tri and got quite a rude awakening that day! It was really fun just to be around triathletes and get in a little workout on a hot but otherwise perfect night.

Then, as we were packing up, I got to see Lloyd who was coming down the stairs....AFTER FINISHING THE MOHICAN 100 YESTERDAY! HUGE congrats to Lloyd. He not only FINISHED, folks. He was NINTH OVERALL and finished in 21 hours. AMAZING. Mark, another Second Sole friend was with him, and they were going to do a little swim to recover. It was great to see them both!

A few of us then headed over to my place, since I live right by the beach, for some burgers, veggies, antipasta salad (Mom's recipe), fruit, snacks, and good conversation. TriEric helped me out and grilled the burgers (THANKS, bro!) and I set everything up, tried to keep Mugsy from eating all my plants and drinking everyone's gatorade, and the rest of the crew sat around the patio and just chilled. It was super fun. I got to hang with DaisyDuc and Marie, too, who I hadn't seen in a bit. They both had to drive quite a way to get there, and I really appreciate them coming out. It was so good to see them! The sun started to set and trifriends then had to head home.

Tomorrow morning, I have another ultrasound. I'm excited for that, too. And I'm excited for what next year will bring, both life-wise and race-wise. Tonight helped remind me that I can, to some extent, still do the things I really love to do in the summertime: swim, laugh with my friends, and talk triathlon, and think about what I am capable of.

Meltdown #2

So yesterday I had to have meltdown #2.

Matt was a witness to the first one. My poor Mom was the witness to this one.

Essentially, I am so sick of these dumb baby books/magazines/store employees that tell you your "pre-pregnancy size" is what you will wear in your pregnancy.

BULL. HONKEY.

I am normally a 6 or 8, depending on the brand. That is most usually a medium, and occasionally a small. I am sort of tall (5'8") although I am the shortest person in my family.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Logic would say that I'd wear a medium in stupid maternity clothes, right?

Oh no. Not so fast. We need to factor in this.

This is so out of control it's driving me nuts. So last night we were meeting some friends out at a fun little bar and I wanted a cute shirt. All the shirts I have that I can actually fit into are stretch polos, or tank tops from Old Navy Maternity. Not really the essence of style. I'm not a style snob, but I would like to have just ONE shirt that is somewhat stylish to wear out with friends on the rare occasion I actually head downtown to a nice pub. Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

Seriously. I hate everyone in the maternity clothing industry. It seems to be that my choices are either a knit tank top, or shirts that look WAYYYYY too matronly for me. I really don't want to look 15 years older than I am, you know? Why don't they get that?!

So Mom took me to the Maternity Store--the only one really around here--and we tried to find shirts. I tried on MEDIUMS BECAUSE DARN IT THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY TO DO.

I seriously can barely get them over my head.

Even the LARGES ARE TOO SMALL.

So I proceed to start breaking down in the dressing room. Poor Mom tries to pick out a few clothes to make me feel better but it only made me feel worse. I put on my huge cheap sunglasses and snuck out of there with nothing and then proceeded to heaving cry the whole way home.

I'm sorry you had to witness that, Mom. It's just that....how DARE "they" say that you remain your pre-pregnancy size when I AM ALREADY AT MONTH SIX 2 SIZES OVER THAT?!?!?!?! That REALLY doesn't work wonders for the ego.

I finally got home and decided the only thing that would make me feel better was a GOOD workout.

10 mile run?

NOT ALLOWED

How about a nice hour long ride outside?

PROHIBITED

Okay, fine then I'M JUST GONNA SWIM UNTIL I CAN'T ANYMORE.

So I went up to the pool and swam 3000 yards, stopping only to fix my cap that was inching off my head and occasionally adjust my goggles. 3000 yards, only stopping a few times. I could have definitely kept going, too, but I was already out of time.

TAKE THAT MATERNITY CLOTHING INDUSTRY.

I also ran into Rob, who is kicking some SERIOUS butt getting ready for IMUSA. I can't believe how much he has improved his run game this past year, and I gave him some mad props for it. He's already an amazing swimmer and cyclist, so now that he's blazing the run, I wouldn't be surprised if he knocked off some serious time off his already-impressive IM performances. So it was nice to talk Ironman a bit and I think it helped remind me that next year at this time I can hopefully be moving faster, too.

So I got home, showered and changed, and then headed out to meet my buddies. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that if one part of me have to inflates, I guess it's better that it's the top half. My pants, shorts, capris, and skirts are all medium. I'd rather have an XL top and a medium ass than an XL ass and a medium top.

Baby Z is moving around like crazy. I think it likes to swim. And it's probably also laughing at me, too.

Like, really hard.

Swimming and Canada

You know what totally stinks about pregnant swimming?

1. How slow I am.

But, you know what totally ROCKS about pregnant swimming? Let me count the ways...

1. I actually feel almost normal!
2. I'm still doing (ugly) flip turns!
3. I can still sort of "race" the people next to me even though they don't know it! Totally caught up to this chick next to me after about 100 and then managed to squeak by 2 lengths ahead of her when I hit 200. Competitive Sara rears her ugly head six months pregnant. Yeah, uh...that little game doesn't work out for me when I'm "wogging."
4. Multitasking: since I can only lay out on my back, I can swim and get some color on my back, and then dry off while listening to a podcast or just chillin' on the flip side! BRILLIANT!

2000 meters seems to be a perfect distance for now. Not very far, but hey, it's somethin' at least! So all is well.

Except for one thing: tonight I had to say goodbye to Canada Jenn, my partner in crime and favorite running buddy for the past five years. In classic Sara style, it didn't hit me until I got in the car to drive home, which led to a pit stop at Malley's to get 2 chocolate covered pretzels. After that, I proceeded to cry the whole way home. She'll eventually end up somewhere on the west coast (after a year stint in Peoria, IL) to be closer to her family, which is great...except for me.

I miss my friend already! Boo.

Studying Abroad

I had a little realization yesterday.

As tri season is in full-swing for the first time since 2001 without me, I feel like I'm missing out. I worry that I'm doing nothing but getting fatter and slower, as my friends are all getting fitter and faster. This is pretty silly, and I am fully aware of that. My tragic flaw is worrying to the point of irrationality. I'm working on it. It's quite a work in progress.

So yesterday, as I was feeling pretty low after friends/coworkers little observations about (brace yourself, here) how I DON'T look like I did during Ironman training (I know...no SHIZ Sherlock), for some reason I remembered back in high school how my friend at the time, Joy, was going to spend her junior year as an AFS student in France and how I couldn't possibly wrap my head around it.

But, she's going to MISS SO MUCH! Like, FOOTBALL GAMES! And, GOING TO FRIENDLY'S AFTER FOOTBALL GAMES! And, like, the big yearly BAND CONCERT! I mean, how will she LIVE knowing she didn't get to go to HOMECOMING? Why on EARTH would you want to miss all THAT and spend a year in PARIS? What about SWIM SEASON?! And, like, AP ENGLISH?! How could you want to be ANYWHERE BUT HERE?????

Yeah. Pretty ridiculous.

Let's see....France, or small-town Ohio?

To 16 year old me I couldn't POSSIBLY GRASP anything but small-town Ohio. That was my little world I had created for myself, and that was all I knew.

This is a good thing that I'm being forced to study abroad this year. I've gotten a few books and have been reading about how I can fine-tune things: my bike, my nutrition, etc. I've been forced to step back and have fought it kicking and screaming the whole way. Workouts are getting shorter. Stomach is getting bigger. Kicks are getting stronger.

I'm being forced to live in the moment. Not thinking about this week's plans, or this month's goals, or hours on this or that.

This, to me, is a foreign country.

I'm sure that I'll look back on this I'll laugh, just like I do when I tell the story of how I thought Joy was absolutely insane for leaving my little world for 9 months. It all seems so silly now. High school didn't go anywhere, but she had an amazing experience. Neither are these races.

When you're at minute 32 of a 7 mile ride, you can't start thinking about all your insecurities and worries. You just keep spinning. If you worry too much, you waste energy. And that's DUMB. You just go minute by minute and deal with each thought as they come to you, and each problem as it arises. And then you move on.

How did I get through the Ironman last year, with my nutrition that I left in the trunk of my car, the surprise weather forecast that left many on the side of the road with hypothermia, the clock that ticked away and the initial goals in my head that slipped away, too?

I think, really, for the first time in my life actually, I didn't think about it. I just did it. I stayed in the moment or I would never, EVER have made it to that finish line.

Somehow, I need to do that here. I will get fitter again. I will get faster again. I've never let myself down before, and I damn well know that I won't now.

So maybe instead of worrying, I'd better just enjoy the view from the Eiffel Tower this tri season.

Public Service Announcement

I just got back from 35 minutes of "wogging" (which is Cerveza's term for walk/jog...and unfortunately what I think I am succumbing to here in my 6th month) and feel a little sad. These little valleys are bound to happen, I guess. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that this journey gets me down from time to time, despite the extreme excitement and anticipation of it all.

I'd like to say a little PSA for the world at large. Maybe it's because I had to graduate to Matt's Cool Max shirts today, as mine are ridiculously tight. Perhaps it's because my favorite red swimsuit I swim in all the time will have to be retired for a while for fear of me resembling an Italian, slightly bloated CJ Parker from Baywatch with a distended belly. For whatever reason, I think I've just had enough.

So here it is: what NOT to say to someone who's pregnant.

I admit I must have made some mistakes in the past. No one told me not to tell moms to be that they have popped out and look so cute (which I know I've said before--I'm so sorry! you must have wanted to smack me!)

I have heard the following comments in the past eight days. None of these are exaggerated. Some are from males, but some are from females, too. None were from my Nutter girls who I got to visit this weekend and as always, rock the house. :) All of these comments have one thing in common: they were NOT WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR.

1. "Wow, she looks really great! You...I mean, YOU look a lot more pregnant than her!" points to my friend, who is DUE WITH TWINS IN JULY.

2. "I didn't realize you were pregnant! I thought you were just getting fat."

3. "Boy...wow...you sure have gotten huge since I last saw you, what, two weeks ago?"

4. "WOW. Well, you certainly look like you've stopped running." To which I replied, NO ACTUALLY I HAVEN'T, BUT THANKS.

Here is the only safe and acceptable thing to say to a pregnant chick...the secret phrase...the only one you'll ever need to know:

"Wow! You look great."

Because you know what? Maybe said pregnant chick doesn't look great by her standards, or traditional standards. But by the standards of carrying around a little kicking alien creature that has made it impossible for her to stop gaining and gaining weight despite exercise and eating well and NOW SHE HAS TO WEAR HER HUSBAND'S RUNNING CLOTHES...taking that into consideration...SHE LOOKS FLIPPIN' GREAT.

That's all. Just stop there. PLEASE.