Alright, I'm keeping it real now.
I never heard it would be like this before, so maybe if I just keep it real someone out there like me might feel less alone on this stuff. If you'd like a happy entry come back later, I guess.
Except for one thing: had a WONDERFUL swim today outside in a beautiful blue sky. 2500 meters. Felt great. Felt almost normal.
Other than that, here goes.
I only cried once today, which is down from 3-4 times the past 3 days, so that's a start. And at least Matt was here instead of backpacking in Michigan out of all cell phone reach. I think that's why I cried so much this weekend. Lonely house. No way to talk to my best friend. Ugh.
I went to lunch with some of my close friends from work, and it was so good to see them....but so overwhelming. There were 5 cute little ones there and 3 of them are 6 weeks old or less. The others are 2 and 3. Just watching my friends and hearing them talk totally, completely overwhelmed me. Two had to go to the bathroom--one to try and stop her sweet little newborn from crying, the other escorted another friend's adorable daughter so she could hold her son. Then a little cutie started crying and I was the nearest one...so I tried to help and realized I really didn't know how. I couldn't even get her out of the CAR SEAT. I had to get instructions from my friend. All I could think of was, "What have I gotten myself into? I know NOTHING...." So that freaked me out. Big time.
This calorie stuff has me feeling like I'm in a prison for the next three months. I don't know if I can do it, because old habits die hard. Old habits being whenever I've counted calories before, I turn it into this sick almost-game where I try to keep it as low as I can. I can pull that crap off when it's just me...(not that it's GOOD. I'm just saying that unfortunately I can and did) but I can NOT be doing that now. It's not just me that might get hurt.
"The charts" that I have come to detest say that you are supposed to eat 300 extra calories a day, plus if you work out, an additional 200 or so on top of that. So, the past 4 days, my 1400 calories and 4 workouts really aren't cutting it. I know this. I sort of knew this would happen. I'd like to say I could track my food and count my calories without it happening, but that's not true. Maybe someday, but apparantly, still not now.
So I don't know if I should track my food anymore. I'm fearing that it will only make me feel worse (as it has), but more importantly than that, only make things worse for the baby. I might just have to tell my doctor to stuff it.
By the way, I'm in the process of trying to switch doctors. That's stressful, too, as I've only really gone to this one, but I know that things are only going to get more tense and emotional and scary from here on out, and I can't have what happened on Friday happen again. I just can't. Asking if I "drink a lot of pop" and then leaving the room when I'm in tears is just not cool. I think I need one that is a bit more sensitive, and I've gotten some great recommendations from friends. I just have to see if insurance will allow it this late in the game.
Thanks for the emails and comments with stories of others who don't fit the charts. It's nice to know I'm not alone. For the record, I'll just lay it out here: my doctor is freaked because I am up 27 pounds. According to ME, I am up 33, since I go from what I weighed before I got pregnant and not what I weighed my first visit at 10 weeks. Whatever. Compared to numbers I'm hearing from some of you out there who have been so gracious to share it, that's the only thing making me feel better. 27/33 isn't 400. I am 27 weeks along today. 13 weeks to go, so if I can keep it to 1/2 pound a week, I'll be at 40, which from what I'm researching for my frame is still considered pretty average. But, what if I can't? I worry about that, too.
I remember sobbing when I was 7 or 8 because one stupid kid would call me fat and I would just fixate on it and it was all I heard. My Mom tried over and over again to tell me I wasn't, that I was a strong little swimmer, that I was tall...when I was in high school, my friends said the same as I started the calorie counting ridiculousness. For some reason, I just can't shake what my doctor said, even though all the voices of reason out there are knocking me over the head with the obvious. And when I'm counting these damn calories I just can't stop being worried to put anything in my mouth that's not spinach, fat-free yogurt, carrot sticks, or a plain piece of chicken.
I can't do that for 3 more months. Not only will I drive myself insane, but it's not healthy. So I don't think I'm going to.
I think what I need to do is block OUT the one voice that doesn't make sense, and focus on all the other ones that do.
And focus on mine, too.
And stop crying, too. These hormones are freakin' out of control. Maybe this is a girl in here...I've sworn it was a boy all along until this past week. :)