Friday, June 29, 2007

Okay, so I was JUST finally making peace with things and getting used to things...even a little excited, less scared and worried and upset.

And then I went to the Doc's today. I did my normal "don't look at the scale" thing, because it just messes with me, and I told her to just tell me if there's a problem.

There's a problem. She says I'm gaining too much weight. And now I can't stop crying and no one is home that I can talk to. I am angry, I am upset, I am trying really, REALLY hard to block out the 20+ years of body and eating issues that I've had, and now I feel like just when I was starting to get comfortable standing on this rug it just got pulled out from under me.

She talked to me about calories in and exercise, and it was all I could do not to start screaming and kicking the wall. I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. I SWEAR that all I am eating are small portioned whole grains with lots of fruits and vegetables. Ice cream makes me sick so I only have it maybe once a week, and I never finish it...I have fruit popsicles when I am craving something sweet. I eat nothing fried. I work out at least 4-5 times a week--swimming, walking, elliptical, and yoga.

I just don't understand, and it makes me mad and very sad. And then I feel overwhelmingly guilty for feeling mad and sad, because I guess I shouldn't feel bad since it's just me and not the baby. But this is hard. I don't like it at all. I have to now write down everything I eat and measure portions, just like I did before on Weight Watchers. Like before, when I was fat.

I don't like this. I want to be done. I want everything to work out in the end fine more anything but so far I have not really enjoyed this process one bit--I was almost there and now I feel like I've just taken one step forward and lept about 2oo yards back.


Runner Susan said...

I gained 112 pounds during my pregnancy. I doubled my body weight. The doctor even called in a nutritionist to councel me on eating. I already knew how to eat and that made me mad - and I didn't eat as bad as I knew she thought I was - and still I gained so much weight.

I don't know where I"m going with this, except to say that I was back down to my original weight in 8 months - and it basically fell off. I was 27 then and I didn't really do anything different after Kenza was born.

I wish I could say the same thing now that I'm close to 40, but it doesn't work that way now.

Hang in there girl, I totally know how you feel.

Julie B said...

I can feel your pain. All over again. I gained 65 pounds with Tyler and 55 pounds with Troy. I went to the Dr. in my 4th month and she told me I shouldn't have gained 16 months that month. Well, excuse me. She told me I'd have saddlebags. Well, yeah, duh. Both boys were healthy..yes, big, Tyler was 10.13 and Troy was 9.15 and I began to run and then lost the fat. Hang in there. You are OK. Don't feel guilty; it won't do you any good. Just be healthy. Keep on eating the way you are eating. You aren't eating junk; you are eating in a healthy manner and you are exercising. That's what matters. I'm sorry she was so hard on you. It hurts. I know.

Rae said...

That's just ridiculous. Some people just gain more than others, and you are probably the healthiest pregnant person out there. I know tons of people who have gained 80-90 pounds and lost it right away.