Okay, so I was JUST finally making peace with things and getting used to things...even a little excited, less scared and worried and upset.
And then I went to the Doc's today. I did my normal "don't look at the scale" thing, because it just messes with me, and I told her to just tell me if there's a problem.
There's a problem. She says I'm gaining too much weight. And now I can't stop crying and no one is home that I can talk to. I am angry, I am upset, I am trying really, REALLY hard to block out the 20+ years of body and eating issues that I've had, and now I feel like just when I was starting to get comfortable standing on this rug it just got pulled out from under me.
She talked to me about calories in and exercise, and it was all I could do not to start screaming and kicking the wall. I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. I SWEAR that all I am eating are small portioned whole grains with lots of fruits and vegetables. Ice cream makes me sick so I only have it maybe once a week, and I never finish it...I have fruit popsicles when I am craving something sweet. I eat nothing fried. I work out at least 4-5 times a week--swimming, walking, elliptical, and yoga.
I just don't understand, and it makes me mad and very sad. And then I feel overwhelmingly guilty for feeling mad and sad, because I guess I shouldn't feel bad since it's just me and not the baby. But this is hard. I don't like it at all. I have to now write down everything I eat and measure portions, just like I did before on Weight Watchers. Like before, when I was fat.
I don't like this. I want to be done. I want everything to work out in the end fine more anything but so far I have not really enjoyed this process one bit--I was almost there and now I feel like I've just taken one step forward and lept about 2oo yards back.