Damn. I knew I should have went to bed earlier. Of course, in Arizona, it's 8:09, and I'm right on time.
Jet-lag really stinks. That student today told me as I was almost falling asleep standing up that it takes 1 day for every hour behind to recover.
I can't afford three days.
I have to get up and swim tomorrow.
I am supposed to do 15 hours this week.
You've never done 15 hours before.
Did I call the sub line for my field trip?
I need to call that one random alterations lady and have her do the 2 bridesmaid dresses I need to get done...oh man, that one wedding's in 2 weeks...
Your interims are due this week.
Yeah, I know.
I have to have that parent meeting tomorrow I've been dreading. They are mildly psycho.
Oh no. Now it's really late.
If you fall asleep in a minute, you can still get 5 hours or so.
That's no good. Then I'll start the week tired-er than I already am. Then the 15 hour week will just get worse.
Did you just say 15 hours? That's a lot.
Wait, May is Monday. That means I have 4 months.
Did you remember to turn the heater on? It's getting cold in here.
Oh crap, it's Sam's birthday this Friday and I have to get her gift in the mail...
Faculty meeting Thursday. Poop.
Why did I get a $30 bill from my doctor? I'm not paying that, that's ridiculous...I'd better call tomorrow...
Wait--May. That means there's 4 months.
OMG. 16 weekends. Is that enough? These last 5 weeks of school are going to be rough. How am I going to get everything in with training?
You forgot to mop the floors today.
Do I have any clean sportsbras?
Oh no. Oh no. *tears welling up*
I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep.
Wait--reality check time... am I sponsored? No. Is this my career? No.
*click* (turns alarm clock to 6:30 instead)
I need to sleep. I'll do my evening workout and life will go on. This used to happen to me all the time. I get myself so worked up about things that I can't sleep and keep myself up all night.
So what's this really about?
Probably some jet-lag still. Probably the wish that I just had ONE more day off to get everything done...so that I didn't feel so buried under life, and could tackle my training with confidence.
Probably the fact that, as I just said in my last post, this is going to hurt. This thing doesn't care how nice I am, or how hard I "tried."
You can do this, though. You need to chill out. Focus.
I know, I know. But my mind is racing right now, and--
Cut it out. Stop crying.
But did you READ IronBenny's report? This thing chews you up and spits you out. And then sometimes it crushes you and farts in your general direction.
Well what the hell did you THINK it was?
I don't know, OK??!! I guess for once in my life I really don't know. I just know that I wanted to click that mouse. I wanted to register. I wanted to do something bigger and scarier than I ever thought I can do. But I hate not being in control of my destiny...that's why I hate flying in airplanes...hate gambling...
But you ARE in control of your destiny here.
I...yeah...I guess I know that.
You need to let some things go. When the PDA reminds you to vacuum, tell it to go to hell every once in a while. The kids can wait more than a day to get their tests back. If they bitch about it, who cares? And you need to focus on your workouts. Everything should be carefully planned and done with a purpose. You've been doing this for 20 weeks now. You're over halfway there. Think about how far you've come.
Yeah, I guess....wow--really? Over halfway there?
Do the math, Descartes. And you need to let it go in one ear and out the other when people make snide comments--not your good friends, but acquaintences and people at work--about how they never see you, how you don't eat lunch there or go to this bar or that bar anymore...
No buts. The ones who know you well know what you're doing. They understand.
They do? But, do they really?
No. They don't really. But they do. They know you need to do this and they understand that much.
OK. OK. OK........