Just What I Needed

I’ve said before how I’m not very good at slowing down, so you can imagine how much fun I have when it’s time to taper. Yeah. SO pleasant to be around! I’m either gasping and saying “is that a weird pain in my ankle?! Maybe it’s plantar fasciitis! Or a torn ligament! Or DYSENTERY!” or I’m lamenting how huge and slow and sluggish I feel.

So when I saw a little 30 minute run on the docket I thought, just 30? Really? Because if Matt had a say in this it would be about 3 hours and 30 minutes.

(The patience that my husband has, especially with me during race week, is UNREAL.)

We had a storm and then the sun came out just in time for a sunset, so I headed out.

I was supposed to do 4 pickups for 45 seconds to half marathon pace (which for me is about 8 or just under) and after a mile or so I got into them.

I had to really hold myself back. I found that my instinct was to go low 7s.

What?

Then, I was convinced the Garmin was lying to me. The battery was low; surely this was NOT TRUE. I was so convinced that I went to MapMyRun.com just to be sure that distance was really what it said it was.

I knew it would be wrong.

Except, it wasn’t.

I ran just 3 short little miles, but at a pace that felt so natural and easy and even slow to me. Like I was out for a leisurely stroll.

And it was 8:30.

8:30.

ME.

Needless to say, this was definitely what I needed to see.

I don’t know what is going to happen on Sunday, but I just sort of have this calm sense that’s been winning out over the freak out sense, that says I’ve done everything I can possibly do, and deep in there, I can do this.

I think this was my body’s way of reminding me that. That I’ve been here before; that I’ve been scared, that I’ve been reaching for something I actually said before I could never do, that I wondered if I could even do it.

And I did it. I fought like hell, but I did it.

I am starting to really believe that if I can just keep my head in my own head and in each moment--each mile--then I have got this.

Wait...now it's my turn?!

My kids were freaking out. ALL week. Freaking out, wondering if they did all they could. Frantically asking questions about the Gilded Age and Marbury v. Madison and the Peggy Eaton Affair and the Tariff of Abominations and the Great Society.

All week I said REPEATEDLY, "You guys will be FINE. You have to TRUST YOURSELVES. You have to believe that you did everything you could and you prepared the best you could, and whatever they ask you just believe that you are ready and go with your gut."

And then they had their test.

And they were fine.

Happy, even! Giggly. And some even told me thanks for getting them so ready.

Ahem. Perhaps I have a thing or two to learn here.

Because now that their test is over? Holy CRAP MINE IS NEXT SUNDAY.

It's here.

And I'm starting to get a little nervous.

Okay, okay. A LOT nervous.

I do sort of have this calmness, though, too. I swing between being nervous and thinking OMG WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO and you know what, self, you are going to be fine.

Every once in a while I'll have this wave of "it'll-be-fine-ness" rush over me, too. I think about what it will be like to cross that finish line, no matter what happens. I know I'm the leanest and fittest I've been in quite some time. I remember that I am running stronger now than I ever have, and now's as good of a time than ever to go for this crazy goal. The worst that could happen, in the scheme of things, isn't the worst thing ever.

Sometimes I just have this feeling like I'm going to do it.

And then I swing to ACK! again.

I have a feeling this is how it's kinda going to be for the next few days.

Strong winds

Whew. I think I need a spring break from my spring break!

Things have not slowed down here--if anything, the pace got quicker, which will hopefully make up for my mileage slowing down.

So far I am feeling pretty good. It does feel weird to NOT have tons of miles on the docket, but I feel like I'm getting settled into what I need to do here, which is lots of stretching and focusing on nutrition. This is compounded by the fact that Reese's peanut butter eggs are now on clearance.

CLEARANCE, people. 75% OFF. You just can't walk by that and NOT drop a few in your basket.

(Good thing I have Matt around to help me out with that.)

This week had some flooding, a pretty long power outage (always fun with two little ones), and we also lost Matt's grandpa. He had a wonderful life and left a very close-knit, wonderful family as his legacy. He always welcomed me as one of his own and also got a kick out of my maiden name as my relation to a famous horse jockey is not something that everyone picks up on. It's kind of something only a few people really get, and usually from that generation. He used to call me Matt's "jockey girl," despite the fact that I have never once rode on horseback.

Because of these events, I've had to cut a few more minutes off some of my runs. But they've all felt great and I'm reminded what a fabulous stress relief endorphins can be.

This weekend I'll do a nice run with Ana and start to wind things down. Tuesday I ran 5 miles and it was sunny, but very windy. The pace felt comfortable despite the fact that it was faster than usual, and that was a good ego boost after the 20 miler I finished last weekend. The wind was strong, especially at the end, so I tried to pretend it was mile 25 and I was only going to make it by 10 seconds...which made the last mile the fastest of the five.

Two weeks from Sunday it's go time.

That was hard.

All of it. This week.

Was hard.

Really, really hard.

I don't know what to say without sounding like I'm whining. I hate whining. So I'm just going to say what I'm thinking in the hopes that it's not coming out like whining, but is coming out factual.

I got my butt handed to me this week.

Last weekend's long run (which was 6 days ago, actually) took a lot out of me. This week was rough at school, so even my rest days were not really rest days. I don't think I really got to recover enough, but such is life. The show must go on. I focused on good nutrition and attempted to get some sleep, despite having two sick little ones early in the week.

The routine was off, and I let it get to me.

I focused on negative energy that was hitting me this week, and I did not have my head in the right place. Not Tuesday, not Wednesday during my Yassos that left me in an exhausted heap on the floor after they were over, and certainly not today.

I had to do my 20 miler alone for a myriad of reasons. Mostly because it needed to be a) early b) near my house and c) Ana was gone.

It was supposed to look like this:

5 miles warmup

5 miles MRP

2 miles @9:00

6 miles @MRP

2 miles cooldown

It looked like this:

5 miles warmup cursing my Garmin for losing satellites and leaving me hanging

5 miles MRP where I needed to stop 2 times and lose my marbles

2 miles: one at 9, one at MUCH slower

1 mile trying to get to MRP and not coming close

7 miles very, very slowly and with many stops--2 to refill bottles (I drank 60 ounces in this run!) and one to sit on some guy's rock in his front yard and put my head in my hands

Total miles: 20

Average pace: 9:00/mile

Pathetic stops and self-doubt: much

I need to do a few things:

1. Eat a bigger breakfast. Clearly my one-packet of instant oatmeal is NOT cutting it at all.

2. Try to recover more. Sleep is a huge issue for me, and it was even more so with my kids being sick Sunday-Tuesday and with school dumping quite a load of stress on me this week. Simply put: I did not sleep much this week, and it killed me.

3. I need to surround myself with positive ideas and not negative.

Looking back at the plan, I did some solid cross-training on top of 37.1 miles ran with my overall average for those miles at 8:49. That is huge for me. I hate to say this was NOT a good week. That is a huge week for me and the fact that I'm able to do that is a huge improvement.

I think this solo run was good for me. It was good to be alone, to bonk alone, to feel how bad that sucked alone, so that I don't have to feel that again. I learned quite a bit about what I need to do here the next 3 weeks. And most of that work needs to be done in this big thing on top of my shoulders.

I am done with this week. I am ready for a week to recover mentally more than anything here--to actually, finally rest. I'm off school until May 2nd and I am hoping this will do wonders for my sleep and stress levels. Of course, when I get back the AP test is that Friday, but I feel like I needed to get those kids to the Election of 2000 before break and I did. It was crazy fast and stressful, but I did. The rest is up to them now. I told them they weren't going to go from a score of 1 to a score of 5 in the four days when we get back. There's no cramming for this test; either you have done the work all year like you were supposed to, or you didn't. End of story.

The same is true for me. I know I have done everything I possibly could. The hard work has been put in the bank. Now I need to really focus on fixing my mistakes from this week, believing in myself, and moving forward.

Another one in the books

...but, not gonna lie, this one hurt a lot. I definitely had to earn this one.

18 miles (actually 18.15 if you count what it took me to get to Ana's house)

Average pace 8:54/mile

9 miles at an 8:22 pace

Very happy with the way this ended up, but man, did I struggle in the middle. I started the race pace stuff and was all, "hey! this is way easier than 2 weeks ago! i'm awesome!" which was quickly replaced by "DAMN this wind sucks and holy crap how am I going to do this until my Garmin says 14?!"

I had a slight meltdown at the 7th mile of the push, when a side stitch that had been driving me CRAZY finally got the best of me. I stopped, got a little hint of what might be considered tears, got ahold of myself, listened to Ana talk some sense into me, and gave myself a nice glass of HTFU. Then I got the last two done and did 4 more at a VERY easy pace to cooldown.

I do kind of wonder how the sam hill I'm going to hold that pace for longer. But I'm trying to remember that this is what taper is for; that I won't be doing Yasso 800s 2 days before the marathon, that the AP test will be over and maybe for the love of all things holy I'll be able then to get more than 5 hours of consecutive sleep. (Since I will have that lifted off my shoulders--I swear I'm more nervous for this test than the kids).

Came home, showered, took a very painful ice bath where I yelped for 15 minutes, threw on some compression, and then did the grocery shopping/bike around the block-ing/swingsetting all afternoon. Man, am I toast. I think I'll be hitting the hay as soon as my kids do.

One more big week here. I need to stay focused and not let the "how the HELL am I going to do this for 26.2 miles" get the best of me. I've thought that before about my race pace and it happened, so I need to really just believe that I can do it again and trust all these miles I've put in.

Home stretch. Less than a month.

I can do this.

Burp Yasso

Last night I had a slight freak-out, which was prompted by an ice-cream sundae.

See, I have had a pretty nutso few weeks at work here with the AP test coming up the WEEK AFTER our Spring Break (awesome timing there. Yeah.) and frantically making a mad dash through the 1960s and 70s to hopefully get to the Election of 2000 and September 11, 2001. Considering we were just on WWII, you can imagine the pace we're flying at. It's seriously insane.

Then, a piece of one of my brown dress shoes broke off yesterday during class and I realized I do not have the time necessary right now to buy new ones. That will have to wait until I get at least an hour where I can go by myself to do a little shopping and also to replace the pilled-up, worn out clothes that have taken such a beating that I am still wearing. What Not To Wear would have a field day with me.

Then, last night after Matt returned a pair of Bug's too-big-soccer shoes to Dick's, he came home with my favorite Mitchell's sundae. It was very sweet. Except it was 9:30pm. And I was just about getting ready for bed. And I had one of the hardest workouts I'd ever attempted at 0500 the next morning.

But I felt bad. He knows I love ice cream. So I took a few bites. Just a few.

And then I started to lose my freakin' mind. I literally started hyperventilating and crying over a FEW BITES OF ICE CREAM. I couldn't believe I had eaten it. What, was I TRYING to make myself hurl the next morning? Really?! How could I have been so stupid?! The crying made me burp hot fudge burps, which in turn made me freak out even more.

Poor Matt just said he was sorry.

I knew this was my own fault and tried to relax. I think it was just the looming Yassos hanging over my head. I had to do them alone since Ana was stuck all week and the only time that would work for me would be to do them right after school or at 5am. I was hoping to convince Ana to meet me at the track at 5am, but she just couldn't. I checked with our track and lacrosse teams and sure enough, the track was all booked up until at least 8pm.

Ugh.

I didn't feel comfortable up at the track by myself at 5am since it's still dark until about 6:10 or so. So treadmill it was going to have to be. This also was messing with me because I felt like it wasn't "counting" if I didn't do these on a track. So I set the incline at 1% and vowed to really focus and make these count.

The plan was for "7 or 8." Well, when there's a higher number there then I feel like to take the smaller number is sorta selling out. So I went for the 8.

And lo and behold, a few bites of ice cream didn't completely do me in. All that wasted energy worrying, as usual, got me no where. In fact, I felt the strongest on these 8 at a 7:19 pace than I ever have. Ever. Even though these had a significant amount of recovery in between them, I still did 4 miles out of 8.75 at a 7:19 pace, which is good for the soul. And, worth mentioning, way faster than my current 5K PR pace.

(Perhaps this summer it's time to get a new 5K PR?)

I'm feeling better about the run this weekend. If I can get through this workout today and feel as good as I did, then I know I can get through this 18 with 9 at race pace. It's going to be tough, of course, but I feel like my body is kind of saying, "See? I told you so."

I just need to listen to it a bit more.

And perhaps to lay off the ice cream.

I am extremely snotty

I am fully aware that I am one snotty girl.

I mean, I have waxed poetic before about how entirely snotty I am.

It's really a problem. If you are around me long enough, you might be hit by my snottiness. Literally.

So today I could tell on my run that spring had officially arrived and I once again turn into a very snotty chick. It's very attractive. I'm getting pretty good at the ol' farmer's blow. Just watch out if you're behind me.

You know what? I just wasn't that into my run today. It was great to be out there in SHORTS! SHORTS! today, and Ana and I had some good conversation as usual, but we decided we were just kind of over it. Good thing it was a nice and easy long run before I throw in some more race pace stuff.

Speaking of which, I just saw next Sunday's run already. Gulp.

5 miles comfortable pace, 9 miles goal marathon pace, 4 miles comfortable pace.

I do believe she is trying to kill me.

So I have a full 7 days to wrap my head around that and get psyched up for it. Not psyched out. Which, I'm not gonna lie, is how I felt about five minutes ago when I looked at it.

If this was easy, everyone would be doing it. I signed up for this. Time to go hard or go home. These next two weeks are pretty damn important.

And another good history-related quote comes to mind:

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark."
— Michelangelo Buonarroti

I need to remember that I had the option to take the safe route, and I have made the conscious decision to ignore that.

And today, another milestone

My fastest 16 mile run ever.

Including 6 in the middle, and all but one between 8:14-8:16.

Very tough, but very solid. My hammy is barking at me, so I'm stretching like Gumby.

I'd have to say this was a nice little comeback week of training. Three more hard ones before taper.

Bring it.

Dreading and Owning

So I had this workout on the schedule...I saw it Sunday and kinda went, gulp.

That's gonna be hard.

I thought about it often this week. I kept thinking how it was going to be hard, and how I was going to really need to dig deep and focus.

Coach Emily wants me to do some Yasso 800s. It's an aggressive pace for me to hold for an 800, but then again, I'm going for an aggressive pace for me for 26.2 miles. So what I needed to do was hit a track.

Except we got a SNOWSTORM yesterday. A FREAKING SNOWSTORM.

Arg.

So track at 5:15am + snowstorm would not be a good idea. I opted for the treadmill...better than nothing.

This was my first attempt, so I was to do 5. I was supposed to start these before I got sick, so I'm definitely late to the game. But what's done is done--I have to look forward now. Coach gave me permission to do the first 2 at 8.1 mph and hold the last 3 at my required pace of 8.2 mph.

I know the tready is easier than the road, so I do know I need to get outside soon for these. But in the meantime, I decided to face the dread head-on. I loaded up the iPod with lots of new tunes and made a playlist entitled "ALL IN." I knew it would be handy while I was running staring at the wall the next morning.

I started to get pumped.

The alarm went off and I was ready. Bring it. I knew it would be a good run. I started and my warmup pace felt easier than it did on Tuesday...progress, noted.

Then I busted these things out.

The first 2 I did do at 8.1mph, and it was tough but doable. I did the next 2 at 8.2. Difficult. Done.

The last one I did at 8.3 since I felt guilty for being on a treadmill for these. It was very tough. But I put the Eminem on and really focused, and got it done.

So there's 5 Yassos. I need to work up to a few more, but it's a good start.

I was so pumped when I was done after the full 7+ miles that I did some upper body work, did one extra chin-up (yay!) but still workin' on those pull-ups...and even had time for breakfast, coffee, and a much-needed shower before work.

All day I've been in a good mood. I am feeling good. That workout made me feel good.

I'm starting to really believe.

BOO-yah.

12 miles, 9:04 pace, outside with Ana, felt GREAT!

THAT was good for the head.

Next week I'll be ramping back up to 16. Bring. IT.

Gonna go hydrate myself somethin' stupid now!

Seven Weeks

So I know it's been quiet over here.

Part of that is it's the end of the 3rd quarter. In fact, I have a pile of AP essays sitting next to me now begging to be graded. Sigh.

But part of that is that I just haven't quite known what to say.

I got ANOTHER infection last weekend. The doctor thinks it was a secondary sinus infection. Basically, I felt like butt. Headache that literally had me laying around like a slug (which works very well with two toddlers--my house looked like a tornado had come through) and begging for mercy with the most disgusting matter ever coming out of my nose. After a 5 mile treadmill run that literally almost had me in tears because how on earth was I ever going to run this pace again?, I cried uncle and called the doctor. She put me on antibiotics. I've taken it relatively easy over here--a MUCH better 5 mile run yesterday morning that even had me feeling like Rocky and busting out some pushups afterwards, but when it comes down to it....

I am still not 100%.

It's been over 2 weeks. Two very, very important weeks of training in a very, very important part of my marathon training plan.

To say I've been panicking is the understatement of the century.

Yesterday I lost it. I came home from work and was already bawling. Matt had no clue what to do with me. I just kept thinking how things were going so well, and this was my one chance...one chance before the times dropped down to what is darn near impossible for me, given my daily life responsibilities.

I felt like I was watching it slip away.

Emergency email into Coach Emily (who, by the way, kicked some serious ass at IM San Juan 70.3...she's pretty awesome like that). Basically saying something to the effects of:

Am I out of time?

Out of miles?

Do I give up? Do I drop to the half or do I readjust my goals and accept that this isn't in the cards?

She gave me a nice and much needed ass-kicking to the head. Here are some of the points raised:

1. There are 7 weeks left. There is still time to ramp up my miles. Not much, but enough.

2. What's the worst that can happen here? I blow up? So let's say I blow up. The sun will still come up on May 16th. The earth will continue to rotate on its axis. Life will go on.

3. She directed me to this article. Specifically, the part about Kara Goucher at the end. Is awesome. "I either need to be all in, or this isn't going to happen....my key word now is free...free of limits of myself, free not to do anything but run as hard as I can..."

I'm coming to terms with the reminder that this is, in fact, a MARATHON. There are NEVER any guarantees in a marathon. There is ALWAYS the chance you will blow up. There was before, and there still is now. These two weeks have not changed that entirely.

This has never, ever been easy for me. I am not the best athlete. I never have been. But what I do have going for me is a borderline irrational level of determination. I know that if I lined up on May 15th wearing a half marathon bib or standing by the 3:50 pace group, regardless of what happened at the finish line, I wouldn't sleep well that night. I would wonder. I would feel that I haven't given it my all.

That I wasn't all in.

The next seven weeks will be a true test of how far my heart can get me. I am going to have to work harder now than I was going to before. (And that was going to be pretty damn hard to begin with.) I am going to focus on just doing what I can do--letting these two weeks go, and focusing on the future.

And now I'm about to get all history on yo' asses. ;)

One of my favorite quotes that I always give my AP kids every year before they take their test--in a note I write to them with smarties stapled to it--is the one I had in my bento box the day I did Ironman almost five years ago. I think I need a refresher.

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --Teddy Roosevelt

No one ever said this would be easy. Especially for me.

It's about damn time I freed myself from my own limits.

Treadmill fun, OR, why I'm a 5K Underachiever, OR, am I crazy?

So I had a long run this weekend. And it didn't go very well. Which is the first time in a long time I've had a bad run, so I guess this is to be expected from time to time, no? I can already tell you some factors leading up to this:

1. I was stressed to the max with interims due and getting ready for Bean's birthday party
2. This means NOT sleeping well (again--shocker, right?)
3. I had some good, but very challenging runs last week, including quite a bit of mileage under 8 minute pace (which for me is fast)
4. I only had time for 100 calories of food before my run

All of that + super crazy wind + 20 minutes at marathon pace = BONK BONK BONK CITY the last 2 miles or so.

Despite that, managed to finish almost 12 miles with an average pace of 9:01. I'm trying to remember that this is still quite an accomplishment for me. The wheels came off of my legs, but my average HR on these runs is starting to drop a bit. That's a good thing. And if it wasn't for my dumb mistakes and lack of sleep, I think I would have nailed it.

I do, however, kinda miss feeling like a triathlete. I haven't been able to swim since January. Sad face. Matt played soccer last night in an open league against some kids that are in high school and play every day, and lamented upon how much better they are than him since he plays maybe once a week. (Despite this, the dude has serious game. I've seen him play--don't let him fool you.) But he was bummed because he knows what he COULD be if he could play 5 days a week.

Boy do I know that feeling. I remember what it was like to swim 5 days a week, and what I used to be able to do. But I know that I should still be glad I can swim 2 times a week or so during tri season and manage to pull off what I do in races. I know, I know. It's just...what if, right?

So I miss feeling like a triathlete. I killed my trainer workout yesterday and it made me really want to ride outside. I know at heart I am definitely a triathlete, but right now I am still enjoying this marathon training and the focus it's giving me in my limited time to train. The fact of the matter is, you can't do everything. And right now I can't get to the pool. And that's okay. It'll be there for me when I'm ready and able to jump back in again. I'm coming to terms with this. The swimmer in me is frustrated, but trying to accept this reality.

Today's treadmill fun from Coach Emily included some ARE YOU KIDDING ME moments, but I am happy to say I nailed it, too. And felt FABULOUS. This was a good mental boost after Saturday's bonk.

Here's the lowdown: those of you covered under a sheet of ice, give it a try! Just adjust the paces to fit your goals!

20 minute Warm Up to Zone 2 (I hold this around 9:13 or so)
6 X (:45 at 9 mph, 1 minute easy)
5 minutes easy
20 minutes as (5 minutes marathon pace, 5 minutes half marathon pace--2 X)
Cooldown -- 5 minutes or so

Total run: 1 hour
(I went 1:00.24 to make it an even 7 miles, because I'm anal like that.)

So first of all: 9mph is 6:40/mile! Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAA? I didn't realize that until I was actually doing it and almost falling off the tready. Because I'm no ESpeed, kids. That ain't my easy pace! I thought my treadmill was going to laugh at me. But I held on for dear life. I made the 1 minutes easy VERY easy so I could recover. Like 10:00/mile easy. Whew.

Then I did 5 minutes back at Zone 2. No big whoop.

Now the interesting part. I had to ask Coach E what a realistic half marathon pace was for me. I mean, obviously I know my full pace goal is 8:24. But what can I do for a half? I dunno. I want to go low 1:40s but wasn't sure if that was realistic. She assured me that both a "1:42 at 7:47 and 1:44 at 7:56 are totally doable." Well, if they are both doable, then I want the faster one. So that's what I held for those two 5-minute pushes.

Then I got to thinking a little--and this is what makes me go GULP--that I am pretty sure I've never held anything better than 7:42 or so for a 5K. But I never race 5Ks. I hate 5Ks, actually. Does this mean I'm just a 5K underachiever and my 5K PR should be much better than it is?

I sure hope so.

Because I'm going to go for that 1:42 or blow up spectacularly trying. It feels hard, but good. Of course, we'll see how that goes after an hour or so, right?

Regardless, it was another solid run this morning and some good money in the bank.

And now, off to my regularly scheduled life and responsibilities. :)

Five Minutes

I had what my 7th grade math teacher called a "Tornado Day" yesterday. Just one of those, whatever-could-go-wrong-will, Murphy's Law kinda days. It was already kind of an annoying day where I was slightly frazzled and annoyed. And then I got a text from a good buddy, Running Coach Kara, saying this:

"u need to run 3:35 this year for Boston"

What?!

What the...

I checked my email and she had forwarded us the link to the BAA's announcement yesterday about the new qualification times for 2012. And I totally get why they are doing it. I heard how fast it sold out this year, and I get it.

But this year. IT HAD TO BE THIS YEAR, DIDN'T IT?

$%&$%^^&@(&^#!)^%@@!

So then I was PISSED. Like really really pissed. I drove home with what I'm sure was a ridiculous scowl on my face.

FREAKINGFIVEMINUTES

To which my husband replied, "It's just five minutes."

Spoken like a guy who's never ran a marathon before, right?

So I thought long and hard about it. I slept on it. I lack of slept on it. I got up around 3:58 to pee and couldn't fall back asleep because I was thinking about it. And I realized something.

When on earth have I ever been afraid of five minutes?

I had a long conversation with myself.

And I made a decision.

I refuse to fear five minutes.

And I later confirmed that these five minutes won't affect me in May--all it really does is ensure that 3:40 will be my time until I'm 40. Not until next year, or even this fall, like originally thought.

3:40 it is.

3:40, I'm out for you.

I don't need no stinkin' five minutes. In fact, I would like to state something for the record. In the words of one of the greatest fake Indians players ever, "I say, eff you, five minutes. I DO IT MYSELF."

Year in Review and 2011: Back to the ROOTS.

Looking back, I had a tremendous year filled with more joy than I could have imagined. During this past year, I watched my mother-in-law smack stage 4 cancer upside the head, brought Emery into the world, and watched Jackson become a big brother. It really doesn't get any better than that.

In racing news, I got to cheer on runners at the Cleveland Marathon at Mile 10 with my homey, TriEric. We dressed up like Bert and Ernie, danced like fools, and caused lots of shenanigans. It was pretty much awesome. I knew I wasn't ready to race the half, and figured I'd give back to the runners and help make the race memorable. Little did I know I'd laugh so hard my cheeks would hurt by the time I was done! And by cheeks, I mean both sets--front and back. Booty shakin' and fist pumping in an Ernie suit ain't easy, folks.

IMMEDIATELY go to Eric's blog and read his year report--you will find a video of us dancing like fools. When else will you be able to see Bert do the robot and Ernie do a sweet Michael Jackson dance?

I headed out to WIBA with all my teammies and other assorted awesome tri-peeps and rode the hills of Wisconsin yet again. And each time I do, it always leaves me with one thought: how the FREAK SHOW did I ever do this Ironman? And it always serves as another little reminder that our will is much stronger than we think. And so are our bodies.

Which reminds me of quite possibly my proudest accomplishment in my about-to-be-ten year triathlon "career." The day I went ahead and did something even I thought was nuts (and that's saying a lot). Even I thought I was in way over my head (again, considering the source, that's quite impressive). And that was to race a half-ironman distance triathlon 6 months after giving birth to Emery. The craziest thing is that I raced it pretty well. I knocked off 16 minutes from my previous best time and, best of all, got to share it with my team again and my amazingly supportive family.

So, this season is my 10th. And I swore I would not do a half-ironman distance race this year, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that now I kinda wonder what I could do, since I'm about 15 pounds down from Rev3 and feel like 5:44 isn't even close to what I'm truly capable of. Who saw that coming? Show of hands?

But NO. I said NO long course this year, and I am sticking to that. In honor of my 10th season of triathlons, I'm going to go back to my roots. That being the oddest combination ever: marathons and sprints/olympic distance triathlons. I know. Since when is marathon training considered a break in your workout load? But the fact of the matter is that for me, marathon training is definitely harder on your body, but not as many net hours as long course triathlon training.

And that, my friends, is how Ironman warps your mind.

My first triathlon back in '01 was what started everything. I did that sprint, on a borrowed bike and completely clueless, and then immediately signed up for the Cleveland Marathon. (?!) Not because I was a strong runner, but because that's what triathlon does to you. It starts to make you think you can do just about anything.

So this year, here's how it will all play out according to my master plan. I'm aiming high here. VERY high. Go hard or go home is the theme of 2011. It's time to get back to my roots.

St. Malachi 5 Miler: No date yet, but it's mid-March. Goal here is to go hard and hurt at the end. If I finish and almost hurl, it's been a good race.

Spring Classic Half Marathon: No date on this yet, but it'll be mid-April. My goal is to go as close to 1:40 as I can. That will also hurt. Bring it.

Hermes Cleveland Ten Miler: No date on this, but it'll be a week or two after the Spring Classic. This I'll probably use as pacing practice for the marathon.

Cleveland Marathon: May 15, 2011. Boston or Bust. That is a 3:40 for me.

Lifetime Fitness Triathlon: July 9, Minneapolis, Minnesota. Two goals for this one: have a blast with my teammates, and hammer this as hard as I can. I don't believe I've gone under 2:40 for an olympic distance, so definitely under that. My pie-in-the-sky goal is 2:30.

I also earned two FREE races through a great local race company, NCN. One was because I got injured and couldn't race last year, and the other was because I volunteered which earns me a free race entry! So I'll be cashing those in: possibly at the Huntington Sprint triathlon and the Lorain Olympic.

I also plan on working with my EvoKids again this summer and am working on some ways to make my program even better.

Dances With Dirt: September 24, Hell, Michigan. Words cannot express how FREAKING EXCITED I AM to do this race with some super awesome ladies! I am so pumped that a spot on their team opened up and I can join in this crazy fun relay trail race!

(I'm leaving the possibility open for a fall marathon, but I don't want to need it.)

I'm not sure much can top this past year. But I'm going to try. As you can see, I have big, crazy dreams for 2011. Here's to making my 10th year in this sport the best yet.

Happy New Year, everyone!

No Rain

This morning, I couldn't sleep--the rain woke me up, so I decided just to roll with it. It was too late for me to do a trainer workout, so I hopped on the 'mill for a few early miles. I did a few pickups in there, and it felt good to get the legs moving fast again. I'm excited to get these legs moving fast. Often.

Got everyone somewhat dressed (Jackson was still in his PJs, but had brushed his teeth and eaten breakfast, so I'm calling that a victory nonetheless) and fed and out the door by 7:05am, which is always quite the challenge. With the rain, I didn't even try to straighten my hair...no sense wasting THAT time. Time is precious to me right now, and it's been quite an insane past month...all good things, but still a little stressful at times. It will settle down in a few more weeks, but for now I need to work out early and plan on working while I eat lunch and trying to stay as focused and organized as possible.

The kids were all pretty subdued today, as they usually are when it rains like this. All day long. A steady, steady rain...not a downpour, but definitely the kind that you know isn't a passing shower. They complained and said how rotten the weather was. Some were a little sleepy, but can you blame them? 54 and rainy just makes you want to put on your PJ pants and have a nice bowl of soup.

(Or, in my case, attempt 140.6 miles.)

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain

I drove home and let the iPod do its magic. It must have sensed my frazzled state of mind, and it didn't disappoint with a nice mellow selection. And I noticed the temperature on my dashboard--54 degrees.

54 degrees on a September afternoon. No matter when it occurs, I always pause just a bit when it's 54 degrees and rainy. Because no matter what, I am instantly transported back to that September day. The one that was 54 and rainy. All day.

I just want some one to say to me , oh oh oh oh,
I'll always be there when you wake
you know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made


This song came on next--the song that I would have as Track 1 on the soundtrack to my senior year of high school. I smiled a bit, alone in my car. No rain. Rain all day. Water seems to follow me wherever I go, and it's always sort of been like that.

but it's a great escape...escape....escape

It's been four years since I had my Iron summer. I think everyone finds something unique in Ironman, and for me it was the realization that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I've carried that with me since, and it's helped me through some difficult things. I trust that it will help me achieve my goal in May, but if I don't, I know that the lessons I learned on that cold, rainy, September day will help me dust off, lace up, and do it all over again.

That day was far from perfect, and it was far from what I hoped to accomplish on paper. But that day was still magical nonetheless. And every time there's a day that's 54 and rainy--not the scattered shower rain, but the kind that followed me on the hills in Verona, on the streets in Madison...that collected on my garbage bag as I took step after step and slowly moved toward the finish line--I am reminded.

I am reminded of what is inside of me, and to some extent, what's inside of all of us.

See? I told you so.

This baby will totally be late. Like me.

Still nothing....3 more days until the "official" due date, but I'm calling it now: LATE, my friends. Don't hold your breath. This is a product of Matt and I, and I should know.

Anyway, I gave up trying to sleep around 4:17am this morning and picked up the book I started last night: The Help. It is really, REALLY good. And I have this thing about books--I read RIDICULOUSLY fast (like, to the point where no one believes I'm really reading it) and I can't put things down until I know how they end. Which is a problem if it's long. I read Sarah's Key in 3 hours and 10 minutes. STRAIGHT. I had to. Now, I started The Help last night around 8:30 and currently, after this morning's 2 hours, I am on page 248. I swear I am actually reading it. Around 7:30, I gave up, and went to Panera to get bagels. Here it is, 8:32am, and Matt and Bug are still sleeping.

Last night, perhaps because I am the size of a walrus, I found myself thinking about how I'm going to get my body back. I'm definitely a little worried about 2 kids, as I've stated before. And people who love to tell me how "hard it will be" are starting to drive me nuts. (Thanks, by the way, to people out there kickin' it with 2 and taking names. You guys rock.) I know it will be a definite adjustment, but I've never backed down from a challenge before and I'm not about to start now.

So, as I've also stated before, my goal will be to qualify for Boston. It's going to take me a bit to get there, as I am hoping to avoid all anxiety issues that I had with Bug. That was rough. But that was different, because I had to work for 4 months instead of 4 weeks before summer break. And it was my first year of AP US History; not my third. I'm in a much better spot now professionally...not to mention, the timing is just plain better. Ever wonder why so many teacher's kids are born in late winter or early spring? ;)

Here's a few things I need to work on after this watermelon decides to make its grand appearance from my ridiculously stretched abdomen:

It will be very hard for me to get to Boston: a combination of skill, determination, sacrifice, and just a good day. I will need every edge I can get. Here's what I'm working on in my head now:

1. I need to get STRONGER. No more slacking on weight training. It will need to be efficient, but it will need to be OFTEN. Please hold me to this. I'm 32, and I know that's the first thing to "go." Plus, it will keep me from injury--especially as I ramp up mileage in late summer and early fall. There is absolutely no reason why I can't do some kind of strength training 2-3 times a week for 20 minutes.

2. I think dropping an additional 5-6 pounds might help, too. My typical racing weight is around 145-147. I noticed a big difference from when I raced slightly higher than this in 2008 to when I raced right at this in 2009. I'm thinking if I could get to around 140, it might really help shave off the minutes or seconds I need. This won't be too difficult, as it leads me to #3...

3. NUTRITION. I am very healthy and eat healthy, too. However, I love my sweets. I simply cannot pass up chocolate or ice cream. I really need to focus on cutting down on the refined sugars and eating as clean as I can. I definitely notice a change in my energy level when I eat well and skip the sugar. Next season, I need to think when I eat the sweet stuff and really try to remember my ultimate goal. I think by cutting down (notice I didn't say OUT--a girl's gotta have some ice cream or a beer from time to time) these empty calories, and combine that with a little more strength, I can drop a few more pounds. 140ish is about as low as I'd like to go, given my height and body type.

I think everything else is there. Treadmill for early morning workouts? Check. Group to run with on the weekends? Check. Masters swim this summer in the early am to push me in the pool? Check. (Yes...I might try Masters again, despite my disastrous start back in '07....where, I've come to realize, I just met the WRONG guy there who rubbed me the WRONG way BIG TIME. But he won't be at this one, so no one will get hurt.) Trainer for indoor quality workouts? Check. Friends to ride with at the drop of a hat during naptime this summer for longer rides? Well.....you can't get everything you want. But I've got almost everything set up here.

Most importantly: awesome husband who supports me? Check.

Very flexible summer job schedule for both of us? Yep.

Amazing family nearby who helps more than they know? Uh-huh.

So this will be a team effort here. If I am lucky enough to get to Boston, it won't be because I did it alone. That's for sure. There are some things I can do by myself, as listed above. But most of this will be made possible by those around me.

So the goal is...

Rev3 70.3 in September: push myself hard and see how it goes--if I'm in PR shape, than go for it. If 2 has been rougher than I expected, not to beat myself up and just have a great race.

Fall Classic Half Marathon: 1:40.

Cleveland Marathon 2011: 3:40.59 or better.

It's aggressive, but you know what? Sometimes I am, too.

So for now, I'm going to waddle and get myself a banana. Hopefully the next time I'm on here, I'll have some news to share about Baby Bean...wish me luck!

Chasing Boston

Sunday, I went for a run.

It was still a little cold, but not a cloud in the sky. Lake Erie has thawed out, and the blue of the sky met the whitecaps as the wind came off the lake. I love to run on the lake, following the water. It's one of my favorite places to ride, too. Lately most of my training has been alone, and I am really enjoying it that way. It's good to have company once in a while, and I'm lucky to have a few good partners nearby. But sometimes it's best for me to just be alone. Just me, the lake, the sun, and the iPod.

It's been three years now since I trained for the Ironman. Scared out of my wits, I built a whole year of my life around that day. I needed people then--people to help me, to pace me, to wait for me at the top as I blinked back tears and cursed hills on my bike. I was a newbie in every sense of the word. That summer, I met an amazing group of people. We had this thing--this big scary monster called Ironman--and we rallied around each other.

lights go out and I can't be saved
tides that I tried to swim against
brought me down upon my knees
oh I beg, I beg and plead

Sunday when I ran, I remembered that spring. How scared I was. How I didn't know if I had it in me, but I wanted it more than anything.

tiger's waiting to be tamed

Certain songs make me think of Ironman. It came on, and I was reminded. With each step of the pavement, I remembered the fear. The sheer and utter fear that motivated me through that summer.

confusion never stops
closing walls and ticking clocks
gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you know now

As I ran, I remembered all the emotions. This was the song in the highlight video--the free DVD you get the next day. And as my feet hit the pavement scenes flashed in my head to the music. Finding Al's note in my bento box. Holding Tracy's hand as I got in the water. Peeing my neoprene pants for the first time ever. Seeing my knuckles turn blue from the cold. Wearing the trash bag for the marathon. Hearing, "It's bloody cold!" The feeling I got when I knew I would make it.

oh nothing else compares
oh nothing else compares

What I know now, three years later, is that I left that fear on those Madison streets forever. Ironman allowed me to let go of my fear, of every second I doubted anything. Part of me is the same girl I was three years ago, but part of me has been changed forever. It's a moment I remember much as I did in a high school stadium wearing a white gown one June evening 14 years ago, at an airport on the down escalator one late summer day in 2001, an August afternoon in 2004, or a sunny October day almost 18 months ago.

I'm at peace swimming, cycling, and running alone now. Now what motivates me is seeing how far I can go--but this time, not out of fear. I know now without any doubt that I can do anything I dedicate myself to, even if I fall down a few times. I enjoy the lonely road, and don't really miss the races at all. A few here and there are just perfect for me. I'm at home on Lake Road, chasing the water and the shadow girl, knowing that my little man, big man, and furry four-legged man are at home waiting for me.

home, home, where I wanted to go
home, home, where I wanted to go

I'm about to end this "season" I've trained for. It's my August now. It's go time. And when I come back, I'm going to chase Boston. And it will take me a while (most likely a few years), and probably a few fantastic falls along the way. But I know without a doubt in my mind I'll catch it.

Because with just me, the road, the lake, and the boys...really, that's all I need.