I'm finally sitting. down. for once in the past two weeks or so.
Ever remember drinking a little too much brew and then you lay in bed and try to sleep and things just keep spinning spinning spinning and you really are just FREAKIN' TIRED and want to sleep but the spinning is keeping you up?
Yeah, it's been kinda like that.
It's been 14 months now since my definition of love changed.
I'm a work in progress, just like him. Most days--for at least five minutes or so--I feel like there's just not enough of me to go around. Some days, for longer. But eventually I forget about it and keep grading or chasing the Bug or putting away the laundry that was done last Tuesday. At least once a day, I wonder if I'm capable enough of handling all this. I don't think we ever really know if we are.
But, from what I've seen lately, we can usually handle much more than we think we can.
This has been reflected in my racing all year, and despite the whirlwind of life swirling around me at a dizzying pace, I'm finding that training and racing is my little corner of zen. I've happily converted to an O'Dark Thirty workout person, and I literally jump out of bed. It's so bizarre. Those who know me well know I have NEVER been a "jump out of bed" person. But the morning is mine--no one needs me but me. No one's asking me questions about the Fugitive Slave Law or the Third Estate or an IEP...no one needs me to change a diaper...no one needs me to do anything. But me. And I can't wait to do what I need to do, as well as I can, so I can rush off to doing as much as I possibly can to help others all day.
That dark, quiet, sweaty, alone time in the morning grounds me for the rest of the day.
I think of my girls this summer as they did their first triathlon and realized that there was so much more within them than they ever knew, and it inspires me. I dream and plan of ways to share that with more kids this summer.
I'm looking forward to New Orleans because I just can't wait to enjoy the day and, for that matter, the weekend with my team and my friends. Do I wonder how I'm going to get the training in? In short, HOLY CRAP YES. Much in the same overwhelming way I wonder how I'm going to grade those DBQs, finish those accomodated tests, and still have enough energy for Bug. But I'm learning that worrying is overrated. What's been proven to me in the past 14 months is that I can handle a lot more than I ever thought I could. There are still hard days, no doubt. But I'm getting better at asking for help when I need it.
This past week I celebrated all I have to be thankful for. And this year--for the first time, really--I was thankful for finally understanding, recognizing, and acknowledging this new-found inner strength that has been within me all along.