Thursday, January 17, 2008

I was trying really hard to keep everything here training only, but life is spilling over into training lately.

This has been a really, really rough past few weeks and especially an awful few days. More so for my friends than for me, but that in and of itself is quite hard.

Yesterday I just needed to zone out and spin on my trainer, and the whir of the wheels helped me to not notice as much the taste of salty tears mixing with salty sweat. Today's 6 miles on the treadmill did the same. Some days you just need these workouts--not for any time or distance goal, but for keeping your head together goal. It wasn't the first time nor I'm sure the last that I've felt tears well up on a run or ride, and dealt with my own fears and demons by putting one foot in front of the other.

Over the past few weeks, and especially the past few days, my prayer list has gotten longer and longer, and I am finding myself wondering if God is getting sick of me always asking him to help my friends.

In between text messages, phone calls, a wake, and a funeral, I have been forced to think about a few things.

What if it was my dad, who was shoveling snow a few days before Christmas and found himself having a hard time talking to his wife, only to have emergency surgery on Christmas Eve morning, and then to find out a few days later it was stage four brain cancer?

What if it was my ten month old in Intensive Care and on morphine for almost two weeks?

What if it was me who had to jump the red eye to Denver because my brother had tried to commit suicide?

What if it was my dad who fought a courageous battle with stomach cancer and lost the fight this Saturday?

In all four cases, it wasn't. It isn't. And all I can do is thank God and pray and pray and pray as much as I can for those who it is. But I was forced to think about what it would be like if it was...if I lost my husband, my father, my brother, or my son. I see the strength that my friends have right now and as I ran today I really thought to myself, "I don't think I'm that strong."

I hope I don't have to find out.

Why do I do these things--run, swim, bike, push myself like I do? Because my legs can move, my brain is fine, my heart beats. Because I have those privledges. I have a wonderful family and friends that I can't imagine life without, but every once in a while, I have to, and it sucks the wind right out of my lungs.

So I do the only thing I can do. Be there for them as much as I can. Pray for them.

And to keep me strong for them, I have to run. So I will.


Wes said...

Bummer. Sorry to hear, T, that everything seems to be happening at one time.

I don't think I'm that strong.

You are. We all are. We don't have any other choice.

Thoughts and prayers your direction...

greyhound said...

This is the flip side of "bearing one anothers' burdens" that used to make me disconnect from people. Sometimes we do the carrying and hurting for someone else.

As for the strength, I wonder about myself too. But, I try to remind myself of what Corrie Ten Boom's father told her:

In the same way that he would give her a train ticket right when they would get on a train, God gives strength and grace right when we need it--and usually not before.

But it's not easy, is it? Not for me anyway.

jbmmommy said...

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your friends.

I always try to remember they say that God never gives you more than you can handle. He has a lot of faith in people, even when we don't have as much in ourselves.

I hope you'll share here, we're here for more than training if you want to share. Your life is who you are as much as your training and races.

triguyjt said...

god brought to this very tough time and he will bring you through it..but not before he, in his incredible way, enlists friends and those who care for you to lift you up in prayer. that will indeed give you strength to handle the tough news for friends and their families.
the training is already part of gods plan to have you strong enough to get through all this..

Curly Su said...

yeah, the thoughts of what could happen are always really scary--

i guess the best you can do is exactly what you're doing--

just keep going.

Eric said...

You believe and pray to god

You support your friends and family

You worry about those close to you

You run and bike and swim

Because you can

Never loose your faith or's what defines you as the special person you are.

Kate said...

Oh no- it's so awful when these tragedies hit close to home, and they really make us think again about how lucky we are.

You really are "that strong", but hopefully you never need to be.

Take care, keep on being there for your friends and taking care of all your boys (and girls..).

Jennifer P said...

Your family and friends are blessed to have you in their lives.

Josh said...

Keep the faith.

Run for Chocolate said...

Training usually brings me solace as well. You are a good friend.

Christine said...

It sounds like you are a great friend to those in need right now. WOrking out should help keep your mind clear. Stay strong!

Pharmie said...

I'll keep you and your friends in my prayers dear!

Try@thlete said...

It sounds morbid but I sometimes imagine life without a loved one. It helps me never to take life and people for granted.

My thoughts are with you and your friends.