From March 19, 2007.....

Okay, this one's HEELAREEEOUS.

Context: I was bummed out about not hearing a heartbeat and having to keep my big trap shut for for 3 more weeks. I was feeling sick pretty much 24/7 and not able to even work out much at all. I was down on myself and feeling fat and lazy. So what do I think is a good idea?

Try a structured Masters Swim Practice for the first time! Yeah! That's BRILLIANT!

Especially when I hadn't even GOTTEN WET in 2 months!

haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahhahahaha

When I came home SOBBING and BLUBBERING all over the place, Matt my very patient husband helped knock some sense into me and make me laugh. And Wil--I'm eternally grateful for you listening that night and talking me out of the tree. Thanks again, sis. :)

Enjoy my Class A, Level 5 Meltdown.
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First of all, everything's fine. Except my stupid head.

I just got off the phone with Wil, which is good. She got me to stop crying, because crying and blogging just don't work. You get snot all over the keyboard and make no sense anyway. I will try to make some sense, but I just need to get this down.

My body thinks this is hilarious.

My body is laughing and giving me the bird at the moment.

It is saying, "ARE YOU DENSE?! DO YOU NOT FRICKEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M DOING HERE? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?"

Why, oh why did I think it was a good idea to try a Masters Swim Workout tonight? For the first time? And it was the first time I was in the pool since January 16th, which, if anyone's counting, was TWO MONTHS AGO?

I'll tell you why. Because I've felt like hell. I haven't felt like myself. By myself, I mean the person who eats nothing but whole grains and loves salads, who enjoys her Saturday 2 hour run, who likes to bust out a few hard 100s at the end of her workout, and who can make it through a school day with energy to do a brick before she tries a new recipe for dinner.

So when J told me, "You should come to Masters! It's totally chill--you don't even really have to do the workouts" I thought, you know what? Maybe I will. Maybe I need a change. I can barely do anything but sleep. All day long, I feel like I'm going to throw up but I never do except for the occasional dry heave. My students wonder why I have to sit down with ginger ale to teach them, and it was all I could do to get through a 3 mile run yesterday that my neighbor was making fun of my pace when I was a mile from home as he drove by me in his car.

Because, dammit, I can swim. If there's one thing I can do, it's that. I can dive in and be fine. I'll be a little slow, but I'm sure I will be fine.

No. NO NONO NONONONONONOONONOONO BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IDEA.

'Cuz, see, when you're self-esteem's down--when you feel horrible and like everything you love to do, you CAN'T--it's probably not a good idea to go to an organized swim workout and try to keep up with your friends. Because, when you can't, you get mad. REALLY mad. At you. Because, dammit, what the hell is wrong with you WHY CAN'T YOU KEEP UP?!?!?!?!?!? You who did an Ironman in September, who has been swimming for YEARS, can barely do a 100 without gasping for air...some guy's nipping at your heels, the guy who greeted you when you came in and did nothing but "size you up" and ask you questions that rubbed you the wrong way--yeah, he's in your head now, and, DAMN I'm falling behind again and

enough.

I decided I wasn't going to do this to myself anymore. I could feel tears welling up. I told my buddy I had to go, that this was a bad idea. My bad idea (not hers). I should have known better.

I got out and the coach told me to just go to the slowest lane...but I can't. That would make me feel even worse, and I know that's dumb. I know that is REALLY stupid, because I'm pregnant and today was the first day I got through the school day without putting my head down at lunch or running to the bathroom for another false alarm.

But I've never, ever been in the slow lane. In my life. Even with the really fast people, I'm not in that slowest lane. I'm not saying this to be cocky...I'm saying it because it's the ONE thing I've always been good at--when I was picked last for every team in middle school gym class, I always thought in my head, "Too bad you're not on the swim team...I'd whoop ya then." It's the ONE playing field I can say that about. I get dropped regularly on the bike, and that's fine...on the run, I'm mid pack. But in the pool? That's my one little place where I feel good.

And THAT is apparantly gone, too.

Hence, my body laughing at me. "Yeah...you think you can REALLY do this still, huh? I'll show you...*flipping the bird at me*"

I grabbed my bag and vest and clothes. I didn't even towel off--just tried to put my clothes on in the hallway. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. When your self esteem is pretty low and your sense of self is a bit lost, you really don't need something that has always been your go-to confidence builder to bust. The tears welled up but I held them in until I got to the car. And then I cried the whole way home.

Right now, it doesn't seem real. Because I can't tell--because I didn't hear a heartbeat. All I feel is NOT like me. And the one thing I said I'd do when this time came is still be myself, and still be true to myself. I didn't want to give up everything like I've seen so many of my friends. I know things are going to change.

I guess I didn't realize they'd change so soon.

Wil knocked some sense into me...I need to remember I'M MAKING A LIFE in here. For CRYIN' OUT LOUD, I need to cut myself some slack. I need to QUIT ACTING LIKE IT'S BUSINESS AS USUAL.

It's NOT. My body's got a funny way of knocking me on my ass and reminding me of this.

I see how good this finish line is from my friends, but right now it's so far away, and all I feel is lost and left behind. I see all my friends getting ready for the race season, and I can't even do my half marathon anymore. I can't even really make it through the work day, let alone think about a run. And right now, this is hard for me to swallow and oh crap here go the tears again. Stupid, stupid stupid me...

So, essentially, I need to get over myself ALREADY. Seriously. NOW. Accept that what's happening is a miracle and embrace these changes--NOT see them as me giving up, or getting BAD and slow and rotten. I need to run for ME, swim for ME, ditch the watch, and know that this will all be back when I'm done. That I'm TWENTY NINE YEARS OLD, and I have a LONG life ahead of me to do many, many things.

I think I'm going to lay off the triathlon blogs for a while. I think I need to try and be a better friend to me and this little baby, and not feel bad about things but see them for the miracle they are.

And I will not be going back to Masters...probably ever. Don't think it's my thing. Shoulda known by the first guy to greet me...TOTALLY rubbed me the wrong way. I don't like being "sized up" at all. If you're not a welcoming sort of place, then it's not the right place for me.

I do this for ME and me only--it's my release, it's my time. It's just going to be slow for a while.