Seventeen days ago my world changed forever.
It has been, as I thought, harder than anything I've ever done. Anything.
From the labor...the most physically demanding and painful and joyous experience I've ever felt...to the tears from lack of sleep, to the amazement and wonder as I stare at this little being that my body created.
For several years my life involved the buildup to this thing called Ironman. It was scary. It was going to hurt. It made me doubt my very abilities from time to time. It wasn't something I could necessarily plan, but something I had to prepare for and cross my fingers and hope for the best.
In the end, it was worth every second...despite the setbacks, the sacrifices, and the occasional disappointments. Somehow I made it to the finish line, and felt so alive in the realization of what my body had just done.
I was amazed.
So far this journey is even more amazing.
I just look at him sometimes...just stare...and think, "How did my body do this?"
How did I help create something so wonderfully complex and challenging and perfect?
I look at him and see so much of Matt and myself, but also his own little drive and personality. Already. It's crazy. I wonder what he'll be and do and enjoy...and if I'll be good enough for him.
I'm utterly, completely amazed.
Still, my body is providing everything he needs. I don't have to think about this; it just does it. Just as my body helped him grow before he arrived, it continues to do so now. There is nothing I can say or do to change this. It's just what I'm supposed to do, and what I'm doing.
The nights are getting easier. I'm starting to adjust to this new life, despite the "two week shell-shock" that my friend described to me before. I'm crying a little less and trusting myself a little more. I'm learning to get by on an hour of sleep here and there...to avoid getting peed on (the joys of a little boy) and to laugh sometimes instead of cry.
He knows me. I say words and he knows me...he recognizes me. That has been the most amazing part so far. It's a feeling I can't describe in words.
I think about how far we've come in seventeen days, and how much I've already changed. I can't stop thinking about where we'll go from here.
I hope I can be everything he needs.
I hope I make him proud.