Friday, October 19, 2007

Seventeen Days

Seventeen days ago my world changed forever.

It has been, as I thought, harder than anything I've ever done. Anything.

From the labor...the most physically demanding and painful and joyous experience I've ever felt...to the tears from lack of sleep, to the amazement and wonder as I stare at this little being that my body created.

For several years my life involved the buildup to this thing called Ironman. It was scary. It was going to hurt. It made me doubt my very abilities from time to time. It wasn't something I could necessarily plan, but something I had to prepare for and cross my fingers and hope for the best.

In the end, it was worth every second...despite the setbacks, the sacrifices, and the occasional disappointments. Somehow I made it to the finish line, and felt so alive in the realization of what my body had just done.

I was amazed.

So far this journey is even more amazing.

I just look at him sometimes...just stare...and think, "How did my body do this?"

How did I help create something so wonderfully complex and challenging and perfect?

I look at him and see so much of Matt and myself, but also his own little drive and personality. Already. It's crazy. I wonder what he'll be and do and enjoy...and if I'll be good enough for him.

I'm utterly, completely amazed.

Still, my body is providing everything he needs. I don't have to think about this; it just does it. Just as my body helped him grow before he arrived, it continues to do so now. There is nothing I can say or do to change this. It's just what I'm supposed to do, and what I'm doing.

The nights are getting easier. I'm starting to adjust to this new life, despite the "two week shell-shock" that my friend described to me before. I'm crying a little less and trusting myself a little more. I'm learning to get by on an hour of sleep here and there...to avoid getting peed on (the joys of a little boy) and to laugh sometimes instead of cry.

He knows me. I say words and he knows me...he recognizes me. That has been the most amazing part so far. It's a feeling I can't describe in words.

I think about how far we've come in seventeen days, and how much I've already changed. I can't stop thinking about where we'll go from here.

I hope I can be everything he needs.

I hope I make him proud.

16 comments:

Kevin said...

Sara,

Congrats!!! You have a wonderful attitude and I am sure you will make him proud.

JenC said...

You're awesome and he's lucky to have you (and not just as a food source). Can't wait to meet him!

jbmmommy said...

The most amazing and wonderful journey, enjoy.

Siren said...

No fair making the pregnant girl cry!

Laurie said...

You will. I have no doubt.

Mojo said...

That was a beautiful post. Sounds like you're a great mother. I'm sure one day, he'll think to himself, "I hope I've made my Mama proud."

I want to see more pictures of Z, please!

Run for Chocolate said...

I love how you are really enjoying this time with JayZ, you will not believe how fast it goes by and I am not just saying that. You are doing great!

Jennifer P said...

It's it fantastic?! I'm glad you're thriving in your new Iron mama role. Now just don't go cutting your hands up. It's not cool

RunBubbaRun said...

You will be a great parent, it will be worth more than any IM medal you ever get..

Glad you are getting a little more sleep...

Fe-lady said...

sweet words.
See I told you that you would fall in love....really hard.

21stCenturyMom said...

Perfect!

TriBoomer said...

Sarah,

Beautiful.

Stay tuned...

Lana said...

No doubt you will be his hero. No doubt about it.

Of course he knows and recognizes you - that kind of love is very evident - even when you are 17 days old.

Glad to hear you are getting adjusted. *Hugs*

Papa Louie said...

A "new born" is a beautiful thing. Makes you think and appreciate life.

greyhound said...

Just wait until he starts cooing at you

and smiling

and rolling over

and pulling up

and walking

and running

and swimming

and biking

and wearing baggy shorts and skateboarding and refusing to cut his hair and asking for a cell phone and a piercing.

OK, maybe not that last one.

Cara said...

JayZ (love the nickname!) IS amazing, and you are amazing as his IronMommmy! It really is a beautiful transformation, isn't it, how so much really does come naturally?