Monday, July 02, 2007

No Sugar Coating Zone

Alright, I'm keeping it real now.

I never heard it would be like this before, so maybe if I just keep it real someone out there like me might feel less alone on this stuff. If you'd like a happy entry come back later, I guess.

Except for one thing: had a WONDERFUL swim today outside in a beautiful blue sky. 2500 meters. Felt great. Felt almost normal.

Other than that, here goes.

I only cried once today, which is down from 3-4 times the past 3 days, so that's a start. And at least Matt was here instead of backpacking in Michigan out of all cell phone reach. I think that's why I cried so much this weekend. Lonely house. No way to talk to my best friend. Ugh.

I went to lunch with some of my close friends from work, and it was so good to see them....but so overwhelming. There were 5 cute little ones there and 3 of them are 6 weeks old or less. The others are 2 and 3. Just watching my friends and hearing them talk totally, completely overwhelmed me. Two had to go to the bathroom--one to try and stop her sweet little newborn from crying, the other escorted another friend's adorable daughter so she could hold her son. Then a little cutie started crying and I was the nearest one...so I tried to help and realized I really didn't know how. I couldn't even get her out of the CAR SEAT. I had to get instructions from my friend. All I could think of was, "What have I gotten myself into? I know NOTHING...." So that freaked me out. Big time.

This calorie stuff has me feeling like I'm in a prison for the next three months. I don't know if I can do it, because old habits die hard. Old habits being whenever I've counted calories before, I turn it into this sick almost-game where I try to keep it as low as I can. I can pull that crap off when it's just me...(not that it's GOOD. I'm just saying that unfortunately I can and did) but I can NOT be doing that now. It's not just me that might get hurt.

"The charts" that I have come to detest say that you are supposed to eat 300 extra calories a day, plus if you work out, an additional 200 or so on top of that. So, the past 4 days, my 1400 calories and 4 workouts really aren't cutting it. I know this. I sort of knew this would happen. I'd like to say I could track my food and count my calories without it happening, but that's not true. Maybe someday, but apparantly, still not now.

So I don't know if I should track my food anymore. I'm fearing that it will only make me feel worse (as it has), but more importantly than that, only make things worse for the baby. I might just have to tell my doctor to stuff it.

By the way, I'm in the process of trying to switch doctors. That's stressful, too, as I've only really gone to this one, but I know that things are only going to get more tense and emotional and scary from here on out, and I can't have what happened on Friday happen again. I just can't. Asking if I "drink a lot of pop" and then leaving the room when I'm in tears is just not cool. I think I need one that is a bit more sensitive, and I've gotten some great recommendations from friends. I just have to see if insurance will allow it this late in the game.

Thanks for the emails and comments with stories of others who don't fit the charts. It's nice to know I'm not alone. For the record, I'll just lay it out here: my doctor is freaked because I am up 27 pounds. According to ME, I am up 33, since I go from what I weighed before I got pregnant and not what I weighed my first visit at 10 weeks. Whatever. Compared to numbers I'm hearing from some of you out there who have been so gracious to share it, that's the only thing making me feel better. 27/33 isn't 400. I am 27 weeks along today. 13 weeks to go, so if I can keep it to 1/2 pound a week, I'll be at 40, which from what I'm researching for my frame is still considered pretty average. But, what if I can't? I worry about that, too.

I remember sobbing when I was 7 or 8 because one stupid kid would call me fat and I would just fixate on it and it was all I heard. My Mom tried over and over again to tell me I wasn't, that I was a strong little swimmer, that I was tall...when I was in high school, my friends said the same as I started the calorie counting ridiculousness. For some reason, I just can't shake what my doctor said, even though all the voices of reason out there are knocking me over the head with the obvious. And when I'm counting these damn calories I just can't stop being worried to put anything in my mouth that's not spinach, fat-free yogurt, carrot sticks, or a plain piece of chicken.

I can't do that for 3 more months. Not only will I drive myself insane, but it's not healthy. So I don't think I'm going to.

I think what I need to do is block OUT the one voice that doesn't make sense, and focus on all the other ones that do.

And focus on mine, too.

And stop crying, too. These hormones are freakin' out of control. Maybe this is a girl in here...I've sworn it was a boy all along until this past week. :)

21 comments:

21stCenturyMom said...

Oh honey.... that's not good. Your feelings, I mean.

Your weight gain is FINE! My word - you MUST gain at least 24 pounds. That is a minimum to account for baby, placenta, amniotic fluid and extra blood volume - minimum. That doesn't take into account extra water weight that you take on just because or due to heat. So you are doing just fine - better than fine. You are doing really well.

I have no idea why your doctor freaked you out like that and I am SO glad you are looking for another one. I hope that all works out insurance wise.

40 pounds is totally fine. Really. You are doing great, great, great!!

The other thing I read recently is that you are eating for 2 so eat twice as well, not twice as much but you are not even CLOSE to eating twice as much and you do eat well so please, please stop stressing.

I hope you feel better soon - very soon.

And very few of us know what to do with a baby until we have one and then we do. It just happens. It's magic parent love that gets us through.

21stCenturyMom said...

also - I'm sure you know this but all fruits and vegetables have to be washed really well.

I'm telling you - once you are a Mom you just .... you just... you just Mom people. Sorry!

TriSaraTops said...

LOL, no worries there...my Mom is the biggest anti-chemical/pesticide person on the face of the earth so I grew up scrubbing veggies until there was almost nothing left! ha ha :)

greyhound said...

**pat pat pat**

I think you're doing great. And you're going to be the coolest mom on the planet. No doubts.

Wil said...

OK, time for a little intervention - from one old school Italian girl to another before you make yourself completely neurotic and they put you on bedrest. Check your email sis...

Jennifer P said...

You're doing great and sometimes there's just no sugar coating pregnancy. Email me if you want some extra support. I do know how you feel.

Michele said...

I hope you can get a new doctor. I gained 50 pounds with each of my kids. I was working out and my doctor never said a word, except to keep up the wokouts.
Everyone is different, if I go by charts I need to lose about 25 pounds. That is never going to happen.

jbmmommy said...

I'm sorry you're feeling alone and frustrated. Your weight gain sounds completely normal, especially given your healthy lifestyle. Finding another doctor might do wonders, are there any midwife practices near you? They're often much more patient-oriented and they do have all the training necessary to delivery babies. That might help.

And don't worry about the baby thing. Really, once your baby arrives you will be amazed at how much you know that you didn't think you knew. You're going to be great. Try to relax if you can. Take care.

jessie deegan said...

hang in there. honestly, if you didn't think you were gaining too much, you'd be thinking you weren't gaining enough. pregnancy hormones are mean that way.

you're super healthy, stay that way.

Pedergraham said...

Sara:
You are so brave to share your feelings. I had my daughter in 2004 and I am convinced that most of pregnancy weight gain and the subsequent loss is determined a lot by our genes, not our willpower.

I hope that you do manage to switch doctors and can find one that makes you feel confident and good about yourself. Every pregnant woman deserves that!

-Danielle

Mallie said...

You're doing everything right, Sara. I think finding a new doctor is a fantastic idea, and worth the stress it takes to see it happen.

Keep your chin up!

Siren said...

I don't think anybody could ask you to do more than you already have been - most doctors would kill for patients as dedicated to healthy eating and exercise as you are.

I wanted to second what JBMommy suggested - see if you can find an OB practice that employs a midwife. Mine is both a Nurse Practitioner AND a Certified Nurse Midwife (as opposed to the more commonly seen straight midwifery certification) who works in an obstetrition's practice. That means I get personalized gynecological and obstetrics care from someone who takes extra time to get to know me, with the bonus of having an OB available at a moment's notice should something complex arise.

I've been seeing my NP/CNP for nearly 10 years and I love her more than any health professional I've ever met (it's killing me she's moving away before the baby will be born, but that's a whole other story). If you can find one in your area, I'd strongly suggest at least meeting with one to see what they're like. Most insurances will cover their services just the same, and they generally have privileges at local hospitals the same as an OB.

Sarah said...

My friend just had a baby and she gained 60 pounds. 60! Within two weeks of having the baby, she'd already lost 30 of that.

You and Baby are gonna be just fine.

Cara said...

I'm glad you are trying to switch doctors -- the current one sounds COMPLETELY insensitive and assinine!!! You seem to be doing everything right. I think your body is just putting on what it will, good intentions be damned! I would say to keep doing what you're doing, except for driving yourself nuts with calorie counting and stressing. Which obviously you are trying to, and it's easier said than done, so I'll get off my soapbox now. :)
I was at a get-together with TONS of babies a couple weeks ago and it blew my mind how the moms had not a moment's peace EVER. I'm scared! I'm definitely with you feeling overwhelmed! I'm told that's normal and we'll get the hang of it once we're forced to, though. Yikes!

P.S. The word verification is "zengrit". Peace, focus, determination. Perfect!

Run Momma Run said...

Everyone has a story about a friend, right? Here's mine. I have a friend who did not exercise at all/ate whatever she wanted and gained 50 pounds during her first pregnancy. During her second pregnancy, she exercised and watched her diet much more closely and...gained 50 pounds. Your weight gain sounds so completely normal at this point and not even close to being "too high." I thik your dr is smoking crack! :-) And frankly, I think sometimes you're just going to gain what you need to gain regardless of your diet/exercise. Some drs just totally do the CIA thing these days without really paying enough individual attention to their patients.

I totally recommend the idea of finding a midwife or an office that has a midwife. I think you will be really happy with a midwife!

Addisyn said...

I am loving reading your journal b/c I am also at 7mo prego. (I am a swimmer/wanna-be tri). I switched Doctors at 20 weeks and am really happy with my decision! I liked the old NP, but the doc was just so-so. My new doc seems to understand everyone's unique needs. (I asked a nurse at the women's center/labor unit who she thought the good doc's were and she told me a few names and a bit of their personality to help me out)

It seems that since every body is different, we can use the "rules" more as guidelines and follow our instincts--do what your body is telling you to do. As athletes, we never seem to fit into the stnd charts anyway, so do what feels right! Allow yourself to listen to those motherly instincts :-)

P.S. Are your flipturns still intact? just curious to compare... I can flip fine, but go easy on pushing off the walls.

KC said...

you've heard a lot of these stories now, but i just want to tell you one more: when i gained 50+ pounds with my cherub, I was stressed beyond belief. Every time I went to the doc, I would tearfully ask if I should worry, and every single time the answer was a resounding NO. I was exercising and eating well, just like you are. My doc said that she ran through all three of her pregnancies and still gained 50 pounds each time -- she claimed that "your body will do what it needs to do." 5 weeks after my son was born, I had 10-15 pounds left to lose; and I lost it all with no effort, within six months.

One of my good pals just had a baby 5 weeks ago. She only gained 26 pounds in pregnancy, but five weeks later she has 10-15 to lose. Same as I did.

so, i think all will be well.

Every pregnancy is a leap of faith on so many levels. You are really doing an awesome job.

Julia said...

Tri Sara - Just giving you another opinion -

I gained about 50 lbs of weight with both of my pregnancies. I ate normal and exercised but it just piled on. When my first gyno started yelling at me (yelling! Like I was some girl who had been in a pastry shop) I just walked out of the appointment and got a new doctor.

I did try and keep control by calorie counting also, but you're going way too low. Shoot for 1800 calories per day. Try and divide them into three meals and two snacks. If you're still gaining too much (you should still gain) just cut out another 100 calories and see what happens.

Both my newborns were 10 lbs - very big babies! Which in part explains the weight. I was down to my normal weight within five months. (Breastfeeding really helps to get your weight down later).

All that baby equipment stuff and how it works...you'll just learn as you go. No problem

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

oh sweetie. you don't know me, but I feel your angst!

I gained 80lb with my twins - OK there were 2, but 80lb is sorta off the charts. My best advice: listen to your body and eat!

Docs are a-holes, in my opinion. Some are very low in the people-skills department.

I lost the weight when I started training, but it wasn't until the girls were 2. Because, well, I was busy. you're in a way better place than me - you only have 1, and you are probably healthier than I was going into this ride!

I didn't know what to do with babies either, but I learned. You'll learn. The hormones will run the show for awhile, but you're gonna do great! Enjoy the experience!

Robin said...

I'm glad to hear you're on the lookout for a new doc, you don't deserve that kind of hassle! I'll second the recommendation for a midwife, both of mine were *great* and very supportive and wonderful during pregnancy and birth.

As for weight gain, I went through much of the same angst and fears (esp. as a former anorexic in my teenage years). I worked out through both pregnancies and gained almost 70 pounds with my first and 60 with my 2nd baby and the weight came off quickly with nursing (especially with my firstborn because he ate *all the time* and the weight just fell off! He weighed 25 pounds by 6 months old and I had lost most of my pregnancy weight by that time).

You're such a healthy and fit woman, and your body will do what it needs to to grow a good strong healthy baby. Try not to worry too much!

Triteacher said...

Oy. Baaaad day. I know you're better by now (I'm late, late, late) but better-late-than-never hugs to you. And yes, stop the food journaling. I finally admitted that I couldn't do it either without becoming obsessive. So I stopped. And I am not going back for ANYTHING. Get yourself free of that, girl!