Monday, May 21, 2007

Coming to Terms

Some people really love being pregnant, and I am just NOT one of those people.

I have a problem slowing down. Always have.

So now as I have 9 days of school left, I think it's hitting me. It's hitting me in much the same way that the last day of school hit me last year. "The next time I walk into this room, I'll almost be an Ironman...."

The next time I walk into this room, I will almost be a mother.

I'm terrified.

The kind of terrified you feel when you can't even walk near the baby section at Target, or the store "Babies R Us" makes you queasy. When people ask you if you've registered of thought of names, you just mumble, "Uh, no...I'm going to worry about that later," and look away.

Now that I'm far enough along, I'm starting to show. I kind of look like a skinny chick with a distended belly. I'm starting to get some stares when I go for my increasingly shorter and slower run in the neighborhood. I can't hide what's happening much longer from anyone. Including myself.

Today I had lunch with two friends from work who had babies recently--one, her first 2 weeks ago today, and the other, her second, 4 weeks ago tomorrow. She has a 2 1/2 year old. They're adorable...and so little. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll break them. And I just listened to what they've been going through and what their days and nights are like, and it absolutely petrifies me.

Supposedly you're never really ready for this. I'll be 30 years old. It's not like I'm 17. So why do I get tears in my eyes when I think about it?

You can never really, 100% prepare for Ironman. A friend who has done several told me that, and now that I've finished one, I think it's quite true. You do what you can...whatever is humanly possible to prepare your body and your mind for whatever is thrown at you that day. And you might even do everything right--you might train your heart out and do every workout you can and prepare the best you can and it still might not work.

You just have to go with what the day gives you.

But this isn't a day.

This is forever.

I wasn't nervous at all to get married. Forever was exciting in that case. I couldn't wait for forever to start.

Why am I so scared for this forever to begin?

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. And I am halfway there.

24 comments:

TriShannon said...

Hmmn... no good advice to give, but I just know you will be a great mom. You will figure it out and adapt and grow and learn. I so wish I could be there to see you going through this journey. I am definitely going to have to plan a visit for the fall!!!

Wes said...

You are going to be a great mom, and one thing you are going to learn is that a child is the most fragile indestructible thing on this earth :-)

Laurie said...

Your honesty and candidness is so refreshing. I am sure many new moms have similar thoughts but are afraid to say them.

You will be a great mom in your own unique way.

21stCenturyMom said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - being a Mom is great. You are correct that there is no way to really, really prepare for it but it turns out that's okay. I will never forget how I felt when I brought my baby home from the hospital the day she was born and sat there thinking, "what do I know about caring for a tiny little newborn?" and yet it worked out fine. Being a Mom is WAY more instinctual than covering 140.6 miles in one shot and you nailed that so have confidence! You'll be GREAT!

stronger said...

I didn't like the pregnancy part either. You won't be ready until the baby is snuggled in your arms and all of a sudden all the instincts kick in and you'll pretty much forget what life was like before you became a mother. It's like magic.

Wil said...

You're a great friend.

You're a great athlete.

You're a great teacher.

You're a great wife.

Seeing a pattern here?

The fact that you're worried about it means you care, and that's all you need to do to be a great mother. CHILL. You got this ;)

Heather said...

You'll be a great mom - I think your worries just show that the same dedication you've put into everything, is in you for motherhood. I doubt there's anything to say to completely comfort you; it is a scary change in your life... I don't know you or anything beyond this, but from everything I know you seem like you'll be an amazing mom.

JenC said...

I'm of the same mindset. I don't feel ready to be a mother and I'm already 35 years old. Obviously, I'm old enough. Everyone says it is the most wonderful thing and somehow you just make it work. You are a strong, happy, smart gal and your baby will be lucky to have you and vice versa.

Mallie said...

Everyone else has posted such fantastic things, that anything I say will be plagiarism! So, yeah...what they said!

Sara...you've inspired and you've received inspiration as an athlete. You'll do the same thing as a mommy.

Spandex King said...

Wait until there teenagers. Then the journey begins. Good luck. You'll do great!!

Bolder said...

this is a good forever...

E-Speed said...

I would be terrified too. I think its okay. I know you are going to be a wonderful mommy.

jbmmommy said...

It's awesome, you'll be great.

Siren said...

I'm so glad you're leading the way on this crazy ride we're on.

DaisyDuc said...

You already have all the skills it takes to be an amazing mom!

A good listener, a good teacher, etc.... need I go on??

I hear no one feels ready, yet I am sure you will be better prepared than most as you are in all things you approach!

Jennifer P said...

This sounds stupid, but I know exactly what you're feeling. 98% of the time, I hated being pregnant and like you, routinely bawled and had breakdowns while at Toys R Us. And yes, you are never ready. You can plan and train for Ironman, but how can you plan and train to be a mom? 21st century mom has it right -- it's instinctual and you will be fantastic. Promise.

Lisa - Slow & Steady said...

I think everything you are feeling is normal for a first pregnancy. All during my pregancy, I was concerned about the pain of labor. I almost threw up out of fear/anxiety the first time I felt the baby moving and realized there was an actual baby inside that I was going to bring home and be a parent to for the rest of my life.

And you know what? Being a Mom is my FAVORITE role in life.

You are going to do GREAT!

RunBubbaRun said...

You'll be a great mom. It will have its up and down, crazy and sane times.. But you know, it will be the better than any race you will ever do..

And sharing your luv for the TRI sport will be much sweeter crossing the finish line with a little one waiting for you..

Lana said...

Sara - it's all good, girl...quit doubting yourself! Your thoughts are normal, but you are as prepared as they get. Everything else in your life is going to pale in comparison to this forever event. There's nothing else like it, not even close. Embrace it. The pregnancy and all the irritating things that come with it will pass, and you are going to become the most wonderful mother without even missing a beat...without even trying...without even realizing it. It will be instinctive, because of the person you already are. You prepared yourself for this a long time ago, you just didn't know you were doing it. Take a deep breath and relax. And take it easy this summer. You're going to be great. And what a lucky little baby....

Robin said...

I remember feeling much the same way, worried about how I would know what to do once my baby got here. Good thing we're programmed with instincts and all. I know once you see your little baby (my bet is on girl, just for the record) you'll be amazed at how you've got this mom already inside of you who knows what to do. You'll be great!

Karen said...

Hi... You've had some fabbo comments and some great advise already - what do I know I don't have children. But I do know every time in life we experience something new it is just that - an experience. You are experiencing one of the ultimates - bringing a child into this world is something really, really special. Like most things we experience we learn as we do - you will be a great mother, parent, guide and friend to that little one inside I'm confident of that.

sarah-ly said...

i like the 'coming to term' pun :) i don't know anything about pregnancy, but when i would tremble on the high ropes course at adventure camp, the counselors would remind us that it's okay to be scared. i never realized my mother wasn't a professional mother until i was a teenager and she was upset at me and said, 'i've never done this before!' and i thought, huh? i guess she *is* human. anyway, just wanted to say congrats on being 1/2 way!

tri-mama said...

Every mom who reads this is nodding her head right now. Well, I am, vigourously. It's ok though. You'll be ok. Pregnanacy is so weird because it is like an alien comes and abducts your body. The baby is pretty much in charge of everything. How you feel, how you sleep, how you are able to think. How you exercise. What you eat. How you relate to your hubby. Your life has been taken over. Then you see what that little baby really looks like and it's this helpless, fragile little soul and in that you have the ultimate paradox. This thing takes over your life and then puts it's entire well being in your hands. Then you give birth and nature kicks in and all of a sudden you have everything you need right there. Sure, you'll have questions, but you have a lot of people to help you with answers. And you will have sleepless nights. And that little one will continue to control a lot of your decisions. But it will be ok. Gradually you will get more of your life back. and you most likely won't regret the intrusion-in fact you won't be able to imagine life without it. It is the most difficult and most wonderful experience in life. Just keep ticking those days off the calender-give yourself a break from worrying about it-you'll be fine. Wait a few weeks until the stress of the end of the year has begun to fade, then begin to think about it again. I know that sounds odd-the evidence is before you all the time- but, as you can, focus on school. The other things will take care of themselves and you will be great at it.- oh, and I despised being pregnant a lot of the time.

Michele said...

Everyone else has covered it and said it better then I could.

BTW, I HATED being pregnant too.