Tuesday, April 25, 2006

seriously...?

*11:09pm*

Damn. I knew I should have went to bed earlier. Of course, in Arizona, it's 8:09, and I'm right on time.

Jet-lag really stinks. That student today told me as I was almost falling asleep standing up that it takes 1 day for every hour behind to recover.

3 days?

I can't afford three days.

I have to get up and swim tomorrow.

I am supposed to do 15 hours this week.

15 hours?

You've never done 15 hours before.

OMG.

Did I call the sub line for my field trip?

I need to call that one random alterations lady and have her do the 2 bridesmaid dresses I need to get done...oh man, that one wedding's in 2 weeks...

Your interims are due this week.

Yeah, I know.


I have to have that parent meeting tomorrow I've been dreading. They are mildly psycho.

*11:37*

Oh no. Now it's really late.

If you fall asleep in a minute, you can still get 5 hours or so.

That's no good. Then I'll start the week tired-er than I already am. Then the 15 hour week will just get worse.

Did you just say 15 hours? That's a lot.

Wait, May is Monday. That means I have 4 months.

Did you remember to turn the heater on? It's getting cold in here.

Oh crap, it's Sam's birthday this Friday and I have to get her gift in the mail...

Faculty meeting Thursday. Poop.

Why did I get a $30 bill from my doctor? I'm not paying that, that's ridiculous...I'd better call tomorrow...

15 hours.

Wait--May. That means there's 4 months.

4 months.

4 months?!

16 weekends?

OMG. 16 weekends. Is that enough? These last 5 weeks of school are going to be rough. How am I going to get everything in with training?

You forgot to mop the floors today.

Do I have any clean sportsbras?

*12:48am*

Oh no. Oh no. *tears welling up*

I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep.

15 hours.

Wait--reality check time... am I sponsored? No. Is this my career? No.

*click* (turns alarm clock to 6:30 instead)

I need to sleep. I'll do my evening workout and life will go on. This used to happen to me all the time. I get myself so worked up about things that I can't sleep and keep myself up all night.

So what's this really about?

Probably some jet-lag still. Probably the wish that I just had ONE more day off to get everything done...so that I didn't feel so buried under life, and could tackle my training with confidence.

Probably the fact that, as I just said in my last post, this is going to hurt. This thing doesn't care how nice I am, or how hard I "tried."

You can do this, though. You need to chill out. Focus.

I know, I know. But my mind is racing right now, and--

Cut it out. Stop crying.

But did you READ IronBenny's report? This thing chews you up and spits you out. And then sometimes it crushes you and farts in your general direction.

Well what the hell did you THINK it was?

I don't know, OK??!! I guess for once in my life I really don't know. I just know that I wanted to click that mouse. I wanted to register. I wanted to do something bigger and scarier than I ever thought I can do. But I hate not being in control of my destiny...that's why I hate flying in airplanes...hate gambling...

But you ARE in control of your destiny here.

I...yeah...I guess I know that.

You need to let some things go. When the PDA reminds you to vacuum, tell it to go to hell every once in a while. The kids can wait more than a day to get their tests back. If they bitch about it, who cares? And you need to focus on your workouts. Everything should be carefully planned and done with a purpose. You've been doing this for 20 weeks now. You're over halfway there. Think about how far you've come.

Yeah, I guess....wow--really? Over halfway there?

Do the math, Descartes. And you need to let it go in one ear and out the other when people make snide comments--not your good friends, but acquaintences and people at work--about how they never see you, how you don't eat lunch there or go to this bar or that bar anymore...

But--*1:34am*

No buts. The ones who know you well know what you're doing. They understand.

They do? But, do they really?

No. They don't really. But they do. They know you need to do this and they understand that much.

OK. OK. OK........

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9 comments:

E-Speed said...

Hope you get back on schedule. Jet Lag is rough. You'll find time to squeeze in that swim, if not in the AM then on the weekend! Look at all that training you did last weekend! You rock!

qcmier said...

Yeah hope you can find some peace, sanity, and get some sleep. You can't beat yourself up over missing workouts if there are other more important things in your life. I have completed just three of my intended workouts in the last three weeks! You can only do so much. I tell myself that I still have 137 days left, which sounds at lot further away than 4 months. Hang in there!!!

Eric said...

Chill out girl. Deep breath and relax. You are fine and will recover from your trip. You not only have to deal with jet lag but all that hiking you did. You pratically trained through spring break. A little time off right now is not going to hurt. Let the body absorb the efforts and you will come back stronger.

You will be ready for IM MOO where you will pull out the Holy Hand Grenade and blow that course to bits.

If I don't see you at the pool Thursday morning I will understand, but don't you want to swim 4500 yards with me? ; )

Joseph Vinciquerra said...

Sometimes you just need to hit the pause button on life... I like to do it with a cup of coffee. Daily.

Don't make mountains out of mole-hills ;-) IM is cake compared to all the other challenges life can throw at us. Respect that, and then get back at it ;-)

Flatman said...

Ahh, the inner workings of a triathlete on the edge...

You will be fine. 4 months is a loonng time. Keep up the hard work and you will smoke that race!

DaisyDuc said...

Over half-way there and you have come so far! Get some R&R and things will start to look up soon! 137 days left of which the last 130 plus of them is without the stress of school!

"It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness." -Seneca

rob reddy said...

do less - train more,

no seriously a lot less, even the things you enjoy - talk it over with those very close to you, they deserve to at least hear what you are doing & going through, but they probably won't understand, they just can't - everyone else, well screw them (sorry blunt but true) they will never understand, don't want to and in the end won't be there to get you across the finish line.

remember IM is a choice - and a sacrafice - it only prepares you for the really tough things in life -

work hard to control the 'freaking out' because it will get worse over the next 16 weeks - sorry to tell you this - few will, it is not in any IM training books - but we ALL freak out before IM - that is why there is such a big drop out rate before the race begins - you need to let it side over you and away

focuc, focus, focus - you might not know it but you are mental training now also - as important as physical training

a few last things - obsessing will get you no place - stop it - repeat let it go, let it go, let it go.

complaining it tricky - do it in short spurts on occassion to another IMer - then STOP - it can become draining

you gotta sleep - 5 hrs won't cut it - double that

planning is great - but don't be a slave to the PDA - she will bitch slap you into a breakdown

chunk it out - stop thining about 16 weeks, 8 weeks, 4 weeks, 1 week or 5 days from now - focus on one day at a time with a bit of an eye to tomorrow - it is your coaches job to worry about the future, not yours

smile when you train - it helps a lot

get close with some IM people - NOW - talk to them a lot - it will help more than you know


you have taken on a new life style - that is what IM really is about - maybe you will like it and do IM again and again, maybe not and it will be one and done - decide that after the race - but you gotta live in the lifestyle NOW - you can't straddle the old life and new life any more from this point out - it WILL make you crazy if you try to - the journey is not the race so much as it is the year to get there - dive as deep into it as you can - we never know what lies ahead of us - you might not have the chance to do this again - you will never have a chance to do it for the first time again.

BUT you will live with your IM experience forever - make it all you want - this is what you control -

Pixie said...

I am not making light of your pain, but that was a funny post. I can SO relate to the conversations that you have with yourself.

I am not a veteraned triathlete (YET) but I know that if you just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time you'll be fine.

:)

Chris said...

Coming back from vacation is always rough. Give it a few days. I'm sure you'll be back to your normal cheery self in no time! :)