Friday, January 15, 2010

Confessions

So, I have a confession to make.

2010 has not been kind to me so far. And it has very little to do with me chopping off my own pinky finger. Although I must admit that added to the situation.

I just heard even more bad news this evening, which makes last night's bad news even more emotional. And the news from the week before is still fresh in my mind. It's one of those weeks where I am literally afraid to even answer the phone, or now check my email. And I definitely can't look at the news right now.

I'm not much into talking about stuff here like this. I have been doing a very good job putting on the happy face at work over the past 2 weeks, so the kids don't know what's going on. But it's harder to put the happy face on here, since...well...you don't see my face. It's just my words and thoughts here. And I have a rough time not showing you those.

Last week, we found out about our good friend's brother who was killed in a car accident. Hit by a driver who was texting while driving. He lost control on an icy patch and slammed into the median. 25 years old. He was just starting to turn his life around, and his girlfriend is due with their child next week.

Last night, I found out we have another battle with cancer to wage in our family...one that we all thought was over. That we had won. Now the hard battle will be picked up again, but it's going to be very, very hard.

And just now I found out that a running and triathlon friend's wife passed away yesterday from a heart attack.

This, all on top of Matt's mom bravely fighting her cancer and in her third round of chemo.

Right now, I'm having a hard time accepting why bad things happen to good people. I don't understand it, but I do understand that I'm not supposed to. I need to make peace with that. Just when I feel like no one's there and I just want to go from my bedroom, to my classroom, and back home again, not talking to anyone that I am not required to talk to, several of my friends (who don't even know what's going on) have been calling and emailing me "just to check on me." I'm taking that as a reminder that someone does care up there. And I need to trust that everything will work out somehow.

The trouble is, since I'm 9 months pregnant I'm not sleeping well. I'm up often. And last night when I got up, I just thought about the horrible news we got yesterday, and I just kept crying. So, I'm really, really tired. All the time.

(Now would be a good time to remind me NOT to use my mandolin slicer, lest in my tired state I sever another digit. ;)

I'm not sure how much I'll want to talk here the next few weeks. Maybe I'll decide that writing here is a good thing. But I might disappear for a bit. I just don't know. I thought I'd explain what was going on, just in case I temporarily vanish.

The good news is that everything is fine with the baby, so I didn't want anyone to worry about that. But it's pretty much everything else around me that seems to be crashing in.

It's right about now that I wish I could go for a good, hard tempo run. With some Pantera. Or a 3 hour ride by myself. But I can't do any of those things.

So I'm focusing on yoga a lot, and hopefully will be swimming with my preggy pal JenC tomorrow morning. That should help. I can't go hard, but at least she can make me smile.

Somehow, someway, everything will work out.

12 comments:

JenC said...

You know I'll be there for that swim. Am good for a smile, but also good for sharing the crying. Hang in there my friend. Love you!

Aimee (I Tri To Be Me) said...

I am so sorry....I know you don't know me but you are in my thoughts. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people either...it never makes sense. Cancer is horrible...my mother-n-law is battling it now and it is just very sad.
I know how difficult the last month of pregnancy can be, and it's tough when you're tired all the time. But, try to get as much sleep as possible because very soon you will have a beautiful baby to hold and love.

KC said...

I'm so sorry to hear of all of this. I hope you can find a little light in every day.

Those hs kids are probably good for a laugh or two until your baby is born.

Thinking of you.

jbmmommy said...

Thoughts and prayers go out to you, your family and friends. A pretty rough patch right now, get through it in the best way you can. It's wonderful you have so many friends and family to turn to. Take care.

Mary IronMatron said...

I'm sorry, Sarah. That is a lot -- especially all at once. Heart goes out to you.

mouse said...

I remember about 4 years ago in the days before my mom died, I was making the long drive from the hospital back to my apartment. I remember being scared, and sad, and angry, and realizing that there was nothing I could do about the situation, and no way I could understand what was going on, and I had to find some peace with that or I wasn't going to be able to function. I had a nice long conversation with God on that drive home... You know that saying, "cast your burdens upon the Lord"? It's hard to do, but try it.

I'm thinking of you, and sending big hugs your way.

Jennifer P said...

Though this may not help, look forward to next month and how wonderful it will be for your family. And even if it's not a 3 hour ride right now, that swim will help. Maybe hook your bike up to the trainer for an hour or so? That's my plan for tomorrow!

The Salty One said...

Ugh! Life has so many ups and downs, but when the downs come they seem to pile on each other and make it seem like more of an avalanche! Add in that bluesy time of year, hormones going bat sh*t crazy, an impending gigantic life change, and just other less exciting stuff and yeah, I can see where it would all get to you. But you're so not alone. You have so many great friends on your side who will offer up a shoulder any time. Hang in there! This too shall pass and the good news should start piping in again soon.

Andy said...

I am sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life right now. Just know that we will always be here to listen to you, whenever you do feel the need to let us know what is going on (good or bad). One of my good friends almost died in a motorcycle accident in Oregon when he decided to fly up there and pick up his bike and drive back across the US. He was in a coma for two weeks and is now finally back in Atlanta.

I definately feel you about how bad things happen to good people. I myself, like you, try to understand it, just to know there is nothing to understand. It happens. All we can do is be there for each other when it does happen :) We are all here for you!

Wes said...

Always remember that good things happen to good people too, chica. It's the way life happens.

Ange said...

I am so sorry to hear of all the heartache. Focus on the new little life inside you who will bring MUCH joy and happiness to your world soon. A friend of mine's Dad died shortly before her best friend had her baby..it helped her cope. Life moved on....perhaps you can find the same peace.

Ordinarylife said...

I am so sorry to hear all that is going on. I could not imagine having to deal with that on top of being pregnant.

I followed the link from a comment you made on Bree's blog about being due on the 17th. I am due on the 18th.

Good luck to you over the next 3 weeks.

Pamela