I was trying really hard to keep everything here training only, but life is spilling over into training lately.
This has been a really, really rough past few weeks and especially an awful few days. More so for my friends than for me, but that in and of itself is quite hard.
Yesterday I just needed to zone out and spin on my trainer, and the whir of the wheels helped me to not notice as much the taste of salty tears mixing with salty sweat. Today's 6 miles on the treadmill did the same. Some days you just need these workouts--not for any time or distance goal, but for keeping your head together goal. It wasn't the first time nor I'm sure the last that I've felt tears well up on a run or ride, and dealt with my own fears and demons by putting one foot in front of the other.
Over the past few weeks, and especially the past few days, my prayer list has gotten longer and longer, and I am finding myself wondering if God is getting sick of me always asking him to help my friends.
In between text messages, phone calls, a wake, and a funeral, I have been forced to think about a few things.
What if it was my dad, who was shoveling snow a few days before Christmas and found himself having a hard time talking to his wife, only to have emergency surgery on Christmas Eve morning, and then to find out a few days later it was stage four brain cancer?
What if it was my ten month old in Intensive Care and on morphine for almost two weeks?
What if it was me who had to jump the red eye to Denver because my brother had tried to commit suicide?
What if it was my dad who fought a courageous battle with stomach cancer and lost the fight this Saturday?
In all four cases, it wasn't. It isn't. And all I can do is thank God and pray and pray and pray as much as I can for those who it is. But I was forced to think about what it would be like if it was...if I lost my husband, my father, my brother, or my son. I see the strength that my friends have right now and as I ran today I really thought to myself, "I don't think I'm that strong."
I hope I don't have to find out.
Why do I do these things--run, swim, bike, push myself like I do? Because my legs can move, my brain is fine, my heart beats. Because I have those privledges. I have a wonderful family and friends that I can't imagine life without, but every once in a while, I have to, and it sucks the wind right out of my lungs.
So I do the only thing I can do. Be there for them as much as I can. Pray for them.
And to keep me strong for them, I have to run. So I will.