Before my tempo run

I had to buy new shoes yesterday. I was way overdue. I couldn't help feeling just a little sad about saying goodbye to my IronShoes. They are dirty, worn out, and I know they are not good to run in anymore.

But I maintain my position that they are a little bit magical. You only have your first Ironman once. And although they are worn out, my new Brooks Adrenaline look just as they did on the first day I opened their box.

New shoes remind me of an empty classroom in August. Endless possibilities. Not always easy, and not always fun, but when my time is done with them, I've grown a little bit more and left behind some amazing memories.

Some very, very good things happened this week. The next 10 months or so have me excited, nervous, worried, and unsettled. I really like to plan. I'm a planner--always have been. I love marking things on my calendar, making my little lists, diligently crossing off my tasks and accomplishments.

I can't do that this time.

I don't know what's going to happen. There are no guarantees. What we're doing is taking a gamble, and quite a big one at that. But it has to be done--there's just no other way around it. I need to do what I have said before that I always need to do...and that I have a hard time doing.

Trust myself and my abilities. The rest will fall into place.

I'd love to plan my race season for next year, but I really can't. I can, but in pencil. And I am more of a Sharpie kinda girl. There are so many variables...which is exciting in one sense, but for me, quite nerve-wracking in another.

So I am going to do what I can--throw everything I've got here into the next few weeks. Pour my heart and soul into it, since I don't know how long I'll be able to do that in the next few months. Try to ignore the little voice in my head that says "no," that is the only thing that holds me back. Trust the numbers. Trust my ability.

Give it everything I've got. Just a few more times. And then, let the dice fall where they may.

You never know where you're going to be in a week, a month, or a year. My coach told me to enjoy my Ironman because you never know if you'll be back. I hope and pray that I get the chance--and the honor--to do it again...to have the support, the time, and the health required to make it to that start line again.

Today, I'm going to do another run. The run will prove to me, yet again, that I can do this thing. The numbers will show me that. The only thing that holds me back is my head.

But I'm beginning to fully understand, two months later now, that my head is different--my outlook is different. My view of my capabilities is different. And this is good.

But I don't want to have to give this up.

I suppose I can't worry about that...about what might be in store, about the X and Y of the situation.

Trust me. Trust myself.

It's about 48 degrees outside and raining. And I'm going to do my 7 mile tempo run anyway. Because I've been here before.
Oh yes, I've definitely been here before.

And it's about time I got these new shoes dirty, anyway.