19 Months

Dear Jackson,

I'm listening to you drift off and babble now, while your Led Zeppelin lullabies are playing. Today we played outside and you said all kinds of words--like "bubbles" and "go!" and "bugsy" and of course, "Mama." I watched you go down the slide and run around with Mugsy's leash, and it was so much fun...just to watch you.

Sunday I'm running a race. I know it's too early to explain to you why Mommy likes to do this stuff, but mostly because it makes me healthy, Bug--and I want to be around you forever and ever and ever. I like to push myself as hard as I can, and I hope someday you'll see that and maybe think it's a good idea to push yourself, too. Not necessarily in running, but whatever path you choose.

So Sunday is the culmination of 19 months of joy with you in my life. Since you came in my life, I've learned a lot about myself, Little Man. I've learned that I can't handle everything and do it all. I've learned who my real friends are. I've learned that work is just work, and it will be there tomorrow. And I've learned that I can still be me with you--but an even better version of me with you putting your head on my shoulder.

You won't remember the training I did, but I can tell you I did it mostly in the morning or after you went to sleep, because I didn't want to miss one second with you, Bug. Not one second. So consequently, the training was done mostly alone, and not as many workouts as I would have done before I had you. But what I've come to realize is that despite this, I'm even stronger now than I was before. You make me faster, because I run to get home to you. I run faster during my tempo runs and pushes and repeats because I can't wait to hear your giggles. And if that means running by myself for a while, Bug, then that's a tradeoff I'm willing to take. No question.

So Sunday will be the last long race I do in a while. Because of this, I'm going to treat this like it's the last race I'll do in a year. Because, it just might be. I'm going to go as fast as I can and hold onto the pain as long as I can and hopefully hit my goal. And it will cap off the past 19 months which included two half ironman triathlons, an olympic distance triathlon, two half marathons and one full marathon. And you. Most importantly, you and your smiles and giggles.

You're the one who made me faster, because you are the one who rewired my head and my heart and made me believe in myself and the things I create.

I love you,
Mommy